So I have the physical side of my FET preparation under control but the more I think about going into another cycle (this will be No.5 if I include my fresh & cancelled cycles and not counting the timed & IUI cycles) the more I realize I’m so out of the “zone”, I’m just not mentally prepared for this at all and I think I need to whip my subconscious/internal dialogue into shape as well. The mere thought of facing another IVF/FET and all that it entails,  is enough for me to feel my anxiety levels start to increase.

I’m officially AD free, have been for a week today, and so far I’m feeling just fine, of course, I’m not having to deal with anything as heart wrenching as a failed/cancelled cycle so time will tell how well I actually do cope.

I’ve been yoyo’ing on both sides of the fence with regards to going into this FET totally believing that it absolutely-will-with-all-the-certainty-I-can-muster-within-my-being, work and perhaps setting myself up for a crushing disappointment followed by months of depression and a looong emotional recovery as was my experience with my last failed IVF. Or going into this as realistically as possible, believing that sooner or later something will work, it just may not work on this specific FET.

I’m afraid of going into this round all gung-ho believing and then having to cope with the disappointment, I’m afraid of that additional pressure that will put on me and lets be honest – an IVF/FET is pressurized and stressful enough without all the other bull shit. I don’t need to have extra stuff to beat myself up over, I already do a pretty damn good job all by myself, without beating myself up over the fact that perhaps I never believed enough or wasn’t positive enough or any of the other reasons why we infertiles think that cycles fail because of something we did. I already have a world of self made blame sitting squarely on my shoulders without adding to it.

I guess the fear of setting myself up for a massive disappointment comes from my experience with my last IVF. I have SO many friends who fell pregnant with their first IVF’s at Vitalab and I so strongly believed the same would be true for me that it was completely astounding to me that it actually failed and I’m so afraid for believing so strongly again and having to face that massive disappointment all over again. My last IVF was so “perfect” that even my RE told me that if the Dr’s were betting men and they’d have to put money on who would receive a BFP out of ALL their patients having IVF with me, it would be us because we were “streets ahead of everyone else in tems of quality and quantity and prognosis, nobody could touch us”!

I suppose all of this is what makes IVF/FET’s so much harder than your other run of the mill fertility treatments because even when everything is perfect, when there are beautiful little embryo’s gently placed back in your womb it can just fail. Of course with my history, its not just the getting a BFP that’s stressful, the true terror will start there after when I try to live through each day without driving myself insane with my constant repeated mantra of “God please let this baby live! God please let this baby live! God please let this baby live”!

At the end of the day what will be will be and probably the best approach for me is to just go with the flow, if I have a super + day then great, but if I’m feeling a little – I guess that’s also ok, I just have to get through it somehow.

After all, I really want a baby……….