Ok. So I’m back from THE MEETING. It wasn’t exactly how I hoped it would be. But it wasn’t a flat-out no either. They had some concerns and objections which I think I answered and dealt with. Like what about the rest of the staff and my answer to that was well, if they’re in a position to take a cut in salary then they should also have proposed this for themselves. I’m not asking for reduced office hours on the same salary. The meeting ended with me thanking them for their time and hearing me out as well as thanking them for their support over the past 5 years, because as luck would have it, or should I say my attempt unleashing my powers of persuasion on them, it just so happens that this past Saturday was my 5 year anniversary since joining the company. I did want to throw that in there so its fresh in their minds when they do discuss this. My MD is going away for a couple of days, so they have agreed to brain storm the idea and meet with me late next week to finalize a solution we can all manage with. So now, here’s the part where I need to know if I’m completely and utterly insane! I got in my car and I cried the whole way home! I am so overcome with guilt on an almost constant basis since Ava was born. I seem to be beating myself up over something all of the time. I always heard that it’s a mothers lot in life to feel guilty but this seems extreme? Or perhaps its normal? Some of you will know that I am assisting from home while on maternity leave, and everyday when I sit at my desk and work, I feel overwhelmed with guilt. I hate that I’m paying somebody else to care for her, when I walk into the lounge and see her lying in Loveness’s arms, holding onto Loveness’s finger while Loveness gives her a bottle, its like somebody stabs me in the heart. When I work in the study and she lies in her pram or in her baby gym, talking to herself and playing with her baby gym toys or when she lies in her doughnut or sits in her swing and watches CBeeBies while I work, I can die on the inside from the guilt. It is so overwhelming. I feel like I’m failing as a mother, that I’m not doing enough. Shit! Fuck! Here come the tears again……….. But I do try to remind myself that she’s only 4 months old and what else is a 4 month old going to do? It’s not like she can get up and walk around or read a book. I mean, all a 4 month old does is eat, poop, sleep with a bit of interaction in between. So why why why do I feel so overwrought with guilt? Why do I feel like I’m failing this precious child so dismally? I better get a grip on myself because we’re off to the baby clinic this afternoon for weigh in’s and 16 week vaccinations!