I’ve had my most guilt ridden experience since becoming a mother in the past week. I’m still chewing on a chunk of guilt and I’m really starting to wonder if I’m going to be able to forgive myself. Perhaps when my daughters wounds have healed. Maybe then I’ll feel less guilty, maybe then I’ll be able to offer myself a little bit of kindness and let go of some of the guilt. I’ll tell you all about it but first… a question: (yes I am asking for opinions now)

When did your toddlers start showing signs that they were self-aware enough that you could start introducing a pottie? Because of the incident I’m referring to, Ava has become very self-aware and now when she needs to make number 2, she will start walking around saying: “Poo! Poo! Poo! Poo!”, then once she’s actually done the number 2, she runs over to me crying and tries to lead me in the direction of her room for a nappy change, if I don’t immediately oblige, she will start the “poo! poo!” rant all over again. So I’m thinking that perhaps we can start introducing a pottie? Just a nice slow introduction, I’m not actually expecting her to do anything just yet, but she can start getting used to the sight and idea of it.

So what led to this self-awareness you ask?

*hangs head in shame*

Right, so I told you all I’ve been sick, I’m now into my third week of being really sick. Was back at the Dr yesterday and have been put on my second set of antibiotics in 2 weeks, a stronger one that forms part of a 7 day course, and that if I’m still not better, I have to come in for another follow-up – and what he said next terrified me – because they will then need to run some tests to check for auto immune diseases & certain cancers like leukemia. I almost fainted at that!

Anyways, I started out two weeks ago with a sore throat that within a matter of 24 hours spread into my chest and within another 24 hours, I had lost my voice completely and begun wheezing. The first round of antibiotics finished and my chest was clear and my voice came back but I was still fairly snotty. Then on about Wednesday last week, I noticed I had completely lost my sense of smell & taste. I still can’t smell anything! Nothing! And it spiralled downwards from there into full-blown sinusitis – something I’ve never had in my life before, but the pain, oh the pain of the past week, I’m hoping I’ll never have it again!

So on Thursday, I came home from work (it was probably stupid, in hind sight, to have even gone back to work) and Loveness left for the day and I was alone with Ava. Thursday’s Walter has varsity, so I see to her by myself on Thursday evenings. I gave her the usual buffet supper, which she was happily wandering around munching on when suddenly out of the blue she started to cry. I did all the usual checks but could find nothing wrong, so thought nothing of it. A few minutes later and she was crying again and trying to sit on my lap. So a cuddle and a soft word and she was back to munching and wandering around. This went on and off for 30 minutes when all of a sudden she started screaming and became completely inconsolable! I tried to calm her down but nothing would work, so I thought perhaps she’s just really tired (she crossed another milestone a few weeks ago and now is only having one nap a day) so I took her to her bedroom to get her ready to bath – still with no clue as to what was going on, except for the fact that she didn’t want to wrap her legs around me like she usually does when I carry her, nor would she sit on her changing mat, she made her body stiff as a plank, but I still had no clue… until I removed her nappy. Oh the shame!

My poor baby had made one of those horrible, watery, acidic, burny, stinking (obviously I couldn’t smell it) teething poo’s and it had not just made her bottom a bit red, it had given her full on ugly nappy rash! Everything was agonizing for her. She wouldn’t let me clean it, kept crossing her legs over and crying, she cried when I put her in the bath and cried each time we had to change her nappy for 24 hours after the incident.

And so now my daughter has learned her mama is not perfect and that sometimes she needs to tell me when she wants to make a poo.

Oh the shame!