I Just Realized……

Ava has healed my broken heart in ways I could never have imagined. Just today I had another reminder of how my broken heart has healed. Its scarred and battered, it will never be what it was 8 years ago, but its whole again, for the 1st time in nearly 8 years.

I was browsing the fertility support forum I belong to when I came across my last last cycle buddy. I hated cycle buddies, the entire time I was going through all my IVF’s, I hated cycle buddies, they were like bad omens, because to be sure, as soon as my cycle buddy got her BFP I knew I was heading for a BFN. Cycle Buddies always boded ill for my cycles, that is till my FET. This cycle buddy was having GIFT and I was having FET so although our cycles ran concurrently, she had her GIFT done a few days after I had my FET transfer, which would have put her a few days behind me. I’ll never forget when I got the stunning, incredible news that my FET was + how my cycle buddy had responded. She was upset because now that I’d had my BFP she was sure she was going to get a BFN.

I remember the day I heard my beta’s were dropping, she received word that her GIFT was +. It was a bitter bitter pill to swallow, I remember being really angry with her, I wanted to send her a nasty message about how she felt now, now that the roles had switched and I was indeed again on the wrong end of the cycle buddy seesaw!

Well, back to today, I logged on and saw her pregnancy ticker, saw that her baby is due in 9 days and suddenly it dawned on me. My due date! I should have been a few days away from delivery, my due date was the 15th June. I should have been heavily pregnant, I should have been checking and double checking my hospital bag, checking and re checking our unborn babies bedroom, I should have been having some Braxton hicks contractions, I should have been many many many things.

Instead, I was completely oblivious to all of this till I saw her ticker this morning. Instead, I am a mommy, I have a six month old baby, I got the best ever “get out of jail free card” , I passed begin, I hit the jackpot, I gambled and I won.

So how do I feel? Oddly at peace but with a tinge of sadness. Bitter sweet! Sadness for that baby lost, sadness that I will never know that baby, sadness that I lost so many, sadness that I will never know any of them.

But joy at the beautiful, living, breathing, here on earth, angel I’ve been blessed with.

I’ve realized I’ll never get over it, but I have learned to live with it.

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