Yesterday, amongst all the birthday messages, I received one message that was so profound that it gave me the biggest A-ha moment I’ve had since becoming a mother. My friend Chantal, sent me this:

Hi Shaz, Happy Birthday, your first one as a Mom. It’s not just a celebration for you, but also of your precious miracle, Ava. A wonderful day where, for the first time in years, you don’t look back at the past year with sadness and to the coming year with fear but you look back with amazement and thankfulness and look forward to a year filled with joy, blessings, love, pride and wonder as Ava develops. Have a wonderful day and year ahead. Love Chantal & Thomas.

In an instant it hit me! I realized what the greatest problem has been with the past 6 months, I’ve spent ALL of it clinging to an identity that was no longer mine to cling to! I’ve changed but have tried to ignore the change, my circumstances are different, yet I’ve tried to remain the same.

Because of my rigid cling on my infertility, I’ve allowed myself to often feel alone, hurt, slated and isolated. I’ve sucked up some of the passive aggressive comments and hurtful remarks that have been leveled at me, as well as being blatantly ignored by acquaintances (not even friends, blog readers and Facebook “friends”) all in an attempt to fit into a mold I no longer fit into.

It’s a funny thing really, when we’re still walking the path of infertility, we think that once we’ve achieved the dream, that life will be picture perfect, that we’ll live happily ever after and I know that all of you have “achieved the dream” will relate when I say this……… that simply isn’t true, it’s a Fairy Tale, just like Cinderella and Snow White, life carries on, the reality is that it is just as full of challenges as it was before becoming mothers, before having children.

So, I’ve given this lots of thought and have made some decisions. The first one is that I can’t force what is not natural and my tight grip on people & friendships that have been slipping over the past few months needs to be loosened. I cannot force what isn’t meant to be, I’m not who I was 6 months ago and that does mean that relationships will change and some will, sadly, come to an end. I have also decided that I’m not going to eat the crap that some people have offered me, by the shovel full, over the past 6 months. So today I will be doing a big clean up on my Google Reader, Twitter and Face Book profiles and, in the words of the very wise Nicky, if you can see my status updates, congratulations, you made the cut! πŸ™‚

On wards and up wards people, I have a new life to live and newΒ  challenges to overcome and I don’t need the chains of my past holding me back!

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