Hope – Sometimes You’re Such A Bitch

First – a warning – long, whiny assed, self pitying post ahead, forgive me, I’m in a very bad head space at the moment.

Now for the promised blog posting that has everyone so intrigued. And an apology, it sounded far more intriguing than what it actually is. Its just another example of how infertility sucks HAIRBALLS. Of how infertility can make you loose your mind, of how infertility can give you a glimmer of hope and then rip it away just as fast.

W and I are scheduled to start out IVF in approximately a month. This was our last cycle to give it out best shot. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything, but in an attempt at being optimistic, I figured miracles happend all the time to other infertiles, there’s no reason it can’t happen for me.

And so we started this cycle, determined to do everything within our power to save ourselves the planned R36 000 IVF layout. I charted diligently,  we ate healthily, I used OPK’s which I hate and find extremely tiresome, as soon as I started seeing the surge on the OPK’s we ensured we had intercourse on all the right days. We used PreSeed to get around my Hostile Cervical Mucous issue. I think we covered all the bases. And then it happened, my picture perfect chart (for the first time since I started charting 7 months ago) showed ovulation exactly on CD14, one day after I’d had the surge on the OPK and one day after I’d had my fertile mucous showing. And for the first time in months I got a glimmer of hope. I thought with such a great chart, surely we had a good chance at success.

Then on CD22, exactly 8 days past ovulation, I got bright red spotting, very light and only once, it hasn’t happened again. And what’s the first thing that goes through an infertiles head when they see spotting around that time of their cycle? Yes! You’re right, as stupid as it sounds, I thought it may be implantation spotting, even though I’d NEVER had it with any of my 6 previous pregnancies or with anyof my chemical pregnancies. But I justified it to myself saying this would be my first pregnancy in a healthy uterus. There would be no polyp to interfere with the implanting embryo, there would be no toxic fluid leaking from my right fallopian tube damaging my embryo, there would be no scar tissue and no septum, the embryo would be able to implant into healthy endometrium lining and perhaps that is why for the first time in my life I was experiencing implantation spotting.

So what do you think I did next? Of course, if you’re infertile you’ll know the answer to that! I rushed to my local pharmacy and under the guise of buying magazines, cotton wool and supplements, I lined the bottom of my basket with every brand of Home Pregnancy Test I could get my hands on. You see, with all of my previous pregnancies, I’ve aways shown + results very early. With my last pregnancy, for example, I tested + with a home test on CD22, I had a + blood test with an HCG count of 30 on CD25. I had my repeat test done on CD27 with a count of 79 and my final blood test was done on CD29 with a count of 200. So I figured there’d be no harm in pee’ing on the home test straight away – POSITIVE result. So now I’d like to draw your attention to my chart below:


What followed was torture like any other wait with fertility treatment is torture. I spent the rest of the day unable to work, staring at this + pregnancy test. Dumb founded, trying to convince myself that it was in fact not true. But unable to deny what my eyes could see. That’s when the anxiety started kicking in.  I usually hate telling W about these things because I hate to see how I get his hopes up only crush them a few days later, but this time I had to tell him. So on Thursday morning, with my first morning urine, I did another home test,this time with him at hand to witness the result (see how infertility has messed with my mind, I don’t even trust my own eyes anymore) and sure enough, there it was, within the first 30 seconds, undeniably a + result. I couldn’t believe it.

How could this be? It sounded like one of those dreadful stories that fertiles try to soothe us infertiles with. About how so-and-so had tried everything and when she decided to adopt, voila, she found out she was pregnant. Or so-and-so who was preparing for IVF and wouldn’t you just know it, she found out she was pregnant. My heart so badly wanted to believe that I was going to live one of those miracle stories. That I was goig to be one of those phantom people we all hear about but don’t actually know. But my mind kept telling me to stop living in fantasty land. That that would never happen to me!

So guess which one was right? I’ll give you a clue – the answer is in my chart.

On Friday morning when I woke up and took my temp, there was a massive dip, again, unable to believe I could be so lucky, I used another home test. W and I had agreed that if I continued to get + results, I’d go for the blood confirmation on Monday. But in my heart I felt that I already knew the result, if the + on the home test had been so good that even W could see it without over analyzing it, then it had to be. Boy was I in for a shock with Friday’s test. BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I spent the entire day obsessing over the result, unable to focus on anything, with my hope and my heart swinging from dispair to a little bit of hope and back to despair again.

I didn’t want to tell anyone about this because I feel so fucking stupid. But when I started this blog, I started it as a place for me to express my emotion, in all its ugly glory and that was why yesterday I hinted at what was coming. But I had to wait for confirmation one way or the other first and this morning, confirmation is what I got.

