Infertility, recurrent miscarriage, IVF! All of these things have been apart of my life for so long that changing gears and removing them from my life is proving to be a very difficult task. I don’t know who I am anymore without those things. