This morning I was included in a Twitter convo about how Gareth Cliff had called adoptive parents “hero’s of our generation”.
It’s not the first time I’ve been confronted by comments like that. I’ve often been told that what we’re doing by adopting is honourable. But I really want to set the record straight.
I’m not offended by those comments, not in the least, and I know they come from a good place, I know they’re meant as compliments, I know that people think that adopting is honourable, I know that some people would think that we are hero’s for adopting, I know that some people think that we have some how saved our child or blessed her in some way by choosing to adopt her.
But I can’t wear any of those labels with comfort. That just don’t sit well with me, they make me uncomfortable and they make me feel like a fake and a phony and here’s why:
Our motivation for adopting was a purely selfish one. There was nothing selfelss about it. I wasn’t trying to be a hero, I was trying to save a child, I wasn’t trying to do anything honourable. I just wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to experience motherhood in whatever way I could.
Having a baby is an impossibility for me. It’s a door that has been closed and one that I never want to reopen. But I still longed to be a mother, adoption was our only option. It was a purely selfish choice that was made after much heartache, sadness and grieving.
Adoption was our obvious choice. But when we started the process, we hadn’t considered the implications of our birth mom or of our adopted child. We just wanted a child and would take it in anyway we could. It’s only with a deeper understanding of adoption and about the emotional ties in the adoption triad that our motivation became a little more “honourable” it is ultimately a purely selfish act on our part, born from my desperate desire to be a mother.
Don’t get me wrong, there are thousands of adoption hero’s out there. There are plenty of families created via adoption who are honourable and who are hero’s but we’re not one of them. Families created from horrible situations, from abuse, neglect and abandonment.
I know that no harm is meant by those comments and I truly am flattered that I’m included in such statements but can you understand why it’s a little uncomfortable for me?
We are not Ava’s salvation but she sure as hell is my salvation. We are not hero’s but her birth mother certainly is.
I’m not honourable, I’m not a hero, I’m just an infertile women who was desperate to be a mom.