I did another test, with the idea that if it came up +, I was going to get in my car and drive straight away to my fertility clinic and demand and early blood test. Well none of that was necessary. I took every different brand of test I had and used them all this morning. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE.

There’s no denying it, its totally over. What I don’t know, what I’ll never know, is if it was just faulty home tests, which I find really hard to believe, or if this is yet again me having another chemical pregnancy, God, I’ve so many of those I’ve lost count.

So once again, hope you little bitch, thanks for nothing. So once again I have to drag W down and tell him how sorry I am that this is happened.

God some days (like to today) I feel I”m trapped in hell with no chance of escape.

WHEN WILL THIS EVER END???????????????

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  • Reply Shawna

    Suck! suck! Suck!!!

    January 31, 2009 at 8:13 am
  • Reply Lea White

    Oh that absolutely sucks!!! I’m so incredibly sorry for you guys.

    Hugs, prayers and thoughts!!!

    January 31, 2009 at 9:22 am
  • Reply CalT

    I can’t believe that. It is just so not fair!
    I’m so upset for you. It’s just wrong. 🙁
    I’m so sorry 🙁

    January 31, 2009 at 9:39 am
  • Reply janin

    oh sharry im so sorry – ive been following this blog every day , hoping so much for you! Please forgive me – but is there any chance that something just went a little crazy and that maybe its all okay still? my home tests were negative so I went out and got sh*tfaced and then did another one the next day and it was positive

    January 31, 2009 at 10:53 am
  • Reply Joni

    Ag no my Friend, this just sucks!! Hugs to you and W!!

    I mailed you on FB!!!

    Damn HPT’s they suck!!!

    January 31, 2009 at 11:02 am
  • Reply Katherine

    I am so unbelievably sorry. Something like this is just so much worse than a BFN and seems like a horribly cruel joke.

    January 31, 2009 at 12:22 pm
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    Crap. I’m so sorry, Shaz. Just another little something the fertility gods threw in your path for no purpose other than disappointment. (hugs)….and I’m so so sorry you had to get kicked in the gut yet again.

    January 31, 2009 at 2:52 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Oh noooooo! I can’t believe it! I really really thought this was it for you, I felt so happy for you. I’m so sorry hon. No words can describe just how I feel, it sucks! Absolutely sucks!!! My heart is broken for you…… Why?

    January 31, 2009 at 3:07 pm
  • Reply Amanda

    Oh Sharon, I cannot even start to tell you how incredibly sorry I am that this has happened. And I know that nothing I say will make you feel better, all I can do is send you lots of love and lots of (((((hugs))))), for both you and W. Take good care of yourself this weekend.
    Lots of love, A. xxxxxxx

    January 31, 2009 at 4:14 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    I am so damned sorry. That sucks more than I have the words to express. {{{Hugs}}}

    January 31, 2009 at 6:46 pm
  • Reply stacey

    SO not what I was hoping to read here today… Sharon I’m so sorry. I know you are angry and frustrated. It’s so hard to hope and then when you allow yourself a teeny tiny shred of it, it knocks the wind out of you. Don’t feel stupid! So many of us have been there before, wishing it was finally happening.

    Just want you to know that you’re in my thoughts & prayers today.

    ((((BIG HUGS))))

    January 31, 2009 at 7:13 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    Ag no man Shaz, I’m so, so sorry 🙁
    That’s dreadfully sucky and unfair too.
    Thinking of you…

    January 31, 2009 at 8:12 pm
  • Reply Adel

    Ag no man!!! So sorry Shaz. I also learned to hate hope due to IF.

    Thinking of you!

    January 31, 2009 at 9:11 pm
  • Reply Glenda

    Hey Sharon

    Shitty – I’m sorry.

    I know nobody needs cheap advise and I know that everybody is different and I get that you really don’t need it but I’m going to anyway….I did 6 IVF’s (am BFP on the last one…10 weeks and absolutely shitting myself). Had 3 chemicals and 2 BFN’s. On the 4 cycles I got BFP’s I used accupuncture and one the 2 with BFN”s I didn’t…also, on my last cycle I went to a cowboy doc (the ones the other docs hate because he does stuff without 100% scientific evidence…figured with my odds it made sense to go outside standard thinking. He put my on clexane without any medical basis just ‘to see’ and buggered if it worked (could have course just been in the stars, my turn, the fact that I had totally given up (so she says!)…)

    I know that you are a veteran and you’ve heard it all and I really write this very tentatively and humbly….I just want to put it out there in case something is of use.

    God Bless you.

    January 31, 2009 at 11:38 pm
  • Reply Glenda

    Sharon…something else I want to share.

