I think that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling. Completely mixed emotions. It still kind of a little surreal, perhaps it will start to sink in when I go for what will, God willing, be my fantastic second beta. For now, its all rather hard to believe.
I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m in denial. But the weirdest emotion of it all is guilt! And the guilt comes from a couple of places. Firstly because the outpouring of love and congratulations was more often than not followed with the sentiment of how deserving I was. And while I’m so appreciative of all the love and support and encouragement, I have to say that I hate that sentiment. I don’t believe that this has anything to do with being worthy or deserving. If it were, there are a large number of women in front of this line that are far more deserving than I am. And so I guess that sentiment of being deserving makes me feel decidedly undeserving and that leads to feelings of guilt.
The second area causing my feelings of guilt is this stupid thing that all of us going through infertility treatment do… cycle buddy syndrome! Whoever thought that having a cycle buddy was a good idea was just stupid stupid stupid! I mean all a cycle buddy can do is either make us feel like sh*t and sorry for ourselves because our treatment fails and we have left behind syndrome (and I know how crap-tastic that is having been on the negative end of the fertility stick for 7 odd years) or a cycle buddy can make us feel guilty because we get the positive and they get the negative. Its a unique experience for me, being on the positive end of the cycle buddy stick but definitely not helping my feelings of being undeserving and unworthy.
So for now, I’m working hard at pushing aside my feelings of guilt and trying to enjoy this moment because only God knows how long it may last. A very special and very wise friend of mine, Elize, told me yesterday that being happy or feeling guilty will not change how hard I will fall should things go horribly wrong further down the road. I’ve thought about this a lot and she’s so RIGHT!