Since my posting yesterday I’ve been feeling slightly down in the dumps. Although I’m confident and comfortable that we’ve made the right decision to move our IVF out to March next year, I’m really sad that 2008 is not the year that I get to see my dream of motherhood realized. I really thought it would be. The year started with so much promise, changing specialists and finally getting a diagnosis left me feeling sure that this year would be our year, sadly though, its not to be. And although I thought I was ok with it, I have been feeling a bit down the last few days, I’ve avoided reading the pregnancy section on the support forum, in fact, I’ve tried to avoid the support forum, finding all things fertility just a little bit too painful to deal with right now. Perhaps, also the two year anniversary of our last pregnancy loss last week is also playing a part in how I’ve been feeling.

This morning, I got a reminder of just how lucky I am, of just how blessed I am, and the realization was like having a bucket of icy water dumped over my head, it instantly lifted my spirits. You see, our local radio station run a feature every year at this time of year called the Christmas Wish-list. For those of you who don’t know, the Christmas Wish-list is a great initiative, whereby individuals can write in to the radio station about an individual who’s suffered a hardship in the past year, or who has a need that they’re unable to fulfill themselves. The team then attempt everythign in their power to get this need fufilled or the hardship eased somewhat. They call in on all their contacts, getting banks and all kinds of large corporates to asist and the responses are truly amazing. Just this year alone, they’ve eased the burdens for so many and every story is soo touching, I think all of us living here in JHB drive to work in tears. They’ve done things like give a woman and her children, left destitute after her husband shot himself a house, another woman, who’s husband passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, also leaving them in a terrible financial predicament, her daughter diagnosed with cancer at 15, she’s unable to see her daughter daily because she has no transport, was given a car. Another family who’d gotten into financial trouble and hadn’t been able to pay their electricity bill and had been living in their home with no electricity or hot water for almost a year had their electricity bill paid up in full, families going hungry are given gift vouchers for a year’s worth of grocery shopping. All the stories are touching, all of them make me cry.

This morning was no different, they phoned a young girl, 18 years old, her father had shot her mother dead in a domestic dispute earlier this year. She’s just finished writing her final exams and has been accepted to a design school, however, her parents estate has no money in it to pay to further her education. She’s been stressing and worrying and trying to come up with all different ways of coming up with the R250 000 she’ll need for the next 3 years of study. A bank stepped in and have given her the money for her tuition to complete her education. When I heard her sobbing in gratitude and relief on the radio this morning, it really touched me.

I have so much to be grateful for, I’m so blessed but sometimes, I allow self pity to cloud all thing things I should be grateful for. I have a loving husband, I have a gorgeous home which we can afford, I have a great job that I love and that pays really well, W has a great job that pays really well, we’re able to save and afford fertility treatment. We have amazing families who’ve stood by and supported us during all our trials. We’ve got family and friends who’ve offered to assist with our fertility by surrogating or donating eggs, we’ve got fantastic friends who’ve stood by us and encouraged us along the way. I’m truly blessed in more ways than I can even count.

I remember about a year ago I had lunch with a friend who I hadn’t seen in about 10 years. I was telling her about W and about the charmed life we had. I remember her saying that is sounded too perfect to be true. I remember responding that it wasn’t perfect that I was infertile. I look back now at all my blessings and I realize that my life is actually damn near to perfect, that I truly have lived a charmed life so far! I’m so thankful and grateful for this.