Going Back To Basics

As most of you know, I’ve been going backwards and forwards over the past few weeks about whether or not I want to continue on this infertility journey, or if I want to just chuck it all in and give up. My mind is all over the place, I want to quit, I will have peace if I quit, I can be happy without a child, I’m fine the way I am…….. What if I regret quitting? What if its not really what I want? What if I realize too late that I never wanted to quit? How will I really feel when the reality of leaving this all behind hits.

I go for days on end where I can see pregnant women in the streets, or women pushing prams or holding babies and I don’t even feel a twinge of sadness or longing. And then other times it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m extremely confused about what I want to do right now and its driving me insane. I’m usually the most decisive person, I always know what I want, I always know how to go about getting what I want, and I always go for it, so what on earth is going on now?

While I live in this limbo of indecisiveness, I’ve decided that for the time being, I’m going to go right back to basics. So while I will still be trying, there will be no fertility treatment for me, not now anyway. I just can’t face it. The thought of having one more scan, of one more early morning scan session, of one more Cyclogest pessary, I just can’t do it, I just don’t have the energy or the determination for it right now. As my Dad would say, my get up and go got up and left.

So for now, I’ve gone back to temping, can you believe it? I haven’t temped in about 5 years. I’ve also started using my ovulation microscope again and I’ve registered myself on Fertility Friend and have started proper charting. In addition, to help with my hostile CM, I’ve also ordered myself some Preseed from my friend Elize so I’ve really gone back to basics, but I think I have all my basic bases covered for now.

I think part of the problem is that I’m more excited and invested in our immigration than I am in my own infertility right now. Its so weird for me to say that, I mean this time a year ago, W and I were fighting like cat and dog because month after month of failed IUI or IVF he’d ask every time, how much more? And my answer was always: “I’ll die trying,I’ll never give up” so this is truly a refreshing change for me. And for some reason, the people who I have told seem to think its something to be sad about, but for the first time in years, I feel at peace, I’m excited about what my future may hold, there is no underlying sadness of feeling of defeat what so ever. I mean W and I have been making so many plans for our future, we’ve even talked about all the places we’re going to travel to as soon as we’re earning a stronger currency. Our first destination is planned: Australia and more importantly the Great Barrier Reef, I mean doesn’t this look a hell of a let better than a speculum?













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  • Reply Murgdan

    I don’t temp anymore…but you can stalk my cycle Ms. ‘Back to the Basics’ cycle buddy with preseed and all. Now give me your address and let me stalk you…’cause that’s what you do in the ‘basics’. Trust me, I know, I’m at the tail end of the beginning of the basics.

    Wow. And it looks like no matter what happens you have beautiful things in your future. Really beautiful things.

    July 28, 2008 at 2:15 pm
  • Reply Elize

    It looks much better than a speculum!!!! It certainly looks like you have a great plan going hon, I can just wish you all the best and hope that one day sooner rather than later you’ll have your baby. I know exactly what you mean about your mind going all over the place. I have that constantly, never knowing for sure what you must do. Well done for starting the whole charting thing, I’ve always been an advocate of charting. I love it. It’s the only way I know what goes on inside my body, it gives me such a sense of control and relief when I look back over the past month and nothing is out of order. You have a great adventure ahead of you. Enjoy every minute of it.

    July 28, 2008 at 2:25 pm
  • Reply Sassy

    It’s really hard to make the decision to stop. I’m glad we did, but that’s not to say I don’t think about maybe trying again one day. If you feel the need to keep trying then keep trying. And don’t be afraid to ‘try out’ not trying for a while. Once you decide to stop it doesn’t mean you can never try again. It’s a huge decision emotionally but it’s a decision that can be changed at a later date.

    I hope you have a great trip to Australia. I just finished posting about all the different states so if you click on Australia in my categories I’ve posted a heap of links to various websites. One I just mentioned in my Melbourne post is they have vouchers for heaps of things you can do in Australia if you’d like to spend some time day dreaming and planning your trip. A tourism website I left out of my posts is, it has heaps of good links.

    July 28, 2008 at 2:45 pm
  • Reply samcy

    Uh, let me see – speculum or Great Barrier Reef…. erm, speculum please? NOT!!!!

    Shaz, as long as you’re happy and at peace with your decision, I’ll back you 100%. And like Sassy said it is not like you can’t decide to get back onto the band wagon either… I’m still praying for your baby, I have a feeling you’re so close… just a few more hundred metres to go (everest analogy going there)…

    Wishing you all the best!!

    HUGS and LOVE!!!

    July 28, 2008 at 3:37 pm
  • Reply duck

    It’s hard to know when to stop trying, and 5 years is a long grueling time. I’ve heard of women totally stopping for a year or more and then going back with a vengence. And I have heard of women stopping and happily returning to a life that is child free.
    For me, children have to be part of my life, there is no doubt, there is no question, except obviously my body will not be used as the gestational place.
    There is something freeing in no longer trying with my body…

    July 28, 2008 at 3:39 pm
  • Reply j

    We are cycle buddies and temping buddies too!
    Um I can’t believe you’re going to live in New Zealand…are you interested in a house swap vacation? 🙂

    July 28, 2008 at 5:22 pm
  • Reply Sweetpea

    I’m so glad to hear that you have made a decision on what to do next and that you feel really good about it. Just go with what your heart and gut is telling you right now – if you feel you need a break, then that’s exactly what you need and should do. It’s healthy to get some distance from problems sometimes, and if/when you feel ready for another try, you’ll be stronger then. The world is such an amazing place and I envy your plans to visit such an exciting site as the Great Barrier Reef. Good for you. 🙂

    July 28, 2008 at 5:48 pm
  • Reply Maritza

    Well, now, don’t be rude to the speculum…we’ll see what the Great Barrier Reef looks like covered in a condom… *chuckles at own lame joke*

    Anyhow…it so good to see you gain new perspective. I’ve also realised that I’m a liiiitle tiny insy wincy bit too focussed on infertility…

    Here’s to new beginnings!

    July 28, 2008 at 6:46 pm
  • Reply monica lemoine

    OMG, those are awesome pictures. You know, Shaz, I totally get what you’re saying. It’s hard. You want what you want, and what you want is a child. And yet, it’s not as though you’ll literally die without one. I still want a child. It’s just that I know that there’s a chance, however unthinkable, that it might never happen. So I’m bracing myself to be okay with that. I think we 30/40 something women tend to get it in our heads that this is what we want, and boom – we want it right now before it’s too late. I think back to basic is always a good strategy. 😉 Hang in there, shaz!

    July 28, 2008 at 10:39 pm
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