And today I flashed this around:
Just daring somebody to ask me what that’s from. I’ll tell them, its my medal of honour, its a stamp of bravery, its a sign that I’m not the person I was 7 years ago. Seven years ago I was terrified of anything medically related. A trip to the denist was a nightmare, a holiday requiring vaccinations was terrifying. In fact W said to me just yesterday that if somebody had told me 7 years ago that in order to have a baby I would have to become buds with a specialist, I’d have to have blood tests every couple of days, one to two injections a day for weeks at a time and have to go every second week for a IV until I was 12 weeks pregnant, he reckons I would have told that somebody that no thanks, I’d rather not be having a baby then.
Its amazing what this overwhelming desire to nurture, love and raise a child has given me the the courage, ability and strength to do. I’m proud of it. I’m proud of who its made me, I’m like a warrior woman, the things that I was afraid of before seem small and trivial now, I’m not the same fearful person I was before. I’ve learned that I can push myself to both my emotional and physical limit and still bounce back, still be a fully functioning person.
Last night that bruise and a couple of others, from numerous attempts at getting in an IV line, kept waking me up, they’re painful, that one specifically has my arm really swollen, but its also a comfort. Its a reminder of where I’ve come from and where I’m going.
Another example is of what I did yesterday for the very first time. It may seem small and trivial for some, but for those who know me in real life will vouch, it was a huge leap for me. I injected myself for the very first time. I sat in the lounge yesterday morning, mixed my 4 ampoule’s of Menopur, wiped my stomach with the alcohol swab, grabbed a chunk of flesh and before I even gave myself the chance to get all childish and physche myself out of it, I jabbed that needle all the way in. W almost chocked on his coffee when he saw me do it, but I also think its another sign for him of just how far I’m willing to go for this, of just how deep the desire for motherhood is in me.