The torture has begun!

Even though I have told myself, and anyone willing to listen that I do not actually care if I get a BFP this cycle, the truth is, that’s a total lie. Of course I care, I care so much its become an obsession. My other favorite piece of internal dialogue currently is: “I don’t think this cycle has worked” but of course I would not be a true infertile if I actually believed that. No, hope reigns supreme in me! I wish it didn’t, it might make this all easier to cope with, but there’s still that little bit of hope in me, that little bit that refuses to believe failure until that ugly fat lady sings.

I’ve had a rather interesting week of symptom watching, am I or aren’t I obsessing. I’ve gotten sooo good at hiding it that I bet nobody even notices, aside from my fellow infertiles who would recognize the signs of a desperate infertile anywhere! I’ve actually been excited by the fact that I’ve felt so yuck this week. I’ve battled insomnia, headaches and tummy troubles since CD20 and that makes me happy!! FREAK!!! This cycle is also first of my many planned rebellion cycles. NO more clinics, no more FS’s, no more dildo cam’s, no more injections, no more medications, no more early morning rushes to the clinic. NO MORE!

So as part of my symptom watching/obsessing, you will of course all know what I have done? I toddled off to Dischem two days ago and bought 4 HPT’s ala Maritzastyle. My cupboard is now also stocked with a bunch of stuff I don’t actually need but felt I had to buy in order to hide the boxes of HPT’s buried at the bottom of the basket! At this point, let me just say SORRY HARTJIE, I know you get cross cos you say I waste money on these things, but please understand, they have so much power over me, I can’t contol myself! 🙁 Of course, today being CD24, I have POAS twice a day since my hidden purchase and of course its far too early to ever get any kind of reliable result, so of course, they have all been BFN’s! 🙁 But that has not stopped me from staring at them, from looking at them in ever kind of light, from turning them this way and that way, and chucking them in the bin and then running back to get them out of the bin and examining them again for the slighest hint of a second line. Do you see how they control me??

I’ll have to make a plan for a second shopping trip as I’ve now finished all my HPT’s and there is NO WAY I can make it through the next 4 days without POAS! NO way’s I can wait for AF to arrive with out POAS! The compulsion/obsession is so strong that I’ve actually begun thinking I need to join a support group, something like AA or NA but for HPT addicts!

Hi. My name is Sharon and I’m an HPT addict!

For my non Infertile readers, family and friends, please go to Fertilicare for the explanations of the acronyms used in this post.