Yesterday, the realization that I’ll be doing another IVF hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m afraid. My last IVF was horrible, the ER extremely traumatic and I’m afraid to go through it again. My IVF’s did not end well either, the first one I started bleeding 4 days before my scheduled test day, my second IVF was cancelled due to no fertilization and my third IVF I started bleeding 5 days after embryo transfer. I’m so afraid of that emotional roller-coaster.

We did PGD with our first IVF so we knew it was boys, we named them, and nicknamed them Pimple & Dimple, I loved them, despite the fact they were just rather odd looking balls of cells. I had hopes, dreams and aspirations for them. I was devastated when we lost them, on some levels it felt like a miscarriage. I was so depressed and so sad that I struggled to get out of bed, it felt like I had a 10 ton weight pressing me down, like I couldn’t breathe.

When I got the call from the lab that my second IVF was cancelled because there was no fertilization, I was devastated, I cried so hard I could hardly speak the following day, how could that happen. How could I go through the days of scanning, the ER, all for nothing. The disappointment was crushing.

My third IVF was pure hell, I was put on an Immune Protocol, this made me extremely susceptible to bruising and bleeding. I looked like somebody has shot me with buck shot, my thighs and stomach were one mass of polka dots in varying shades of green, purple and blue. My body hurt, I was tired, I was emotionally and physically spent. I felt like a robot. Then 5 days after embryo transfer I started with the familiar spotting. When I contacted my clinic they told me it was impossible as it was far too early. The more I tried to explain to them that I’d stimmed longer on this cycle and that even through I was only on like CD24 of my IVF cycle, I was in fact on CD28 of my natural cycle and that this was my cycle over riding everything. I was right, they were wrong, the bleeding got heavier and heavier and by the time my test day arrived I was in the throws of a full blown period. I was devastated.

And now I’m voluntarily putting myself through that again. I’m terrified. I know I promised I was going to be more positive, and I’m really working hard at it, still hoping I’m going to get my miracle before all of this, but there’s a part of me that’s really afraid of coping through another negative IVF. You cannot imagine how painful a failed IVF is until you’ve experienced an IVF. It makes all other types of fertility treatment look like a walk in the park in comparison. I know I’m brave and strong and I know I can get through it, but that doesn’t make me any less fearful of having to go through it again. All the very high high’s and the very low low’s. The fear and the physical discomfort, the hope and the disappointment.