Innocence Lost

Yesterday I had a Spa day with Sam at Mangwanani African Day Spa, as always it was a total treat, a day spent drinking champagne, being massaged & pampered and talking – lots and lots of talking. At one point we were talking about how those of us that battle IF found out very early on in our pregnancies that we’re pregnant, way earlier than women who have not had fertility treatment. It got me thinking about my first pregnancy and how  very very different that experience was.

We’d been home from honeymoon for about a week when I woke up one day very dizzy and light headed, W took me off to the Dr and the first thing he asked me was if I was pregnant, we all had a laugh at that seen as we’d only been home from honeymoon for a week but our GP insisted that I do an HPT at his office. I was not surprised when the results were negative. He diagnosed me with a middle ear infection and sent me home. About a week later it suddenly dawned on me (see the innocence here?) that AF was late. I wasn’t too concerned, I mean I’d never been late before but I figured it was the stress of the wedding etc that had perhaps thrown my cycle off slightly. I left it. A few more days later and I started to worry slightly as AF was now more than a week late. W and I still had a discussion about what could possibly be wrong, we agreed that I’d wait a few more days and then make an appointment with my gynae, I was worried something serious was wrong as I’d never been late. We waited a few more days, me still slightly worried but at the same time convinced that AF was bound to start at any moment. Eventually I had to concende that something was very wrong as I was now two weeks late, W suggested that I do an HPT before contacting my Dr. I thought it was a total waste of time seen as the one I’d done at my GP a few weeks back had been negative and besides? Aside from going on honeymoon and doing what honeymooners do, we hadn’t actually tried so a pregnancy was the furthest thing on my mind. I bought the test, that in itself was different to today. Now during a treatment I sneak around Dischem loading my basket with 2 of each type of HPT they have there trying to hide my obsession under loads of other crap I don’t actually need, in the bottom of the basket, back in the innocent days, I simply strolled into the pharmacy, picked out ONE test, paid for it and walked out. When I got home, I quickly pee’d on it and carried it into the lounge, set it down on the coffee table and lit a cigarette. After a couple of seconds I looked down at it and started screaming at Walter – What is that? What the F***** is that? As a very strong, very bold second line formed on the test. I remember bursting into tears and crying my eyes out from the shock of it.

The following day my beta test confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and approximately 6 to 7 weeks along. We were SO excited we shared the news with the whole world. Three days later I woke up in a pool of blood, doubled over in pain and it was all over.

How very different from all my subsequent pregnancies and IF treatments where I”m paralyzed by all the what if’s? Overwhelmed by the desire to urinate on a plastic sticks and stare at them for hours willing a second line to appear and having it very rarely actually oblige. And never ever sharing the news with anyone else.

I wish I could go back to that time of innocence but instead I’ll prepare myself for my FET and the days of obsessing and staring at pee sticks!

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  • Reply Lea White

    You’ve certainly had to “grow up” in this journey, that’s the hardest part of any learning process I think.

    As always lots and lots of hugs, thoughts and prayers!!!!!

    August 31, 2009 at 8:01 am
  • Reply Hela

    There are many of us behind you as you ready yourself for your FET! We’re all right there with you hoping for those 2 lines and a sustained full term pregnancy!

    August 31, 2009 at 8:51 am
  • Reply sassy

    I cna totally relate. My first pregnancy was before all this mess, and I never thought about infertility, or losing it, and oh did it break my heart. One year later after nothing was happening, we checked to see why I wasn’t pregnant again. Oh, and my heart broke again, after hearing the diagnosis.

    I’m really thinking about you and hoping for your FET. May this cycle finally be the one for you.


    August 31, 2009 at 9:13 am
  • Reply Abs

    Ignorance is bliss and I’d give anything to go back to a time when I knew nothing about all this TTC stuff. Holding thumbs and toes for us both cycle buddy!

    August 31, 2009 at 9:18 am
  • Reply Amanda

    All I can hope for you guys is that this fet will be successful Sharon. I was thinking back to those times with E, it’s so hard.

    August 31, 2009 at 9:56 am
  • Reply Kristin

    I really miss that level of innocence too.

    August 31, 2009 at 1:37 pm
  • Reply Kirsty

    Oh Shaz! The discovery of your 1st pregnancy is so similar to mine! Coming back from honeymoon carrying some hidden extra baggage, discovering you’re late… a positive test! And then our journeys took completely different paths.
    Your happy ending is coming too sweetie! And I will be standing here with a glass of champers ready to celebrate with you x

    August 31, 2009 at 4:05 pm
  • Reply SCY

    Ignorance is bliss indeed. I hope & pray that your FET = healthy full term pregnancy!


    August 31, 2009 at 8:07 pm
  • Reply Cindy

    I want to keep it a secret forever…so fearful that in telling I am dooming myself to loss. I’ve learned, sadly, from every loss that I’ve read about.

    cheering you on all the way….may you not have to stare too long before you get a second line…and may you have the pleasure of peeing on sticks for many many months afterwards.

    Thinking of you.

    August 31, 2009 at 11:10 pm
  • Reply Sian

    A positive beta will NEVER feel the same as it did the first time. How terribly terribly sad!

    September 1, 2009 at 1:15 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    It’s so sad that IF takes away that innocence and that loss often robs us of the joy of early pregnancy. Wishing, hoping, and praying about your FET!

    September 2, 2009 at 7:09 am
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