As mentioned in this post – Some Challenging Thoughts To Ponder Re. Adoption – I’ve been reading up a lot online on adoption experiences from all angles of the triad. A lot of what I have read is negative, very very negative, painful to read and hurtful and had left me feeling very guilty.
But with some more thought and open discussions with my cousin, who is adopted, a Twitter friend who is adopted and her BM (I have a very interesting blog posting on these 3 conversations coming soon, some interesting perspectives to share) a lot of what I was worried/hurt by has been resolved. And also a lot of the comments received on the aforementioned post really helped me to find my peaceful place again.
Then yesterday, I read Jill’s latest blog posting and all my thought’s suddenly seemed to fall into place. The posting could have been written by our own BM. Jill’s words resonated a familiarity with me because I had heard them all before from the mouth of our own BM during the time we spent together. I know that, just as with Jill, our BM never placed Ava because she felt she wasn’t enough, she placed Ava because she felt/believed that she couldn’t give her enough or the life she hoped and dreamed for Ava. I love this passage from Jill’s blog, it speaks volumes about a BM’s love for her unborn child:
I didn’t place her because I wasn’t enough. I placed her because I couldn’t give her enough. Do you see the difference? It’s not that she deserved better than me. It’s that she deserved better than I could give her. The former is about me. The latter is about her.
I’ve also started to realize that all blogs re. adoption, whether from AP’s, BM’s or Adoptee’s are just opinions. Each one of us will have a different opinion on the complex issue that is adoption and our opinions will be formed by our own experiences from the varying angles of the triad. I also realize that ones experience of adoption, regardless from which angle of the triad, will be skewed in a certain direction depending on where in the world the adoption had occurred. The adoption stories of South African’s is VERY different to American’s for eg, and the bulk of the adoption blogs I’ve read are American. Adoption is different in South Africa. Just a couple of the differences include open adoptions being the exception and not the rule, in SA most adoptions are what’s termed a “medium” closed adoption. This means that while there is no physical contact with our BM, we do have written contact including photo’s and updates on Ava, all of which is facilitated by our SW. The choice then rests with our BM on how much contact or how little contact she actually wants to have and she can then manage her own journey. The other difference is that BM’s in SA get 60 days to change their minds and revoke consent. I was shocked to read an adoption story from New Zealand where a BM was not given/allowed to revoke her consent. I feel this is wrong on so many levels.
I’ve thought a lot about this over the past week and will make a more concerted effort in future to try not to get sucked into the anti-adoption blog and sentiments. It would seem that for every BM/AP/Adoptee who is against adoption, there are as many, if not more, who are for adoption.
I’ve learned that I cannot just accept what one person has written on a blog as fact, that I need to remember these are opinions based on personal experience.
I discussed with my Mom how many anti-adoption lobbyists felt that I had no right to call Ava my miracle. My mother sobbed when I told her this. She told me how Ava IS very much our miracle. How she has bought a family (not just Walter and I, but our extended families as well) immeasurable amounts of joy, joy to a family who had been seriously lacking in joy and overflowing with sadness and loss, not just of my infertility but also other family members struggles, that this joyful child had restored our hope, our faith and our joy. And I rightly agree, adoption is not the miracle in this, Ava is the miracle and I will NEVER deny that fact ever again.
So yes, just like other blogs are based on opinion dependent on experience, so is my blog. My blog is based on my own opinions, formed through my own experience. And every aspect of our adoption journey has been one of immeasurable joy and love. The love of adoptive parents for their child, the love of a BM for her child and the love shared between our BM, Walter and I. There is no way to ever express in words what that feels like. We love her so very very much for placing Ava with us. We love her so very much for giving us the opportunity to love her/our child and to experience parenthood in all it’s joys, trials and tribulations and because of how strongly we feel about her, we will always act in Ava’s best interests and what is in her best interests is absolute honesty and openness surrounding her placement and the information (which I have stored in her memory box, including birth certificates for tracing her BM when she is ready). There will NEVER be ANY secrets in our home and Ava will always know the truth.
So, in ending, my opinion on adoption has not changed and is based souley on my experience and that is that Adoption IS love.