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Mama, Can You Grow A Baby In Your Tummy & Free From The Pain Of Infertility.

We knew when we decided to adopt that there would come a time when our children’s questions about adoption and family creation would start becoming more complicated and indeed difficult to answer. It’s one of the main reason’s why Walter and I believe in absolute honestly with our girls when it comes to their adoptions. We really just don’t want to give them any nasty surprises. They just know they are adopted.

But Ava is now at an age where she has more questions about why she didn’t grow in my tummy and on Thursday night she came right out and asked me why I can’t have a baby. She told me that a few of her friends at school and mom’s who had babies in their tummies and she wanted me to have a baby in my tummy too. I reminded her that my tummy doesn’t work like other mom’s tummies and so a baby can’t grow in their and she was floored! She even got a little tearful and begged me to put a baby in my tummy. She wanted to know why I couldn’t grow a baby in my tummy and I tried to explain to her as best I could in a way she could understand, that we are not always all made the same way and that God had made me differently and so I couldn’t grow baby’s in my tummy and that’s why her and Hannah had come from other mom’s tummies because I couldn’t grow them in my own tummy.

I saw her think about this for a little bit and then she accepted my answer and moved on.

There was no great revelation, it was all so matter of fact and uncomplicated and while I know she doesn’t yet fully grasp what it means to be adopted, the seed is planted and while it is simply a fact of life for her now, in time she will mature and grow to understand fully what it all means.

What was interesting from my perspective is that it didn’t hurt me like I thought it would. In fact there was no pang of pain when I had this matter of fact conversation with her. I really have moved so far past my infertility struggle that it no longer holds the power to hurt me. A few years ago, a conversation like this would have hurt like hell but it simply is what it is now and while I will forever be changed because of my experience of infertility, the power and the pain from it is gone. Totally totally gone.

It feels good to no longer weighed down by the pain of the past.


  • Cindy

    August 5, 2014 at 11:12 am

    I recently had to explain to my girls that I was going to a baby shower for a couple who already had their baby and that they baby wasn’t from the Mommys tummy. They could not grasp it at all. If I can ask, what was the reason that you gave Ava for why her birth Mom couldn’t keep her? Or haven’t you gotten there yet? After our little conversation, the girls keep checking with me that I am not going to leave them and that they will be with me forever – which means I should probably revisit the convo with better facts.

    That aside, I am so glad that you have your two precious girls in your life that have cured all the painful feelings that you used to have. xox

    • Sharon

      August 5, 2014 at 11:15 am

      We haven’t gotten that far yet and I don’t want to overload her with information either. I rather feed her bits of information as and when she asks, openly and honestly. Right now, she seems satisfied just knowing she never came out of my tummy, she hasn’t grasped the concept yet that this means that her birth mom chose to place her. I’ll cross that bridge when we get there. That will be a tough one though!

      • Nisey

        August 5, 2014 at 1:21 pm

        I’ve pretty much done the same thing with Jaden, he’s six already! He’s always known that my tummy is broken and I can’t grow a baby. He sometimes goes a year or more without asking anything and then he’ll ask about his ‘other mom’ – where she lives, can he visit her etc.

        I prefer not to bombard him with information but he knows the door is wide open.

        Interestingly he had a friend over a few weeks ago (girl also 6) and I overheard him telling her that my tummy was broken and he grew in another mom’s tummy. She of course being a girl came straight to me and asked me if it was true.

        I love that he has the information and is comfortable enough with it to share it with his peers, I feel like it gives him the power to deal with it on his own terms, because let’s face it kids can be really, really nasty sometimes!

  • Heather

    August 5, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Wow Sharon you handled that well. I think the pain of infertility becomes easier when you have a little one who gives you so much love.

  • Mash

    August 29, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    I will never forget watching “Up” with my four year old niece who was very shocked about the character (I think her name was Ellie) who could not have children. She asked me quite a lot of questions about that – why not? What’s wrong with her? She was visibly shaken by it, and became very quiet afterwards. She didn’t ask why I don’t have children, I think she seemed to be processing it more from her own perspective. At four years old, I think she was already thinking – what if I can’t have children? Her innate sense of the natural order of things had been deeply affected.


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