When I had my last miscarriage – shockingly, almost 3 years ago now – I went through something equally crushing. I learned the devastation of having my best friends turn their backs on me and walk and ignore my excruciating pain. For a very long time I festered and thought and analyzed and talked and obsessed about what was done to me. About what I could have done differently, about what I’d say to those two women if I was ever given the chance.
When one of them emailed me about a year after all was said and done, with an apology, I even posted about it on an Infertility Support Forum this is was I posted, this will give you some insight into what I’m referring to:
Girls, I’m so sorry, I’m monopolizing the forum today, but I need help, something I’ve dreamed about for a year and a half has just happened and I’m so shocked and sad all over again…………
Let me start at the beginning! Sorry for those of you who have heard this story a thousand times, but please understand, the reason I always mention it is because I’ve never made peace with it, its something that still haunts and hurts me. Its something that still makes me cry when I allow myself to think about it, anyway, here goes:
In November 2006 my one BF (lets call her I)phoned to tell me she was pregnant, I was absolutely crushed! I phoned my other BF (we’ll call her A) to talk to her, have a sounding board, just somebody to share my raw emotion with.
Anyway, the following day A phones me to tell me she’s just found out she’s pregnant as well.
You can imagine, I thought I was going to loose my mind, I didn’t want to think what lay ahead, we are always all together, the three of us girls and our DH’s are all best buds as well, so I knew that hell was lying ahead of me. But I tried to prepare myself as best as possible.
The following week I got my 6th BFP! I was ecstatic!!! We all were, three BF’s, our due dates were for I 29 June, for A 6 July and for me 8 July. We were planning our maternity leaves together, how our babies were going to be BF’s, the works. They went for there 6wk scans and all was peachy, they described the heart beats everything, I was so excited to finally finally be a part of this to be able to participate was amazing! I went for my 6wk scan – no heartbeat, foetus the size of a 5wk pregnancy. The next day I miscarried. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I did not know how I was going to not only survive my own mc, but survive watching my BF’s have babies and know every single step of the way where I should have been, how big my baby should have been, when my baby should have been born.
I notified them via sms of my mc as I was too distraught to speak to anyone. Friend I IGNORED my sms, she never bothered to make any contact with me, other than to send an email one week later to say she was sorry to hear I’d had a bad scan!!!!!!! My baby is dead and you’re sorry about a bad scan???!!! This friend I being the very same friend who’s cat had been run over 3 months previously. This same friend who I’d rushed to her house, I’d cleaned the blood off the pavement, picked upt he cats dead body, disposedof it for her, went shopping for her and spent a weekend sleeping at her house with her to keep her company after the loss of her cat and she can’t even acknowledge the loss of my baby!!!!!!!!! I was so hurt, but little did I know that worse was still to come.
Two weeks after my mc, I was still bleeding, friend A phones me the one day to tell me and I quote “Sharon, the world does not revolve around you, get over yourself, my pregnancy is just as important and you’re putting a dampner on it”!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was stunned, I did not know what to say or how to react, I simply retreated into myself. They systematically shut me out after that. No longer were DH and I invited to join in on evenings out nothing. They just went dead quiet as if they no longer existed, as if our friendship had never been anything. This has haunted me for a year and a half, for a year and a half I have thought about this every single day of my life, I have cried too many tears to remember over this, the words still ring in my ears, the hurt still stings and burns every day of my life. I have fantasizedabout what I would say if I ever saw them again, if they ever made contact with me again. I have thought about this moment every single day for a year and a half. I’ve lain awake at night thinking about this and this is the email I received today:Quote:
I know you must be very surprised with this e-mail and possibly upset, but I want to assure you that this mail is not meant to upset you in any way.
This e-mail is also not intended to mend our past friendship.
I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I strongly feel that it isn’t right to leave things the way I did.
For the first time in my life I have a better understanding of what I think you might be going through. I can not begin to imagine how suffocating it must be to want to be a parent so badly, but not having that dream come true. And I now understand how something like that can be the source of so many different emotions, especially when your friends don’t really understand and babies are just popping out everywhere around you. The self doubts, disappointment, resentment, envy and pure heart ache.
I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most and I am sorry about so many things that was said and done. I do believe we both had a share in things that was said and done, and I have fully forgiven you and I have forgiven myself and I hope you have done the same.
I really mean everything in this mail from the bottom of my heart and I would never want to cause you one minute of unhappiness.
Sharon, we miss our frienship withyou guys immensely, but I know we are not good for each other. But I want you to know that I do think back on the good times we shared and I am grateful to have known you. You are both amazing people. I truly hope all your dreams come true and wish you only the best.
And now I dont’ know what to do or what to say??????????? But I feel like I’m going to be overcome with grief and pain all over again. Please somebody tell me what to do or say because I don’t know how to do this.
Surprised is an understatement; stunned is probably a better word. Although I’m not really sure why, but I always suspected this day would come. Your email has been like having a plaster ripped off a very painful oozing bleeding wound and has drudged up all the hurt, sadness, devastation and disappointments of the passed year, I cried the whole way home from work today.
My initial reaction was to simply reply that I had forgiven you and moved on, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I have more to say than just that. Firstly because my initial response sounded harsh and secondly because I know I’m partly to blame for what happened because I never allowed anybody to see how truly raw my emotions over my infertility and countless miscarriages were and perhaps if I had done that my two best friends would have reacted with some level of compassion, but I couldn’t do that, I was afraid to bare my soul and let you and friend I see how deep my hurt ran.
I went through all of that with no best friend for comfort or support, with only my incredibly strong husband to carry me through, so I mean this with the greatest respect when I say this, but I don’t think you can have any understanding of what the passed 6 years have been like. The only people who can understand this are people who have experienced this and I would NEVER wish this on even my worst enemy. I live most women’s worst nightmare every day of my life. I live with the memory of lost babies, it has fundamentally changed who I am forever and ever. I can never go back and be the person I was 6 years ago, my heart and soul have been scarred for eternity. But its not all bad, there are many things I’m grateful for. My infertility has made me stronger, braver, kinder and more compassionate than I ever dreamed possible. I am proud of the person I am today.
But I do want to tell you this as well. What happened between you and friend I and I nearly killed me. It broke my spirit for a very long time. What you both did hurt me almost as much as loosing my babies There has not been a single day go by in the passed year where I have not thought about you and friend I and what happened. I have questioned time and again how this could happen, how when I needed my two best friends the most, they weren’t there for me. I don’t think you can ever imagine how much having you and friend I just cut me out hurt me.
But I have forgiven you both and moved on. What is done is done and in the passed.
I thank God everyday for my incredible husband and our truly strong marriage as I’m sure a lot of marriages would have crumbled under the strain of what we’ve been through in the passed few years. But instead we stand stronger together than ever before.
My greatest regret is that DH has lost his best friend in the process and I would give anything to change that for him.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to purge some hurt and emotion that I’ve kept inside for far too long! The sense of relief and freedom I feel after typing this email is immense, I feel like I’ve been set free from a very heavy burden that I’ve carried for too long.
Sending this email gave me a certain amount of closure, but really the best healer is time……..
So it was a total surprise when last week out of the blue, this ex-friend SMS’d me with Birthday wishes, kind of surprising when you think that 3 years have past, but what was even more surprising is my reaction to it. Nothing! Niks! Nada! I’m so pleased that this chapter of my life is over, that I’m free of this, that I’m no longer bound by the hurt & sadness of this poisonous friendship, of what is in the past.
Another hurdle over come, another door closing and perhaps a new one opening?