Everyone keeps asking what its like to be a new mom after infertility. This is a complex question and the answer is not a simple one. Being a new mom after infertility is a lot of things, both wonderful and difficult. But the overriding emotion I feel is one of loneliness and isolation.
I never in my wildest dreams, imagined it would be this way, but in our group of friends, W and I are the only ones to have a child. All of our friends are still trying to get to where we are. I so badly wish, for all of my IF sista’s, that things could be different, I so badly wish they too could also have success and not just because I’m a lovely person, but also for my own selfish reasons. I wish I had close friends to share this with, I miss the camaraderie I had when I was walking the same path as my friends. But the simple fact of the matter is that I am now on a different journey.
I feel isolated in the blogaspere as well. I think a lot of people forget that just because I have a child now, everything that made me infertile is still there. I am, indeed, still infertile. I am unable to have a child of my own through the traditional means and through the intervention of medical science. All the emotions that went with the struggle to conceive are still there. Granted, I don’t have the pain anymore, but I do remember the pain, I remember it well, I won’t easily forget where I came from and how I got to this wonderful place called motherhood.
And yet, there are blogs out there that have made me feel unwelcome, like I shouldn’t comment or offer support because I have a child now, so what would I know? Some have been down right snippy with me when I’ve tried to offer support. Do they not realize, I’m still the same person I was 6 weeks ago? I’m still capable of understanding their pain and empathizing with them? I feel very isolated, like I don’t belong anywhere at the moment. I mean, I don’t belong with the infertility and ttc bloggers anymore, I definitely don’t feel like I belong with the mommy bloggers because I can’t really relate to them either given the complexity of my journey to get to this point. I feel guilty joining the adoption bloggers given that our adoption was a breeze and a whole 3 week process, which is pretty unheard of and I’m afraid if I offered support to this group they’d look at me as if I was nuts, like what the hell do I know about long waiting periods etc?
So where do I fit in these days? I’m still infertile, yet to the outside world, I must look fertile because I have a child, but I’m not.
So a lot of my friends have asked me what this part of the journey has been like and my honest answer is? Lonely.