confusedI had my follow up appointment with my RE this am. The very appointment which was supposed to give me closure has wound up causing me even more confusion. So let me start off by saying I’m a very decisive person. I pretty much always know what I want and how to go about getting it. I always know what is the write course of action for me to take and I rarely deviate from that. But after this mornings appointment, I’m left feeling confused and not knowing which way to turn and I hate that!

So here’s the deal……

My clinic are currently working with a clinic overseas doing testing on what could potentially be ground breaking embryo/egg testing that is as yet not freely available. The gist of it… unlike PGD (Pre implantation Genetic Testing) which only tests 5 or 6 different chromosomes and can pick up a few Trisomey’s and that’s pretty much it. This new form of testing will be able to fully genetically diagnose the quality of the genetics of an egg, note I’m NOT talk egg quality but egg genetic quality. So far, what they’ve been doing is with the consent of patients, shipping off 3 day old fertilized eggs which have stopped developing or did not fertilize, for further analysis and apparently the results have been astounding… very very high percentage of these eggs are genetically abnormal. The findings also point to the fact that women in the age groups from 24 to 32 have the best genetically sound eggs.

Baring in mind that all of my miscarriages occur between 5 & 6 weeks and that I’ve been unable to naturally conceive since 34 years old, my RE feels that there is a strong indication that genetically there is a problem with my eggs. So, his suggestion, but of course, we can choose to forgo option one and move straight to option two or just ignore all the options are as follows:

Option 1:

Low dose stimulation, to produce 6-7 eggs followed by GIFT where all 6-7 eggs would be transferred allowing nature to naturally select the most genetically pure egg. This treatment would be backed up with Intralipids again, as well as Clexane. My RE feels that even though none of my blood tests point towards blood clotting disorders, because of advancements in science and continuous testing and changing, one does not actually know if in a year or two a new test will become available that could indicate a problem in this area, so he’d like to throw it into the mix as well. I won’t need Estraderm again(thank GOD, I could not face battling the rash again) and I probably won’t need Gestone again as its also become apparent that that is not making a difference to the outcome, something I’m quite pleased about, I’d rather not face those nasty butt shots again. My RE feels that if the issue is genetically abnormal eggs, that my risk for multiples is really low, hence the 6 or 7 eggs to be transferred and that we’d probably only get a singleton ( if anything at all). My initial objection is that 6 of my 7 pregnancies were achieved naturally, so if natural selection was ALL THAT, why then did we still land up with the same result. His response – because my body was performing natural selection from one egg, now we’re going to allow natural selection with 6-7 eggs thereby increasing the odds of nature selecting a genetically  normal egg.

Option 2:

IVF with Egg Donor and Clexane & Intralipids.

My RE feels we should go the GIFT route first and then try DE IVF. To be honest, I’m so confused, I don’t know what is the right route to take. I’m still not even convinced I want to continue on with treatment. Having said that, as excited as I am about the adoption option, I’m also realistic about the availability of Caucasian babies and feel that perhaps I should not write off the treatment option all together.  The worst part is that the two treatment options are based purely on speculation and nothing scientific and I hate that! Should we choose to go that route, we would be basing our decision purely on a trust of my RE’s more than 20 years experience and his gut feel, there are no other grounds on which to base that decision. I hate the fact that this has ignited a tiny spark of hope in me again. I want it extinguished, I want my life simplified. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what option to take. If we were to consider treatment again, and to be honest, I don’t see myself doing anything right now, but I am open to the possibility of trying again in 6 months or so, I don’t know which option to take. While I trust my RE’s judgment and understand the logic behind what he is suggesting, I’m terrified of GIFT with the same outcome. But I’m also afraid of the DE route. Its a massive financial outlay and at the end of it we could still be told to consider surrogacy. The whole uterus issue is still on the cards, my RE does not believe it is the issue here, but, we have to be realistic and face the fact that I could try GIFT and DE IVF and still land up being faced with the surrogacy choice.

I’m also confused about the treatment option because I want to get a life now, I want to start living life to the full and not have boundaries set by treatment but I’m also afraid of looking back in 10 years time and regretting the choices I made. Feeling like I didn’t try hard enough or that I did leave stones unturned. The truth of the matter is that at 37.5 time is running out for me, I can’t take a couple of years off, in a couple of years it will be over for me.

For now, Dr G has convinced me that the pill is the best option for me, I have a 6 month script for Yasmine and 6 months to wait on guidance from God and come to some kind of decision. Of course, we could also get selected via adoption during that period (PLEASE GOD) and then none of this will even matter.  The hardest part of me, being the Type A, super decisive person that I am, I hate standing at a crossroads and waiting for a decision, I like to have a plan, I like to know where I’m going and what’s going to happen and of course that is out of the question right now. I’m going to have to learn to be quiet with this and wait on God to provide His answer!