In June 2009, about 3 months before my fatal FET, which would also be my last round of fertility treatment, I went with a group of friends to see an Intuitive Healer. You can read about my experience here ( Intuitive Healer). I haven’t thought about that session in a very long time but I remembered something so utterly profound this weekend.
I have a friend in the ‘puter, who is right in the midst of trying to find her feet after the loss of her precious, long fought for baby girl, just a few days after her birth (please go show some love), who, spurred by a comment I had left on her blog, got into an emailed discussion with me on religion/spirituality and how that affects us when dealing with the trauma of IF and pregnancy and infant loss. I shared with her what I’d remembered the Intuitive Healer had told me during my session with her, about the spirits of my unborn children. I started thinking about my session with the Intuitive Healer and I remembered something so utterly profound! I really can’t believe I hadn’t remembered it till now.
I went with 2 friends so see the IH. Both of them had sessions before I had my session with her. Both of them had been told by her that they would have a child, one of them was even told the year her child would come. One of them is expecting her first child now and the other is not in the year yet when her child is predicted to come.
I, on the other hand, was not told any of that. I was not encouraged with the news that I’d have a child. What she asked me scared me at the time, because I didn’t understand it, but with hindsight, I understand it perfectly.
She asked me how I’d feel if I never “had a child of my own?” I was quite besides myself at the question, I was terrified she was seeing something I couldn’t or wouldn’t see or acknowledge. But this weekend, suddenly, I realized what she was asking me, or rather what she was telling me.
When she asked me that question, I think the “own” was referring to genetics. She wasn’t actually saying I’d never be a mother or I’d never have a child, she was letting me know that I was chosen for a different path, a path less travelled, a path more magical and more special than what even I had imagined.
I look at Ava today and I think back on 2009 and how God was in control of my journey and He was guiding my path, even when I thought He was being cruel to me, He was preparing me, He was guiding us and all along it was to bring us to the point of Ava’s adoption. My 4th fresh IVF cycle was failing at the exact time of Ava’s conception. My session with the IH was around the time that Ava’s BM was ending her relationship with Ava’s BF, there was already a spirit linked to mine and mine to hers, in an intricate way that would involve another women’s spirit being linked, all 3 of us forming a perfect triangle of love. My FET in the September, its subsequent BFP followed by my 7th miscarriage were all at the same time as our BM was discovering, with shock, that she was almost 7 months pregnant and making the painful decision to give Ava up for adoption and starting the counseling process with our SW.
Hindsight is an incredible thing. But one thing I know for sure, there was a far greater plan unfolding than even I could have imagined, the plan started showing itself to me, long before I even knew I was infertile, before I’d even met my husband I’d seen glimpses of it. Now I can look back at it all, so many years on, and see it was all unfolding, sometimes imperfectly and sometimes painfully, but always for the ultimate goal, always for the ultimate gift, always for the ultimate perfection that is Ava.