You’d think that after 7 years I’d be over it, but I still get a twinge of hurt in my heart when I hear others pregnancy news. Granted its not nearly the searing-crush-my-heart kind of pain it used to be, but it still stings and I’ve really begun to accept that if, after 7 years, it still feels like that, then it probably always will right?
Its not envy or jealousy, its more like a type of pain, that brings tears to burn in the back of my eyes and an ache in my throat, and a tightening pain in my heart, thankfully after years of practise I’ve learned to control it, so I don’t land up bursting into tears in front of others, but I’m always so grateful when the announcements are done in such a manner that it doesn’t shine a glaring spotlight on me. U know what I’m referring to, one of those large, in a crowd, kind of announcements, where as the announcement is made, in that split second after everyone has begun expressing their congratulations, you feel an awkwardness in the room as people steel furtive glances your way to see how you’re coping. I hate those types of announcements, they make me feel awkward and embarrassed. I hate that other people feel like they need to play down their joy in my presence, don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful that they feel that way, but I do hate it as well. I’ve survived a number of those “guess what – we’re pregnant” shout outs in a room full of people and each time I felt mortified by others responses, by the “shame shaz” look of pity in their eyes as they spy me out the corner of their eye, as they steel little sad glances in my direction.
Yesterday, we received another pregnancy announcement, and I’m so secretly grateful to the daddy to be that his announcement came in the form of an email and I didn’t have to try and not notice the furtive glances in my direction. I love when people make their announcement like this, while it still causes that little sting of hurt/regret/wistfulness, at least I don’t feel like there’s a massive spotlight shining on my yearning in front of others!
So another pregnancy announcement survived, 7 years in and I’ve survived literally hundreds of these announcements, sooner or later its got to me by turn…….. right?????