I Wear My War Wounds With Pride

And today I flashed this around:

dripbruise

Just daring somebody to ask me what that’s from. I’ll tell them, its my medal of honour, its a stamp of bravery, its a sign that I’m not the person I was 7 years ago. Seven years ago I was terrified of anything medically related. A trip to the denist was a nightmare, a holiday requiring vaccinations was terrifying. In fact W said to me just yesterday that if somebody had told me 7 years ago that in order to have a baby I would have to become buds with a specialist, I’d have to have blood tests every couple of days, one to two injections a day for weeks at a time and have to go every second week for a IV until I was 12 weeks pregnant, he reckons I would have told that somebody that no thanks, I’d rather not be having a baby then.

Its amazing what this overwhelming desire to nurture, love and raise a child has given me the the courage, ability and strength to do. I’m proud of it. I’m proud of who its made me, I’m like a warrior woman, the things that I was afraid of before seem small and trivial now, I’m not the same fearful person I was before. I’ve learned that I can push myself to both my emotional and physical limit and still bounce back, still be a fully functioning person.

Last night that bruise and a couple of others, from numerous attempts at getting in an IV line, kept waking me up, they’re painful, that one specifically has my arm really swollen, but its also a comfort. Its a reminder of where I’ve come from and where I’m going.

Another example is of what I did yesterday for the very first time. It may seem small and trivial for some, but for those who know me in real life will vouch, it was a huge leap for me. I injected myself for the very first time. I sat in the lounge yesterday morning, mixed my 4 ampoule’s of Menopur, wiped my stomach with the alcohol swab, grabbed a chunk of flesh and before I even gave myself the chance to get all childish and physche myself out of it, I jabbed that needle all the way in.  W almost chocked on his coffee when he saw me do it, but I also think its another sign for him of just how far I’m willing to go for this, of just how deep the desire for motherhood is in me.

22 Comments

  • Maritza

    March 4, 2009 at 7:43 am

    *Take off hat and put on chest*

    Know exactly what ur about, and while the rest of the whole wide world might be saying: “Why doesn’t she just adopt?” I stand and say: “Some things are worth fighting for” and the likes of ourselves will not rest untill we’ve fought out every last drop of desire and possibility. Because it’s worth it.

    Very proud of you my friend!

    How many of these transfusions do you need?

    Reply
  • CalT

    March 4, 2009 at 7:46 am

    Your post brought tears to my eyes. You really are so brave Shaz. I don’t even really know you but I feel so proud for you.

    Out of all the BFP’s I could hear of, yours would make me the happiest! (And I mean it!) I truly hope that you get your miracle that you are so deserving of.

    Reply
  • Abbey

    March 4, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Einah! That looks bloody sore. Well done Sharon, for the transfusion and for jabbing yourself with those scary needles. You’ve definitely got what it takes to succeed!

    Reply
  • Hela

    March 4, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Looks like a very painful stamp & You most certainly deserve more than a Medal!
    You truly have bravery & courage. You would put some military men to shame.

    Reply
  • Jo

    March 4, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I can totally sympathize. I used to be terrified of needles — couldn’t look, psyched myself all up over any necessary shot. Now, I inject myself like nobody’s business! (I still look away when they draw blood, though).

    So very proud of you!

    Reply
  • Elana

    March 4, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Congrats on giving yourself that first shot. The first one is always the hardest, and you did it totally correct (by not giving yourself enough time to think about it). I hope this is it for you!!!

    Reply
  • j

    March 4, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Wow that is some bruise from an IVF…I know all this will be worth it in the end.I will have to read up on this lipid treatment so I can understand what you’re going through.

    Reply
  • Hollie

    March 4, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Well DONE! and Well Said!! You are so right about the fears you have taking a serious back seat to the desire to have a child. I don’t think I want to go back to Hollie, preIF. This Hollie (and Shaz) kick some serious butt and can take the world by the horns and spit in their face! You are one strong woman and I’m proud to share this part of our lives together.

    Reply
  • monica lemoine

    March 4, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    A lovely post, Shaz. Sending you continued courage and strength, not that you aren’t already about the strongest person with more perseverance than a lot of people I know. Hugs, and take care of those bruises.

    Reply
  • stacey

    March 5, 2009 at 2:56 am

    You most definitely are a brave woman. I’m so proud of you for giving yourself the injection! Way to conquer that fear! I’m standing behind you 100%. Love ya!

    Reply
  • WiseGuy

    March 5, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Congrats for that brave step that you have taken.

    I am too chicken to ever inject myself. When I was going through my IVF/ICSI, even I had developed a bluish patch on one of my arms. Doctors had trouble finding a vein on one of my arms, so the other one got bombarded with the tender needles. Anyways, the patch was faint and it went away. I so wish, that it had been worth all that pain.

    Reply
  • Erica Schlaefer

    March 9, 2009 at 12:32 am

    I used to faint when giving blood. Hah! It’s laughable after going through ART. I once had a bruce 7 inches long and 4 inches wide on my abdoment. Woops, popped a blood vessel.
    These things are normal now.

    Reply
  • aboxerangel

    April 6, 2009 at 4:03 am

    I found your blog looking for inspiration to give myself that first jab. It is truely amazing what some of us will do for a chance at motherhood. I surely never thought my legs would see more stirrups than they did in the 80s. The injectables is a new level for me, and it has been creeping me out all morning. Sending good vibes and baby dust your way.

    Reply

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