More On The Mommy Club…

Firstly, thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on my original post about the “Mommy Club”. Your comments and some of the conversations and blog posts that spun off that original post really did give me some food for thought and I had a couple of a-ha moments.

The first one is that the Mommy Club really does exist. But it’s almost as if there are sub clubs with in the “club” and I think this is largely to due to the fact that as human beings we’re all judgmental by nature, everyone makes judgements,  in varying degree’s, whether they like to own it or not.

I like what Laura said in her post about this topic, I really agreed and found myself nodding, because like Laura, I make the same kind of judgements:

I am not going to say I don’t judge mothers because I do. I judge those mothers who don’t buckle their kids in. I judge those mothers who leave their children alone in hot cars. I judge mothers who hop from one man to the next and expose their children to this. I judge mothers who make irresponsible choices that ultimately affect and hurt their children.

The Mommy Club seems to have so many sub divisions and all of us, or at least I find, that I fit into a couple of them quite comfortably, I think that this is why about 90% of Mom’s don’t always feel part of the Mommy Club.

Here are just some of the sub clubs I have observed:

  • The older mommy club
  • The younger mommy club
  • The mother post infertility club
  • The single mommy club
  • The married mommy club
  • The single child mommy club
  • The sibling child mommy club
  • The multiples mommy club
  • The adoption mommy club
  • And so on and so on and so on.

We all fit in with certain elements of each “club” or at least I feel I do. I fit with the older mommies, the mommies post infertility and the mommy’s post adoption. To varying degree’s, we get each other, to varying degree’s, we understand each other.

So while the “mommy club” definitely does exist, it would seem that most mom’s don’t always feel that they fit in.

I think the one thing we all agree on is the one club no one wants to be apart of is the “smug mommy club”. This version of the club is the one that seems to make almost all mom’s feel left out at some point or another and plays into our insecurities about being good enough mom’s and doing right and our best by our children.

The smug mommy club take judgement to such extreme levels that every comment they make about how they choose to parent their child or how someone else chooses to parent their child, smacks of judgement. Just today I got to witness such a conversation that left me feeling less than a good mother because I hadn’t given natural birth, breast fed, co-slept or any of the other smug mommy requirements. The irony is not lost on me, it’s these same mommy’s who are the first to strongly deny that they judge other mothers and it’s these very mommy’s that make the rest of us feel like we’re not good enough or we don’t fit in.

Of course, the irony of what I have written in the paragraph above is not lost on me either, it smacks of judgement too now doesn’t it?

I don’t think this set up will change any time soon, I think the mommy club has been like this for centuries and will for centuries to come. The thing that I hate about it the most is that my infertility robbed me of feeling like a “real” woman and now these smug mommies make me feel like I’m not a “real” mom.

I think I’ll stick with Laura in the cool mommy’s club. Anything goes there, it doesn’t matter how old or young you are, how you gave birth or fed your baby. What matters is that we encourage each other, we know what its like to be vomited on, pee’d on, pooped on. We have carried each other through the days of desperate sleep deprivation.

So thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post, I’ve really started to see the mommy club in a whole new light and I’ve started to feel like I fit in a lot better with the cool mommy’s since knowing they often feel just as out of sorts, judged and left out as I do.

Cheers cool mommies!


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  • Reply Gwen

    Of course it’s perfectly normal to judge, and not necessarily a bad thing either. Parents who leave their children to bake in the car should be judged. I suppose we all need to exercise some humility and compassion when we judge though. Redi Tlhabi’s column in the Sunday Times today – – is a case in point.

    I think the smug mommy type judges not out of a sense of fairness but as a means to try and prove their worth as mothers, for reasons of insecurity or otherwise. It’s natural to compare one’s self as well as one’s children, and only human I suppose to be tempted to label another mother “pushy” if their child seems brighter or than yours, or “clinging” if they are SAHMs or “uncaring” if they are brilliant career women who rely on nannies to help raise their children. I suppose the trick is to have the self-awareness to recognise this kind of thought-pattern before it runs away with you.

    February 5, 2012 at 9:29 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      You’re right Gwen! I actually meant to include that in my posting and forgot, I do agree, even the “smug” mommy’s come across that way borne out of their own insecurities.
      But like Cat said, support is essential not critique!

      February 6, 2012 at 9:01 am
  • Reply Cat@jugglingactoflife

    Putting my hand up withnounand Laura in the cool mummy’s club. I also of course feel very much partbofmthemmultiples mommy club- a lot of support from those that knows your situation best. With the word being support not critique. And also the older mummy’s club .

    February 5, 2012 at 9:54 pm
  • Reply Melinda

    can i join the old/barren as all hell / adoption / trying to do the best I can because i don’t get any advice from ‘real’ moms because obviously I’m not a real mom. It seems the rite of passage to be a part of the REAL MOMMY club is one I will never be a part of 🙁

    February 6, 2012 at 2:04 pm
  • Reply Vanessa B

    I do enjoy the posts on your blog….one of the other subclubs – the Mommies who work fulltime club. To Melinda, I have three children, all have been adopted from wonderful BM’s and yet I still sometimes get the “you cant really relate, you haven’t actually carried the babies yourself”. Mostly these are simply unthinking women.

    February 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
  • Reply Pandora

    You forgot one that you belong to, the Honest Mommy’s club, because you tell it iike it is!

    February 7, 2012 at 8:20 pm
  • Reply Julia

    Love this.

    February 7, 2012 at 10:03 pm
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