Dear …

I have long harbored the secret hope that once you had transitioned to motherhood and experienced the first few very difficult week’s of motherhood, that you would soften the stance towards me that you chose to take and that perhaps, with time, in some way, we could rekindle the very special friendship we once shared. You were my very best BFF, I love/d you deeply and have missed you terribly in the past year. I see now that I was wrong.

Instead of softening your stance, I see you are still choosing to judge my handling of our fairly unique situation, one which, despite now being a mother, you still know nothing about.

Yes, I agree with you, nothing can ever prepare you for motherhood. That the transition, for anyone, regardless of how their baby comes to them, is a difficult one. What you have neglected to remember is my circumstance is very different for yours. And it is a circumstance which only those of us on the chosen path to adoption can know or understand. It was not your reality to even try and understand it. How could you? It’s beyond the realm of your reality, of your situation.

While early motherhood is the shock to anyone’s system, regardless of how they got there, most women, their partners, their families and their friends have 9 months to get used to the idea. Most couples have 9 months to fantasize and think about how it will be. Most couples have 9 months to pick names, plan, prepare and dream about what lies ahead. I had 6 days. I certainly acknowledge that the 9 months is not always easy or that I had it harder than some, I do know that what I experienced was very different. Period.

After your son was born, you were free to love him and bond with him and share him with the world. I did not have that luxury. My reality was very different to yours, my reality is a reality that you, quite clearly, cannot understand. I lived for 60 days with the overwhelming fear that at any time, my baby, who I loved instantly and deeply, could be taken from me. One phone call was all it would take for my world to come crashing down around me. I lived with the reality of losing my precious child in the first 60 days of her life. I lived with the reality of how should I, God forbid, receive that fateful phone call, I would rent a removal truck, pack up all her precious belongings to send with her, should we be forced to return her to her BBM. I lived with the reality of my planned suicide should that happen. I knew I could not lose her, I knew I loved her too much for that to happen, I knew that should that happen I’d have two choices:

  1. End my life
  2. Land up in a padded cell wrapped in a straight jacked

You did not have to contemplate those things so your experience of early motherhood was/is very different to mine.

I lived on tenterhooks after our 60 days ended, waiting for our adoption to be approved by the department of social services and for it to be declared in the high courts. Your reality is that from the time your child was born, he was yours and you were free to love him and bond with him from the instant her took his first breath.

My reality was very different to yours, whether you’d like to admit that or not. It saddens me that you even try to compare them. You need to compare apples with apples, not apples with oranges, which is exactly how extremely different our journey’s to motherhood were/are.

You speak of how you had to stop giving to others in order to take care of yourself first. It saddens me that you allow yourself that liberty but could not allow me the same. That you could not see that that was exactly what I was trying to do for myself and my new family, in the first few months after Ava’s birth.

The simple fact of the matter is that, it is not a requirement for you to understand where I was coming from. It was a requirement of you, as my friend, to give me the space to do what I needed to do to get through the difficult transition.

We are all different, we all cope with situations differently. There was a lot of other “stuff” going on that also lead to the demise of our friendship. “Stuff” I tried to show you was hurting me, I tried in numerous different ways to show you, but you had your own stuff to deal with. I wanted to let it all go, to pack our friendship away, in a little box, to be revisited one day, when the time was right. I had said to you at the time, that there were plenty of area’s where we both fell short, because of poor timing and our differing circumstances at the time, both of us dealing with difficult situations.

This is the very last time that I will be discussing this topic. I have moved on, it is water under the bridge, granted, very painful water, but water under the bridge, none the less and it’s time to move forward.

All the very best to you and your family.

Edited to add: *waves* to all the OPM ladies clicking through from the posting about FC Girls… I’m flattered you’re still so obsessed with me!