I’m not going to lie, the last week has been emotionally tough. It definitely ranks up there as one of the lowest points I’ve experienced in my life. I’m been confused, sad, angry. I’ve felt lost, overwhelmed and depressed. I’ve questioned myself over and over again.

Is this adoption loss a big deal? Or am I just being melodramatic? And if it isn’t a big deal, why do I feel so crushed by it. Is it the actual adoption loss that has me feeling this way? Is it immense disappointment that has me feeling this way? Is it the break down in trust of a system that has previously seen Walter and I blessed beyond our wildest imaginings with Ava that has been feeling so gutted? Why am I so angry? Why am I so sad? Why do I have so many questions? Why am I struggling to accept the hand that has been dealt?

But the one thing that I have not questioned, the one thing I’ve been most grateful for is the support that we have received, from our families, my Mom, who kept her composure until we left last Wednesday evening to return Baby K and only then allowed herself to fall apart and cry, her attempt at shielding us from more emotional trauma. Our friends who have rallied around us, making sure that Baby K would have clothing and other necessities, when last minute we got The Call and after having to give him back, ensuring that all traces of their baby donations vanished from our lives and not be a constant reminder to us (me) of what was lost. The phone calls, text messages, BBM’s, Whatsapp’s, Tweets, Face Book messages and emails expressing support, that have buoyed us and carried us through this difficult time.

And then there are those who deserve a special mention – my online support system. Tweeps and bloggers who I have never met, who only know me from my online persona. Who have surrounded, comforted and carried me with compassion and kindness. Your love and support has left me feeling cared for. Your support without pressure to answer questions about what happened. Without judgement. Without curiosity. Your support that was based purely on compassion and without a desire to share what I’m not willing/able/ready to share has meant more to me than I can ever express. From the Tweets, to the Face Book messages and even the phone calls and blog posts, from people I do not know nor have ever met and possibly will never know in real life. Your antics at promoting us as the most deserving to win the #TsogoSale give away have made me smile, made me feel like I was validated in feeling the way that I did, that it was ok to be sad over what had happened and most of all that I was cared for.

I wouldn’t have made it without you!

keep calm