I think that sums up how I’m feeling. I feel lost, like I don’t know where my place is any more? Not quite in with the infertile crowd, not really in with the new mom’s either, not quite fitting with the mom’s post infertility and the only place I do fit is with the mom’s post adoption but God knows there are so few of us. I’ve discussed this with a few of my fellow mom’s through the miracle of adoption and I know from these conversations I’m not alone in feeling this way. The thing is while I’m still infertile, I feel apprehensive about trying to be encouraging towards my fellow infertiles still walking the path, I’m afraid my support comes off as smug. Mostly because prior to Ava’s arrival in my life, that’s what I would have thought, had mom post infertility (mpi) tried to offer me support, I’d always have the thought of how easy it was for her to say that because she was holding what the rest of us were striving for. So I want to be encouraging but I’m fearful of coming off as smug. I don’t fit in with the mpi’s either. I can’t share stories about the horrors of morning sickness, of feeling my baby move inside my pregnant belly, the birth process, breast-feeding none of that. My feelings of being isolated are also party due to some of the thoughtless things that have been said to me in the past few months, words that while I’m sure weren’t meant to hurt me, have hurt deeply, words that have left me feeling like I’m not a real mother, or like some people don’t think I’m a real mother. Words liked how Ava isn’t a legacy for Walter and I. That one stung, it hurt so much to hear someone say that just because my daughter doesn’t carry my genes, she can’t be my legacy. Those statements, coupled with the somewhat luke warm response that my postings about my precious Ava receive have left me feeling sensitive, overly sensitive, hurt and feeling like I need to find away to protect myself and my child. And while I do understand the reasoning behind the luke warm response that my postings about Ava receive, I have to be honest and admit that it hurts me that photo’s and information about her are received in this manner. Which kind of starts the whole cycle all over again of feeling isolated and not belonging anywhere. The truth is, I think on some level, I have some form of survivor guilt made worse by the strict code of conduct we infertiles inflict on each other. With mother’s day just around the corner, it should be a time when I should be rejoicing in the great blessing we have received, instead, I find myself almost afraid to even mention it for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. The thing is, I’m battling to find the right balance between being true to myself and expressing my own feelings and being concerned for the feelings and hurt of the community I am so deeply immersed in. But as a very wise friend said to me yesterday… its time to live and let live, you cannot be everything to everyone. And somehow, someway, I need to try to put into practise and start really revelling in our good fortune.
May 6, 2010 in Mindful Meanderings
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