It’s the 1st March 2013. I’ve been an “expectant” Mom for two years this month. TWO YEARS! That’s as long as an elephant pregnancy. Twenty four months, 96 weeks, more than seven hundred days!

In March 2011 when we embarked on our journey to add to our family and provide a sibling for Ava, I would never have dreamed we’d wait so long. I knew a second placement would be more difficult, I didn’t expect to wait 3 weeks like we did with Ava, but never ever did I imagine that two years later, we’d still be waiting, hoping and praying. I never dreamed that our two year wait would be so filled with emotional up’s and down’s, of almost placements and disappointments, I never ever imagined that it would be this hard, that it would hurt this much.

The stakes are so much higher this time, this baby is not just about Walter and I, this baby is also about giving Ava something her heart so desperately desires and each time we think we’re close, only to have our hopes shattered, a little piece of me dies knowing that we may never be able to give Ava what she hopes and longs for, a baby sister or brother.

I’ll be 41 in 3 months, not exactly a spring chicken and at some point Walter and I will have to make the heart breaking decision to stop waiting and hoping, at some point we’re going to have to accept that perhaps it’s not meant to be and remove ourselves from the list.

I can’t even contemplate that right now, it’s just too painful.