Finding Balance

I got some really interesting food for thought from the comments on my post regarding Lurkers. Thanks to those of you who decided to de-lurk in order to respond, I really appreciate your comments. After thinking about all your comments, I thought it might be a good idea to respond to some of the comments openly on my blog, so here goes:

1. You don’t have to have a witty of funny come back to comment. I don’t consider myself especially funny or witty, in fact, I’m quite the opposite, I’m not much of a smart mouth at all. I’m one of those dorky people who only thinks of a funny comeback about two hours after the actual event. So please don’t feel pressured to be a smart mouth here, dull boring support is what I’m looking for. 🙂

2. Am I really that honest? That seems to be a fairly broad feeling from most of my readers. I asked W if he thinks I’m too open about my feelings/experiences and he says that yes, he thinks that sometimes I am too honest and not just on my blog but in real life as well. The problem is, I don’t know how to be any other way, its part of who I am, being truthful and authentic is very very important to me. So if I have something to share and there are gory details, you can bet I will share the uglies with you because if I don’t, I will feel that I haven’t communicated properly or that I haven’t received the full benefit of my blog posting, this is, afterall, my little bit of cheap therapy! 🙂

3. I’m not cool! Thanks Amy for thinking I am, its feels good for my ego, but trust me, I’m not cool, I’m so uncool in real life you’d probably laugh if you knew. FYI My nick name growing up was Spazzy Shazzy, how uncool is that? I’m the chubby girl with the low self esteem that wants everyone to like her, but is always worried that they won’t. If somebody is quiet around me, I automatically feel like it must be because they don’t like me. Lurkers on my blog make me feel the same way, they’re not commenting because they think I’m an idiot, because I don’t have anything funny/smart/witty/intelligent to say.

Lastly, I’d like to explain why my blog is not just about one specific aspect of my life, namely, my infertility. There’s one reason and one reason only, because if I were to spend every hour of every day dwelling on the shitty hand I’ve been dealt with my infertility and RPL, of the babies lost, of the hundreds of thousands of rands flushed down the toilet in the hope of having a real live baby, of the dreams shattered, of the fear and anxiety, of the stress and strain on my marriage, of the arguments and fights about infertility and treatment and life’s dreams, well to be totally honest, I’d probably curl up into a little ball and wish myself to die. There are moments, like last weekend when we took all those silly Christmas photo’s, where we were laughing and having fun, that I suddenly got this thought of how we can still be so happy and laughing in the midst of something as sad and lonely as infertility and RPL. The second that thought entered my mind, my mood changed, there was an under current of sadness and I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to be sad anymore, I’ve spent enough years hurting, sad and yearning. I need to surround myself with happiness, with balance and with dreams that can be fulfilled asidefrom my infertility. I think I’m going to change my tag line on my blog as well, because I no longer wish to be a tired infertile rambling about infertility.

I have lived the other side of the coin, where every waking moment was spent in misery, figuratively, with my fists clenching my hair, asking why why why? Why do I have to go through this, why do I have to hurt so much, why can’t my fertility treatment work, why do I have to go through this over and over again, why do I have to be offered a glimmer of hope only to have it so cruelly ripped away from me, why do I have to be a failure at motherhood like this, why are my babies lives doomed simply because God picked me as their mother?? And you know what? Living like that hurt me. It hurt my husband. It hurt my friendships and it made my life miserable.

At the end of last year, when I was having brain scans to try and determine where my severe bouts of vertigo where coming from, where we were so emotionally, physically and financially broke from literally 8 months of non stop treatment. My body was broken from months of abuse, my marriage was at breaking point. It was only then that I realized, that like everything else in life, I had a choice. I could choose to be miserable and bitter and sad all the time because of how shitty infertility & RPL is. Or I could choose to find joy in other area’s of my life, I could choose to look for balance and not have my life in its entirety revolve around infertility.

