First – a warning – long, whiny assed, self pitying post ahead, forgive me, I’m in a very bad head space at the moment.

Now for the promised blog posting that has everyone so intrigued. And an apology, it sounded far more intriguing than what it actually is. Its just another example of how infertility sucks HAIRBALLS. Of how infertility can make you loose your mind, of how infertility can give you a glimmer of hope and then rip it away just as fast.

W and I are scheduled to start out IVF in approximately a month. This was our last cycle to give it out best shot. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything, but in an attempt at being optimistic, I figured miracles happend all the time to other infertiles, there’s no reason it can’t happen for me.

And so we started this cycle, determined to do everything within our power to save ourselves the planned R36 000 IVF layout. I charted diligently,Β  we ate healthily, I used OPK’s which I hate and find extremely tiresome, as soon as I started seeing the surge on the OPK’s we ensured we had intercourse on all the right days. We used PreSeedΒ to get around my Hostile Cervical Mucous issue. I think we covered all the bases. And then it happened, my picture perfect chart (for the first time since I started charting 7 months ago) showed ovulation exactly on CD14, one day after I’d had the surge on the OPK and one day after I’d had my fertile mucous showing. And for the first time in months I got a glimmer of hope. I thought with such a great chart, surely we had a good chance at success.

Then on CD22, exactly 8 days past ovulation, I got bright red spotting, very light and only once, it hasn’t happened again. And what’s the first thing that goes through an infertiles head when they see spotting around that time of their cycle? Yes! You’re right, as stupid as it sounds, I thought it may be implantation spotting, even though I’d NEVER had it with any of my 6 previous pregnancies or with anyof my chemical pregnancies. But I justified it to myself saying this would be my first pregnancy in a healthy uterus. There would be no polyp to interfere with the implanting embryo, there would be no toxic fluid leaking from my right fallopian tube damaging my embryo, there would be no scar tissue and no septum, the embryo would be able to implant into healthy endometrium lining and perhaps that is why for the first time in my life I was experiencing implantation spotting.

So what do you think I did next? Of course, if you’re infertile you’ll know the answer to that! I rushed to my local pharmacy and under the guise of buying magazines, cotton wool and supplements, I lined the bottom of my basket with every brand of Home Pregnancy Test I could get my hands on. You see, with all of my previous pregnancies, I’ve aways shown + results very early. With my last pregnancy, for example, I tested + with a home test on CD22, I had a + blood test with an HCG count of 30 on CD25. I had my repeat test done on CD27 with a count of 79 and my final blood test was done on CD29 with a count of 200. So I figured there’d be no harm in pee’ing on the home test straight away – POSITIVE result. So now I’d like to draw your attention to my chart below:

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What followed was torture like any other wait with fertility treatment is torture. I spent the rest of the day unable to work, staring at this + pregnancy test. Dumb founded, trying to convince myself that it was in fact not true. But unable to deny what my eyes could see. That’s when the anxiety started kicking in.Β  I usually hate telling W about these things because I hate to see how I get his hopes up only crush them a few days later, but this time I had to tell him. So on Thursday morning, with my first morning urine, I did another home test,this time with him at hand to witness the result (see how infertility has messed with my mind, I don’t even trust my own eyes anymore) and sure enough, there it was, within the first 30 seconds, undeniably a + result. I couldn’t believe it.

How could this be? It sounded like one of those dreadful stories that fertiles try to soothe us infertiles with. About how so-and-so had tried everything and when she decided to adopt, voila, she found out she was pregnant. Or so-and-so who was preparing for IVF and wouldn’t you just know it, she found out she was pregnant. My heart so badly wanted to believe that I was going to live one of those miracle stories. That I was goig to be one of those phantom people we all hear about but don’t actually know. But my mind kept telling me to stop living in fantasty land. That that would never happen to me!

So guess which one was right? I’ll give you a clue – the answer is in my chart.

On Friday morning when I woke up and took my temp, there was a massive dip, again, unable to believe I could be so lucky, I used another home test. W and I had agreed that if I continued to get + results, I’d go for the blood confirmation on Monday. But in my heart I felt that I already knew the result, if the + on the home test had been so good that even W could see it without over analyzing it, then it had to be. Boy was I in for a shock with Friday’s test. BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I spent the entire day obsessing over the result, unable to focus on anything, with my hope and my heart swinging from dispair to a little bit of hope and back to despair again.

I didn’t want to tell anyone about this because I feel so fucking stupid. But when I started this blog, I started it as a place for me to express my emotion, in all its ugly glory and that was why yesterday I hinted at what was coming. But I had to wait for confirmation one way or the other first and this morning, confirmation is what I got.

I did another test, with the idea that if it came up +, I was going to get in my car and drive straight away to my fertility clinic and demand and early blood test. Well none of that was necessary. I took every different brand of test I had and used them all this morning. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE.

There’s no denying it, its totally over. What I don’t know, what I’ll never know, is if it was just faulty home tests, which I find really hard to believe, or if this is yet again me having another chemical pregnancy, God, I’ve so many of those I’ve lost count.

So once again, hope you little bitch, thanks for nothing. So once again I have to drag W down and tell him how sorry I am that this is happened.

God some days (like to today) I feel I”m trapped in hell with no chance of escape.

WHEN WILL THIS EVER END???????????????