I did an HPT yesterday and got all excited at the results! A big bright positive, I was so excited, I rushed out to show W! He was cautiously optimistic after viewing the test, I guess the part that convinced us both was how rapidly the result came up. So today’s W’s birthday and I thought I’d surprise him with another positive HPT. Ha! Murphy and his f*cked up laws had a good laugh in my face. I decided to do 2x HPT’s, different brands, one the same as yesterday and wouldn’t you just know it, it showed + again this morning. And then a Midstream brand which was a BFN! Of course this pushed paranoia into over drive, I’ve since then used another midstream HPT and again, the result is the same as this morning – BFN! 🙁

In the interim the Crinone has started to play havoc and all the additional hormones have left me feeling like cr*p. I guess the confusing HPT results are also not helping.

This morning I also figured out why I haven’t starting spotting as yet. With my previous IVF’s the IVF cycle ran longer than my natural cycle, so the early bleeding post ET always came at exactly on CD28/29 of my natural cycle. Today, I’m only on CD24, that’s why we haven’t noticed in ominous spotting as yet, but it will come.

I have this sinking feeling on the inside that this is over. Please please do not try and bull sh*t me into believing otherwise. With every pregnancy I’ve had in the past I’ve received consistently + HPT’s regardless of the brand by this stage of the game. I had a 5 day transfer, so the embryo’s should have hatched and attached before the weekend so in all likelihood I need to accept that they are dead.

One thing is for sure, this never gets easier to cope with. The worst part, its my wonderful husbands birthday today, he deserved a nice surprise but it doesn’t look like its meant to be. I can see how disappointed he is, but he’s trying hard to hold onto hope and believe that its still too early, I guess the sad part for me is that I know too much and I know its over.