They say time heals all wounds. I say it doesn’t. Not for my recurrent pregnancy loss wound anyway. My heart hasn’t healed with a neat little scar covering the hole that ripped through my heart with the loss of my babies. And I don’t think it ever will.
My grief has changed over the years. It’s been 14 years since I lost my first baby and the pain and grief of that loss and the subsequent losses, is still very much there. It is just quieter and less anguished than it used to be.
I remember that first loss. If I’d lived in biblical times, I’d have donned hessian cloth and covered myself in ash, wailing and tearing at my hair. As it is, I did a lot of wailing and tearing at my hair and it lasted for 7 long years. The birth and placement of my children did change that. It made that pain a little easier to live with, but I still grieve and I still feel that pain. It’s no longer takes the form of a loud, demanding grief. It’s more of a quiet grief that settles like an unwanted, scratchy blanket that irritates my skin but provides a little warmth and comfort.
On Monday, it was the 14-year anniversary of my first loss and my grief took the form of silent tears that ran down my cheeks, dripped on my hands & stained my shirt as I moved throughout the course of my day. I think the thing that makes this grief so hard to deal with is that it’s goes unacknowledged by everyone else. It’s not like losing a partner, parent or friend. There wasn’t a tangible being there for anyone to grieve, except me, because I am the only one that ever felt the presence of the babies I’ve lost. No one else remembers, no one else understand my grief on that day, so when asked why I was sad, my explanation was met with an “oh” and then moving swiftly along…..
Today. 14 years ago, I lost my first baby. It would take 7 years & another 6 miscarriages before my dream of motherhood would be realized. Time heals all wounds, they say. I say it doesn’t. Today I am overcome by sadness & grief. My babies, no one remembers you, but I do! My babies, no one mourns you, but I do! This grief for your loss is a lonely burden to bare but know that I still love you. #infertility #miscarriage
I get it. I understand that this type of grief is misunderstood, that unless you’ve lost multiple babies, you can’t really understand or acknowledge what that grief feels liked. And that’s what makes it a double edged sword, because it makes my grief lonely and it feels like my loss, my babies are simply dismissed as having meant nothing, never existing and the thing is, in order for me to properly grieve and potentially find the “time heals all wounds” place, I need them to be acknowledged and I need my grief acknowledged and this makes people uncomfortable.
But I remember……
Those babies meant too much to me, for the short time they were with me, for the short time they grew inside me, for me to not acknowledge them, for me not to grieve them. No one can help me heal, except me and that is why acknowledging their loss on that anniversary is so very important to me, even when no one else understands it.