Last night, I went for dinner and a movie with some girlfriends. We went to see My Sisters Keeper and I must be honest, having read the book before, I found the movie a little disappointing. But there were a couple of scenes in the movie that I could really relate to.
One of the themes in the movie explored how the mother had literally made saving her daughter a full time job, to her own detriment and that of the rest of her family. How many of us battling infertility do the same thing? How many of us become so single minded in our quest for motherhood that we are willing to do whatever it takes in order to see our dream achieved, regardless of the damage it may do to the ones we love. I know I’m guilty of this! Early on in our journey I was so obsessed and determined to win this battle no matter what that there were numerous occasions where I forced W into treatments and situations he did not want to participate in. I abused his kind nature and did not consider his feelings. I had a single track mind, get pregnant, stay pregnant, have a baby, become a mother. Its painful for me to admit now, but there were times early on in our journey where I was so determined that I didn’t actually care if I destroyed our marriage in the process. I lost my identity, I was no longer Sharon, I was just a woman determined to have a baby. It took a long time for me to wake up and see what I was doing, it took a long time for me to recognize the hurt that W was experiencing. I believe its part of the IF journey, I see so many of my fellow IF sisters passing through this phase early on in their journey. It took a few years for my new enlightenment to settle with me. Its taken a long time to get to a point where although IF is a large part of what I do, I’m no longer defined by it, I”m no longer obsessed with it, I’m confident that no matter how things turn out, I will be ok, I will be happy.
I also recognized something else int he movie, something else familiar. In the scene where the daughter is dying, her final night, her entire family gathers around, each of them in so much pain seeing what she is going through. Each one of them dispensing some assvice…. you have to fight…you have to stay positive…think about killing your cancer cells… All of those words meant for encouragement. I watched as the daughter smiled graciously at all of them, at their empty words and I so related… its better you miscarried now than later… at least you know you can fall pregnant…just pray and you won’t miscarry…I too have smiled graciously (ok not always graciously) but I have smiled and gritted my teeth as these words of wisdom were dispensed to me. But with time I realized those words, meant to offer me comfort, were actually to offer the barer comfort. The people we love can’t stand to see the pain we’re in, they look for ways to comfort themselves as they watch us writhing in the agony of our individual situations.
So not the greatest movie ever but certainly there were elements of the movie that I related to, that touched me. I thought about Lea & Bianca a lot during this movie and their journey seemed so much more real to me, it brought tears to my eyes!