And I chose option number two and I want my choice to reflect in my blog as well. Yes there are days when I get very sad, there are days when I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face, the days when the pain and yearning in my heart is so overwhelming that it hurts to breathe. But in between that, there are days that are filled with love and laughter and I need those days to lift me up. That’s also why I post some of the silly stuff I do on my blog, as a reminder to us all that even in the darkest days of our lives, laughter is healing for our souls. I need it, you need it, God knows, we all need it. For me, there is nothing better than laughing, so hard, that the tears run down my cheeks and I cannot stop it or control it.

In closing, I just wanted to add, I’m a total “hits bitch” so seriously, if you’re not up for a comment, that’s totally cool with me, so don’t feel pressure to comment. I simply wanted to know if there was one reason in particular that so many people don’t comment.

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  • Reply Lea White

    Personally I think balance is so important (although easier said than done) and yes, we do need to find the happy as well. That’s why right in the beginning of Bianca’s diagnosis we decided that we were not going to be sad or depressed or upset about it. We were going to try and have as much fun as possible, to look back and remember laughing.

    Being happy takes a lot of effort and you have to actually work at it, whereas sadness will just happen if we let it. This is my opinion anyway.

    I like checking the hits too…

    Hugs, prayers and thoughts to you!!!!

    November 17, 2008 at 6:53 am
  • Reply Glenda

    Hello. The ex South African again. I get the bit about infertlity not screwing up your life. That being said, facing childlessness is a big deal. I never thought I’d be an ‘issues’ person but its starting to happen. I’m angry that everybody gets support for a variety of things, some a big deal, some not (at least in Australia they do) and I’m facing my worst fears and its like my disease doesn’t exists (it exists in the fight stage but after ,there’s just this blank silence). I sortof feel like I need to claim my right to be hurt, sorry for myself etc because its not coming any other way. If I were in a car crash and paralysed (and I don;t use the analogy lightly) there would be this overwhelming level of support from those close and society in general. With this, even though my future has been radically, negatively affected, there’s just nothing…get on with it seems to be the standard. BUT you are right. Ultimately one must choose to overcome, rise above, see the blessings etc…and that will come….but its also okay to mourn.
    (sorry..bit of a vent there…)

    Your blog helps.
    Thank you.

    November 17, 2008 at 8:10 am
  • Reply Amanda

    Balance keeps you sane, I really enjoy your blog, because you write about all aspects of life. I also don’t want to dwell for long periods of time on disease, it does get you down, thanks for a great post!!

    November 17, 2008 at 8:33 am
  • Reply dee

    I saw your tag line had changed – love the new one! I also love your blog because you dont pretend and thats what I really love about you! xxx

    November 17, 2008 at 9:37 am
  • Reply Michelle

    Love your blog today Shaz. And I love the way you write about the balance you try to keep in your life and marriage. So easily we can forget that balance and the scales tip one way or the other. I think you and W are definitely getting the balance right. Well done to you both.
    Ps. I think I also say too mcuh about what should be private life – but like you said its part of who I am.

    November 17, 2008 at 10:27 am
  • Reply Mel

    I came across your blog from Elizes blog, i love reading what you have to say, and i love the way you just say what you feel, im exactly the same, sometimes to my detrament.
    Anyway just wanted to introduce myself. My boyfriend and i have been ttc for 2 years with only 1 pregnancy and then sadly i miscarried, but i keep my hopes up by remembering that one day i will have a child, trying to stay positive and what keeps me going most is prayer.
    Thanks for a great blog, and keep up the good work

    November 17, 2008 at 11:00 am
  • Reply Murgdan

    Oh, Shaz, you do have plenty of balance…and you always seem to have more positive notes than sad ones here. So you’re right, you’re not really just a ‘tired’ infertile ‘rambling’ about infertility. And you are definitely NOT rambling (because rambling never really has a point, while you are full of good points). I’m glad I found you. 🙂

    November 17, 2008 at 12:20 pm
  • Reply Lesley

    This must be my favourite entry since I’ve been reading your blog. It speaks volumes about the person that you have become an how you got there.

    Love the Christmas look.

    November 17, 2008 at 12:59 pm
  • Reply WiseGuy

    Hey there! This is the first time I visited your blog and seriously, I am impressed. I am not saying I am impressed because you intended the blog to be that way. I am saying so because I liked going through your blog. And so, before I moved away I thought I should de-lurk! [;)]

    November 17, 2008 at 4:40 pm
  • Reply Sue Stuart

    Confessions of a lurker – I love your blog!

