04h45 alarm goes off, I shower, while holding a debate in my head over the pro’s and con’s of tampons versus pads for a CD3 internal scan in the midst of a raging chemical pregnancy period. I dress in my scan pants and shoes – easy access pants, no buttons, no zips, just yank em straight off, and flip flops so there’s no chance of being caught with my naked arse in the air as I attempt to climb onto the impossibly high bed with the pillow strategically placed under my butt.

Ready set go.

Off to the clinic with the usual thoughts in my head, do I need the loo, is my bladder empty enough for the scan. Dr G comes into the scan room, we chat while he scans. Did I ever tell you how much I love this RE? He’s like a real living breathing person in comparison to my previous RE. I ask Dr G about the results of my pap – all normal. This is fantastic news as I haven’t had a pap smear in over 4 yars as I was too terrified to ask my previous RE for one. I ask Dr G about the study material I sent him re. the use of Viagra suppositories for the treatment of NKC (Natural Killer Cells). He laughs, tells me its a very outdated study. Then he tells me the best news of all. I won’t need IVIg for the treatment of the NKC. There’s a new treatment that they’re offering, one of the only clinics in SA to do so. Its a treatment of Intrelipids. Basically a Soy Protein Tablet that costs a tiny fraction of the price of IVIg. Its normally used for terminally ill patients and also for people in intensive care who’re unable to eat. It will drop my suspected overactive NKC count down to about zero for the duration of the IVF giving my embryo’s the best chance at survival. YAY!!!!!!!

Then I ask if W’s semen analysis results are in. He nods yes, tells me W is certifiable “dangerous”, his words not mine. He has a sperm count to rival a horny bull, 480 million per ml to be precise, 10x the average, with a morphology of 10% this will gives ups approximately 16 million healthy sperm per egg for fertilization in the IVF, these odds are apparently very good, way above average. Now I feel like shit! If W had picked anybody else as his wife, he wouldn’t have to go through all this kak. His SA results are just another reminder of how the blame/fault/reason for all our miscarriages, all the money spent on treatment, all the misery lies squarely at my feet.

I get in the car, swallow my first birth control pill as part of the down regulation phase of my IVF, althought a weight has been lifted, I still have a heavy burden of blame on my heart. I cry all the way to work.