As most of you know, I’ve been going backwards and forwards over the past few weeks about whether or not I want to continue on this infertility journey, or if I want to just chuck it all in and give up. My mind is all over the place, I want to quit, I will have peace if I quit, I can be happy without a child, I’m fine the way I am…….. What if I regret quitting? What if its not really what I want? What if I realize too late that I never wanted to quit? How will I really feel when the reality of leaving this all behind hits.
I go for days on end where I can see pregnant women in the streets, or women pushing prams or holding babies and I don’t even feel a twinge of sadness or longing. And then other times it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m extremely confused about what I want to do right now and its driving me insane. I’m usually the most decisive person, I always know what I want, I always know how to go about getting what I want, and I always go for it, so what on earth is going on now?
While I live in this limbo of indecisiveness, I’ve decided that for the time being, I’m going to go right back to basics. So while I will still be trying, there will be no fertility treatment for me, not now anyway. I just can’t face it. The thought of having one more scan, of one more early morning scan session, of one more Cyclogest pessary, I just can’t do it, I just don’t have the energy or the determination for it right now. As my Dad would say, my get up and go got up and left.
So for now, I’ve gone back to temping, can you believe it? I haven’t temped in about 5 years. I’ve also started using my ovulation microscope again and I’ve registered myself on Fertility Friend and have started proper charting. In addition, to help with my hostile CM, I’ve also ordered myself some Preseed from my friend Elize so I’ve really gone back to basics, but I think I have all my basic bases covered for now.
I think part of the problem is that I’m more excited and invested in our immigration than I am in my own infertility right now. Its so weird for me to say that, I mean this time a year ago, W and I were fighting like cat and dog because month after month of failed IUI or IVF he’d ask every time, how much more? And my answer was always: “I’ll die trying,I’ll never give up” so this is truly a refreshing change for me. And for some reason, the people who I have told seem to think its something to be sad about, but for the first time in years, I feel at peace, I’m excited about what my future may hold, there is no underlying sadness of feeling of defeat what so ever. I mean W and I have been making so many plans for our future, we’ve even talked about all the places we’re going to travel to as soon as we’re earning a stronger currency. Our first destination is planned: Australia and more importantly the Great Barrier Reef, I mean doesn’t this look a hell of a let better than a speculum?