If My Parents Didn’t Love My Little Girl….

Yesterday I read a blog posting by Melinda that cracked my heart wide open and made me ache on the inside for her, Emma, Ben and families touched by intolerance.

As a parent we are naturally proud of our children, no matter their skin colour, no matter their short comings, no matter whether they have special needs or not, we don’t see their imperfections, we only see utter perfection in everything that they are and that they do and we want to share their utter perfection with the people around us.

But imagine having them go unacknowledged? Thinking about that cuts me like a knife, right to my core. What if Ava were Emma and I was Melinda? What if someone from my family couldn’t acknowledge or love my perfect little girl purely because of their own intolerance and preconceived idea’s. This hurts me, it hurts me to my core, it makes my heart ache for Melinda and when I look at adorable Emma I feel physical pain for them both.

This is an issue that I think many adopters battle with and I think it’s one of the major reason’s why so many infertile couples are afraid to investigate cross racial adoption.  I know it’s true for me. I know that it was a big factor in our racial selection during our adoption assessments. Our race preference had very little to do with our choices and everything to do with the tolerance/intolerance of the people who would surround us and society in general. It is a huge responsibility and one that will hurt.

Ava, like to many adopted children, has taught me so very much. She has taught me that a child is a child in all their innocent and perfect glory and that they deserve to be loved no matter their genetics, skin colour, culture or roots.

Knowing what I know now and feeling the way I do now, running Trinity Heart has been, at times painful. I am inundated on a daily basis by requests from desperate, broken, infertile couples looking for assistance on the adoption journey and their number one request is where to find a Caucasian baby. They, like myself when first embarking on this journey, are not looking to fill the void of the love of a child, they’re looking for the perfect package acceptable by our society.

While I understand the reasons because I was there once, I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t cut me a little. Knowing what I know now that the love of a child is the most perfect love and once that bond has formed one will see past colour, special needs and looks. A love that you cannot being to imagine until you are a parent yourself.

Life and family would be so much easier if it weren’t complicated by intolerance.

To read Melinda’s heartbreaking story which appeared on Mommy Matters, you can go here: I Hope That’s The Only Black Grandchild I Ever Have.


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  • Reply Tertia Emerson

    Wow Shazie, i just read Melinda’s blog and phew… is all i can say. I feel so bad for her.. i think her father is being terribly unfair to that little girl. like you say, a child is a child and they all have the same needs no matter what colour.

    July 11, 2012 at 10:45 am
  • Reply Adele

    I read the post too and my heart also goes out to her. Obviously we had the same worries when we adopted B. Luckily our close family and friends all accepted him with open arms, but this weekend we met an aunt of my dh that did not acknowledge B – at all! Luckily we never see them, this was the first time in 12 years, but the fact that she did not acknowledge him was actually visible. B is still small enough not to care or notice, but when he gets bigger, how do you explain that to him? That is the question!

    July 11, 2012 at 12:37 pm
  • Reply cat@jugglingact

    I remember her post from way back when she did it. Sadly, it’s not only Emma and Ben that is missing out – also a grandfather that is missing out on so much

    July 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm
  • Reply Pandora

    I also find this heartbeaking, both for Emma and Ben and also for their grandfather. He is missing out on so much. And it is his issue, but even so, it becomes their issue, because kids look at themselves for reasons why things happen, and what they did to cause it.

    I don’t have a clue either how I would explain it to L if someone rejected her based on her race. I just hope if it happens I will have the correct words to explain to her that it is the other person’s issue and that it is not her fault in anyway. And I hope I will be able to look that person in the eye and ask them if it makes them feel good to break a child’s heart. Of course that would be so much harder if it was a close family member.

    We also first requested a caucasian baby, for all the usual reasons, mainly as it seemed ‘easier’ (not in terms of adoption but in general) but we had a change of heart. We met a mixed race couple who have adopted 2 children, and when I heard how she spoke about her son (they had not yet had their second placement then) I realised I wanted that too. To be a mom, nothing else mattered. Her story is on another website, and as she also told someone else, ‘A baby is a baby, do you want one or not?’ So to me it became as simple as that. I didn’t need the perfect package to please society, I just wanted a baby to love. Best decision we ever made.
    I just feel it is so sad that there are so many children longing for a loving family, so many couples hoping for a baby, yet the two cannot seem to meet up.

    July 11, 2012 at 10:06 pm
  • Reply blackhuff

    I’m not an adoptive parent but my children are friends with other people who are from other races and when I see them interact or play with each other, I notice that a child is a child. They don’t see color, race, religion, beliefs or cultures like we do. No, they see each other as mates, friends and someone who they can play with.
    A child is a child, no matter what color or race.
    We should be more like them, the children. Life would have been so much easier.
    Reading what Mellissa and you two go through as adoptive parents with a different colored child, is horrific. It’s sad and heart breaking and my heart goes out to you all.

    July 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm
  • Reply Melinda

    A child should never be made to pay for the sins of a parent….
    We are looking seriously at adoption and will take any soul that comes our way…if you don’t like, I will show you the nearest open door….and you can close it behind you until you learn some manners…then you are welcome back it.

    July 16, 2012 at 9:50 am
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