I’m 5weeks 6 days “pregnant” today, or rather I should have been, instead this morning, I woke up to very bad cramps, the kind of cramps that come with a miscarriage, and bleeding, lots and lots of bleeding. Its hard to explain how I’m feeling, I’m relieved that the bleeding has started, I’m relieved that I can start putting this pregnancy behind me, I’m relieved that I don’t have to spend one more day walking around knowing that there was something dead inside me. But I’m also really sad, the last tiny flicker of hope is snuffed out with the start of the bleeding, the last tiny glimmer of the joy we experienced last week is now over, all I’m left with is termendous sadness and wondering where to from here. This miscarriage has occurred at exactly the same point as all my other miscarriages 5w6d, that’s pretty much as far as I’ve ever gotten, except for my first pregnancy.
But in the midst of all the sadness, I’ve been touched by some of the anonymous acts of kindness and love and gestures of support from so many.
A reader sent this to me the other day and it lifted my spirits and helped me feel encouraged. I won’t lie, I’m hurting badly at the moment, going through the motions of what grieving is… one moment I feel ok, the next I feel completley overwhelmed by sadness. One moment I find myself laughing at a joke and the next I’m overwhelmed by sadness and tears, laughter seems to bring on bouts of hysterical sobbing, but I suppose it all has to come out somehow. But the most overwhelming emotion I feel at the moment is hopelessness and this email just reminded me that with time and healing, my hope will be reignited and I will be able to go on.
But I received this during a particularly difficult moment of my day on Tuesday, its an email about hope from www.silentgrief.com
Hope is not a weak sentiment, but it is a robust and
vigorous confidence built on knowing that we will
get through this trial of loneliness, separation, and
grief over our loss. Shipwreck occurs following
a loss, but we don’t have to stay that way forever
thanks to the assurance of the living hope within us!
If you are feeling alone and lost today, don’t give
up! Remember that just as the sun has risen to awaken
a new day, so will the hope that is asleep in you be
awakened to meet your needs for courage and the
will to go on to find your new normal in a world that
is now so different for you.
When you begin to falter, surround yourself with
nature and fill your heart and soul be renewed with
fresh hope! Watch for the evening stars to light up
the dark sky, and know that the hope that is abiding
in you will light up your darkest night, also.
Trust. Cast aside fear. Remind yourself often that
you are not alone. And, soon you will be filled
with new hope to carry you through! –Clara Hinton
“Hope is that heroic step of throwing yourself into
total confidence in God.” –Clara Hinton
“And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope
is in Thee.” –Psalm 39:7