I belong to an South African online infertility support community – Fertilicare. I’ve been using that forum since it was started just over 2 years ago and the only members were myself, Sam, Elize and Maritza. We were a whole support group of four and boy did we have fun. Over the years, the support group grew and grew and morphed into a support group for anyone and everyone walking the infertility journey, we have support rooms for those pursuing donor, adoption, surrogate, single women, gay couples, you name it. I have loved the forum, I’ve loved sharing my experience and knowledge with those just starting out and getting support during rounds of treatment.

But lately, the forum that I have gotten so much comfort from has been less comforting and far more painful for me. I have lost my spark/passion for this journey. I feel dried up, used up, finished and over it.  Going there now causes me more hurt than its worth. There are a lot of reasons for this. Its hard to watch as girls much younger than me and on this journey for far shorter than me, lap me and get pregnant and announce the births of their babies. Its hard to have a constant reminder of where I should be in my pregnancy, see again, how stupid cycle buddies really are? I had a cycle buddy during my FET. She was made anxious by my BFP as I tested before her and voiced her anxiety to me. How ironic that she’s the one carrying a healthy pregnancy and I have, well, I have nothing. It hurts to see those updates.

I don’t have the energy to respond to newbies questions anymore, I feel like I’ve been saying the sh*t for so long. I wish I could unlearn all the fertility sh*t I’ve learned over the past 7 and a half years. I wish it could be wiped from my memory, I wish I could forget.

And then yesterday it happened, call me crazy, call me a sadist, but somebody, who has been wonderfully supportive of me over the past year, posted her birth story and I read it. It hurt so much that I don’t even know how to describe the pain I felt. It sucked the breath out of me, it caused a pain in my heart, it wasn’t just some abstract pain, it was a deep, intense physical pain.  It caused the tears to well up in my eyes and it to finally realize, I no longer have a place within infertility support forums. I can’t go back there, it hurts me too much and I have nothing left to give, nothing left to offer. I’m obsolete. Finished. Done.

I will never fit in there again, I will never know what its like to see a heartbeat on a scan for the very first time, I will never feel a baby movie inside my womb, I will never know what morning sickness feels like, I will never know what all the aches and pains of pregnancy are, I will never feel a contraction, I will never know what giving birth feels like, I will never see the look on my husbands face when he is handed his baby for the very first time. This realization is heartbreaking, crushing.

During my transition I need to do whatever I can to protect my very fragile, broken heart and one of the things I need to do for myself is avoid situations that hurt me. So, for now, at least, I will not be participating in any online support forum discussions as its just too painful for me right now.