No Wonder Infertility Is So Misunderstood

Its really no wonder infertility is so misunderstood by the fertile world out there. Its no wonder we infertiles get bombarded with statements like:

  1. Perhaps you’re not meant to have a child
  2. If you just relaxed
  3. I know somebody who adopted & then she fell pregnant
  4. If you stopped thinking about it
  5. Its better you had your miscarriage now and not later

I mean, really, we are a very much misunderstood bunch. The world at large does not understand what we go through, attempts to try and understand are usually made by individuals with two kids hanging off his/her ankles so it comes across as insincere or so glossed over that these attempts never really get to grips with the true emotion and the true pain of infertility.

I’ve seen way too many movies/TV shows of late that depict a couple battling infertility who breezily decide to give up trying for a baby without too much effort or lost sleep, very little pain and no hand wringing anguish. I’ve watched movies & read books that depict the grieving process of a miscarriage as a few tears shed and then life happily carrying on with always the pot of gold being found at the end of the rainbow. Even Christian movies offer little comfort in this area, I’d have to say, the one Christian movie I watched covering this area I found down right insulting. I found my mother in laws insistence that I watch it because it would be so helpful even more insulting.

I hate that so many people who lead lives in the public eye, who have the ability to change the misconceptions out there about infertility keep quiet about it.

All the celebrities quietly battling infertility, all the TV  shows breezily skimming over the true emotions about infertility, all the movies that lightly cover injections and treatments and IVF’s like they’re nothing, like they’re so easy to cope with.

No wonder we’re so misunderstood. No wonder the world looks at us and cannot understand our pain, cannot imagine our feels of loss & isolation. No wonder so many don’t understand the ache I carry in my heart daily for the babies I’ve lost, the great sense of disappointment every month when Aunt Flo arrives.

And then to add insult to injury I have to watch some stupid TV ad from a Medical Aid on how starting a family is a liability for some so birth control is covered under their risk portfolio. Gee thanks MA! What about those of us paying you thousands every month, desperate for a baby but having to fork out of our own pockets for treatment for our disease?

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  • Reply Lea White

    Which medical aid? Just curious – worked for Discovery Health when we were still in SA, not the claims dept of anything like that, but more an IT focused team.

    Anyway, just wanted to say that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

    July 14, 2009 at 10:30 am
  • Reply WiseGuy

    All these celebrities belting out nothing but twins…and making out as if twins are natural in their bloodlines, are misleading too….

    Celebrities back Cancer, Spinal Cord Injuries, Special Skills children and AIDS….nobody wants to be associated with IF explicitly…

    July 14, 2009 at 11:28 am
  • Reply Pamela Tsigdinos

    I hear you, sister, and I know exactly what you mean…there are few things more maddening than feeling misunderstood!

    July 14, 2009 at 2:41 pm
  • Reply autoimmunelife

    Which movie was it that you watched which was insulting? I ask because I grew up as a Christian, though I am closer to Agnostic now, but I watched one that came out about 4 or 5 years ago now that I found to be incredibly insulting due to the fact that after much prayer the couple suddenly found themselves pregnant. It wasn’t a movie just about infertility, but it was one of the subplots… and… I just … ugh!
    J –

    July 14, 2009 at 2:47 pm
  • Reply Caragh

    I am not infertile that I know of.
    However, I managed to fall into the infertile blogging community.
    The women and men are so amazingly friendly and kind.
    They always have and always will be.
    Some don’t encourage, or offer their friendship in return. But I as a fertile.. Offer my good wishes to them.

    I think like anything though people are ignorant of things they don’t understand. Weither that be someones race, relgion, sexual orientation.

    It takes a situation where your mind is opened to the situation and experiences others will share with you.
    I have a friend who I never knew struggled with infertility.
    He always spoke so well of his young son and I asked him why he didnt have anymore children.
    He shared with me the 7 IVF’s they did. I told me the exact nature of the problem, knowing it free flowingly off the top of his tongue even though they stopped treatment years ago. I heard of there miscarriages, and the heartache when they finally stopped concieving after losing twins very late into the pregnancy.

    As I sat there and listen to him. Hearing his heart break.
    I began to feel empathy.. And thats all I can feel.

    I would never tell someone to “just adopt” or “just relax”
    Because those words to me.. have been sad.. In a differnt form though.
    When my mother died everyone sort of said “well move on now.. she was sick. start your life again”

    Sadly it doesn’t work like that.
    I think the ONLY thing that will help people understand is education. You are SO correct in that the media sugar coat infertility like it is just something that can be fixed.
    People use surrogates and dont even really acknowledge the fact or anything.

    I feel for you and all the stupid comments that you have to endure.
    My good thoughts are always with you.

    July 14, 2009 at 3:56 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    It is maddening that so few people understand and even fewer celebs are willing to admit what they are going through.

    July 14, 2009 at 5:39 pm
  • Reply Kirsty

    I try my hardest to understand. I have had friends and family weep on my shoulder, I have seen the sadness in their eyes after another failure… and then the deadness in their eyes as the years pass by and their arms are still empty.
    I TRY to understand, but sometimes I may say something stupid, or something insensitive. If I ever do it in front of you, feel free to slap me! YES – we are ignorant, some more than others. And sometimes the non-ignorant ones may fall off the wagon with a careless remark. It’s not that we mean it, or wanted to say it. It was not intentional. x

    July 14, 2009 at 7:36 pm
  • Reply Misty

    Diddo to that, sister!

    July 14, 2009 at 8:03 pm
  • Reply samcy

    Hear hear!


    July 14, 2009 at 9:34 pm
  • Reply Adel

    This is so true Shaz!

    Great post, thank you.

    July 15, 2009 at 8:11 am
  • Reply skrambled

    I so hear you!

    July 15, 2009 at 12:20 pm
  • Reply stacey

    Yep!! I agree with every word of this post. So true, my friend. And so very frustrating.

    It also bothers me that a book or movie can’t seem to have any sort of happy ending that doesn’t involve a baby. Don’t get me wrong, that’s the happy ending I want too, but life just doesn’t always go that way!

    July 16, 2009 at 8:06 am
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