When we met with our SW last week for a chat and a catch up, I also got an opportunity to inquire about the well being of our BM. It had been sometime since we’d had any communication from her, in fact, the last communication received was on father’s day when she sent an sms, via our SW, to wish him for fathers day.
I was surprised that we hadn’t heard from her on Ava’s birthday. I had expected a message from her and I had sent her a message, via our SW, letting her know how we were thinking of her that day. I hadn’t heard anything in return and at the time I took it as a sign that perhaps she was slowly finding her way back to her life and perhaps she was getting some closure on what I can only imagine must have been an incredibly painful year.
I wasn’t expecting the feedback we got from our SW. And I’m not really sure why I was so surprised by the feedback we have received. But I was, I still am, I cannot imagine it, I don’t know how she’s doing it, I don’t know where she has found the courage or the strength, but our BM has not requested to view any photo’s of Ava or to receive any of the updates that I have diligently been sending, every month, for the last 4 – 6 months!
I have such conflicted feelings about this and I’m confused by why I feel this way. This is an answer to prayer, it is what I’d hoped and prayed for for her. That she’d somehow, someway, someday, find the courage and the strength to move on with her life. To move forward and find happiness and not be held back by chains of sadness over the child she’d given up.
She has let go of us, but somehow, I am still clinging to her, to the gift she gave us, to her totally unselfish act of love that she gave her child. I think I will always cling to the memory of her. But she has let go of us and now it is time for me to let go of her…