    You know how Thomas Edison (or one of those guys) only invented the light bulb after 1000 odd times (can’t remember the number…just remember it was lots). And the guy who wrote Jonathon Livingston’s Seagull submitted hundreds of manuscripts before getting published….for years I’ve wondered about that….how if he’d (Edison and the others) had never got it right we might think he was just another idiot but how, in the light of his success and history, we look at him and marvel that he could push through to 1007, 1008…never knowing if it was going to 1010 that did it or 17063. With IVF I have though about this a lot – what is the point where it is simply perservance and a commitment to your dream versus an obsession and a denial and reluctance to accept reality. How does one know the difference and is it only the ultimate outcome that decides.

    I’m not offering any comfort I know…I guess I just want to empathise because what you went through/are going through is not lunancy but the pursuit of a dream and I wish you Godspeed on that journey and the strength to follow it to its rightful end whatever that may be.

    January 31, 2009 at 11:50 pm
  • Reply Elana

    I am soooo sorry. That sucks so bad there aren’t even words for it. Chemical pregnancies are just so unfair and you have every right to feel the way you do. *hugs*

    February 1, 2009 at 1:22 am
  • Reply monica lemoine

    GAWD, Shaz, that’s so shitty. I’m sorry. I’ve been there, done that (although not gotten a false prego test) – I’ve done the obsessive prego testing and been disappointed before. It’s crap.

    February 1, 2009 at 2:25 am
  • Reply Sassy

    That is so so horrible. I’m so sorry. That is just unbearably cruel. *hug*

    February 1, 2009 at 2:48 am
  • Reply celia

    I am so sorry. Nothing is worse than a sucker punch from Hope.

    February 1, 2009 at 4:51 am
  • Reply Suzanna Catherine

    Been away from the computer for a little while. I’m really sorry you’ve been going through this difficult time. It isn’t fair. I wish there were better words to comfort you. Thinking about you. Abiding with you.

    February 1, 2009 at 9:30 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    I’m so very sorry ! ((((((HUGS))))))))

    February 1, 2009 at 11:13 am
  • Reply Jackie

    I’m sorry that you had to go through that. What an emotional rollercoaster. Sending support and hugs across the ocean…

    February 1, 2009 at 4:27 pm
  • Reply Jamie

    I have always felt that having IF was bad enough, do I need the mind f*ck, too? Is it really necessary?

    I’m so sorry . . . thinking of you . . .

    February 1, 2009 at 5:49 pm
  • Reply SCY

    FARK FARK FARK FARK FARK FARK FARK FARK FARK FARK!!!! My friend, I’m SO sorry I was really rooting for a miracle for you and W.

    I’m here if you need me.


    February 1, 2009 at 6:29 pm
  • Reply Charne

    O shaz i which i could take all your pain away! Hugs my special friend

    February 1, 2009 at 6:37 pm
  • Reply Lynese

    Hope is such a bitch!
    This seems unbearably cruel. Thinking of you. Really sorry.

    February 1, 2009 at 9:25 pm
  • Reply Gen

    I am so sorry to hear this, I know the feeling and it is such an overwhelming dissapointment – Why the F**k we have to go through this over and over only God knows.
    I am thinking of you and Walter today.
    Hugs !!!!

    February 2, 2009 at 8:56 am
  • Reply Marina

    I’m so sorry Sharon. xxx

    February 2, 2009 at 9:09 am
  • Reply Lesley

    That really sucks. So sorry that this happened Sharon. I wish it have worked out differently.

    Big hugs

    February 2, 2009 at 9:47 am
  • Reply dee

    I am so sorry. xxx

    February 2, 2009 at 10:15 am
  • Reply Abbey

    Sharon, Saying sorry just cannot do the situation any justice. Just know that I am thinking of you and W and hoping that time will heal your broken hearts and that the future still holds that full term pregnancy for you guys. Glenda’s reply is so true…you are no idiot for hoping, your faith and perseverance are what make you such an inspiration to others. It’s those qaulities that will get you through this nightmare. You are in my thoughts today Sharon. I’m so, so sad that you have to face this hurdle yet again.

    Sending you lots of hugs filled with special love

    February 2, 2009 at 10:16 am
  • Reply Maritza

    Must be really tough on you Shaz. Always so difficult to get one’s mind around these disappointments.

    Thinking of you!


    February 2, 2009 at 11:12 am
  • Reply skrambled

    AHHHH man! I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.

    February 2, 2009 at 11:42 am
  • Reply Mermaid

    So sorry… Thinking of you.

    February 2, 2009 at 1:53 pm
  • Reply Meganm1

    Hi Sharon,

    I am so sorry to hear. I can’t believe it. I can just imagine how your heart must have skipped a beat when you saw the +ve again and again, just to do more and get -ves. I am so sorry 🙁

    February 3, 2009 at 8:47 am
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