    As Glenda says, there’s not much support for childlessness, whatever form it manifests itself in. So you are a good therapist! And a good reminder that yes, life does go on, and it can be good and fun and exciting even in the midst of dealing with IF.

    Thanks Sharon!

    November 17, 2008 at 7:58 pm
  • Reply Mandy

    Sharon this is a fantastic entry! I really enjoyed reading it and think that the new tag line is fabulous!! With-out sounding all pathetically fuzzy wuzzy… I found that by focusing on only the good things and doing my utmost best to totally exclude all negative elements, thoughts and things has helped me tremendously in TTC. Its entries like these that have such a positive roll on effect for others. Thank you and take care from the de-lurked Troll (aka Mandy)

    November 17, 2008 at 8:26 pm
  • Reply courtney

    I admit I am a “lurker” but I consider myself more of a “reader”. I read your blog everyday- cause I look forward to seeing what others are doing cause my life seems so boring!

    I love your witt and honsety! I am glad to know I am not the only person who rides this infertility roller coaster. I feel like I could be locked in a loony bin cause I go up and down within minutes!!

    I think you are cool too! You look like you’d be one of the “popular” girls in high school!

    November 17, 2008 at 8:35 pm
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Dude, I really like the part about “talking about things besides infertility” on this blog. SO important. Really, it’s your blog that gave me the green light and courage to branch out of shitty stillbirth discussions and talk about other things. We are more than our losses, period. Regarding the hits bitch thing, I used to check hits a lot, then got depressed because I don’t get as many as the popular kids on the block like you, dearie, so feel good!

    November 18, 2008 at 5:41 am
  • Reply Stacey

    Great post! I have been struggling with this balance thing lately and really, really trying to stay positive while sharing all of the ups and downs that go along with this. Thanks for reminding me that I can find joy even in the hard times!

    And yes, you ARE totally cool! 🙂

    November 18, 2008 at 6:34 am
  • Reply Natalie

    I’m delurking…! I read your blog often. It’s like talking to a friend, except that I don’t have to talk back,very non-confrontational which is me. One of the reasons I don’t comment is that I often have strong opinions and I’m afraid of that sometimes. The best thing I think you have ever done is turn the corner into the positive headwind and give the impression that YOU are bigger than all the tragic and sad things that have happened to you. That I find inspiring, it leaves me feeling much lighter, more so than watching a person class and box themselves as an infertile and giving so much power to it. I love your tag line. Yes, to me this is a much more accurate and balanced way to be. Thank you for sharing your world and your feelings so honestly. Thank you!

    November 18, 2008 at 8:44 am
  • Reply Sandy

    I’m a reader but will comment when I feel I have something to say. I’m a bit beyond where you are and we’ve decided that children are not in our future. Your post that I read today (I generally check once a week or so) is so perfect. I remember when we decided to stop the ttc roller coaster. It was because of exactly what you were talking about. Three years of obsessiveness, three years of living without any other future other than one with children and continuous disappointment. Three years of losing friends because they couldn’t relate or thought that I was over-reacting. I had worked too hard prior to ttc to lose myself to the person I was becoming during ttc. I remember thinking “I choose happiness, and the ttc journey is not contributing to that”. What a relief to have made that decision.

    Not to say it was always easy and my surprise pregnancy and miscarriage almost six years after choosing not to ttc has sent me through a loop and has made me question my judgement a bit. But as I recover emotionally from the loss, I’m coming back to who I was. A somewhat nerdy but generally content woman in her 40s who unfortunately wasn’t given the blessing of children but will contribute in other ways.

    I love reading your blog – I wish blogs had been around when I was going through ttc because it’s certainly a powerful tool to get one’s opinion across. Please don’t change anything about your postings, I’ve been pointing others to your website when I hear about the unfeeling statements that are so easy to make. Your honesty, sincerity, and ability to take yourself seriously or not seriously make for wonderful reading. I’ll be a follower as long as you blog.

    November 23, 2008 at 11:05 pm
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