I Wish I Were Dead…

That is the last line that appeared on my blog posting dated from the 15th October 2009.

Thankfully, God did not grant me that wish because I would have missed out on so much. I still marvel out how quickly things can change, how our lives can be moving along on one path and the next moment, we’re on a completely different path. I know I never saw this coming for myself and I’m sure nobody else could have seen this coming for me either. That one moment I would be mourning the loss of yet another pregnancy and the next moment my arms and my heart would be filled by the love of our child. I still hope and pray that my story, my experience can be a source of hope and inspiration for other infertiles out there.

There have been loads of up’s and down’s in the last 10 months. I’ve cried rivers of tears, some from joy and some from sadness. I’ve experienced tremendous peace knowing that one part of my life has ended while a new journey has begun. I have felt tremendous anxiety surrounding the details of our adoption, only to have that also replaced by peace. I’ve had my body permanently scarred by a tattoo to serve as a reminder of the path I walked and the miracle granted to me. I’ve had Dr’s appointments that but have not once had to take my pants off for a scan, nor have I been the patient for a change. I’ve witnessed injections been administered and for a change it wasn’t me receiving the injections. I’ve learned how to have a forgiving spirit, I’ve played my part in restoring a friendship that means more to me than words can say. I’ve made lots of new friends who are also at the starting point of their motherhood journey’s and sadly, I’ve lost some friends along the way as the distance between the two forks in the road got wider and wider. I’ve been hurt and I’ve done the hurting. I’ve learned when to let go and how to move on. I’ve learned the never ending depth and breadth of a mothers love. I’ve learned how to live so unselfishly that the needs of my child come before my own needs, no matter how sick or how tired I am.

It has been an amazing year of self discovery and of growth and I thank God every day that he did not grant that wish, that I am not dead, but alive and well and happy and at peace!


  • nolene123

    October 15, 2010 at 9:48 am

    We are just as happy your wish was not granted. Isn’t it amazing how quickly life changes and we addapt. I read on FC forum on someone’s signature : In the end it will be ok, if it is not ok, it is not the end. True dat!

  • hollielee5

    October 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    this is God’s grace, right there, on a silver platter FOR YOU! Awesomeness! Im so happy for you. God KnOwS when to leave a prayer, “UNANSWERED”. Im so glad and thankful that HE did! :O)

  • orbit365

    October 15, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    This post had me in tears. As did the one of last year. How wonderful that all your dreams came true in the most unexpected way. How wonderful is God’s timing? How awesome of a miracle-worker is He?
    I have so enjoyed following your journey this past year even though was painful for me sometimes. My heart broke with yours when you had your MC. And it soared along with yours when you had your beautiful, blissful, happy ending.
    Thank you for allowing me to share in it.

  • little29

    October 15, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    what a difference a few weeks can make……. when I think back to when you started your journey to adoption and before anyone could wipe their eyes your arms were filled with your brand new baby girl. I have loved being part of your journey – the tears, trials and tribulations!! and it will only get better from here 🙂

  • reluctantmom

    October 17, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    “I still hope and pray that my story, my experience can be a source of hope and inspiration ….”

    It is, it is, it is …. even if I have to give your story to them. Think of the people you inspire who go out and inspire others …. my friend has (finally) gone to an adoption agency and I do not think it is in no small part because of the “cut and paste” I did from your blog and your voice that could be heard through your words.

    Your journey and who you are inspires others!

  • Mash

    October 19, 2010 at 10:33 am

    OMG. This post really, really speaks to me. I think it’s safe for me to say that I feel that way right now, like it really, really can’t get any worse. I’m trying to stay upbeat on my blog, but there are days like yesterday that I wonder how I will get out of bed ever again. And as there is a reason for everything, there is also a reason why I started to follow your blog, a year ago. It’s so important for me to know this right now, how drastically a life can change direction for the better in such a short space of time. I needed this reminder, thank you.

  • yvettene

    October 24, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    Wow is all I can say! What a blessing and miracle God has brought to your lives. From such utter pain and anguish he has brought beautiful Ava to fill your lives with so much love and happiness.


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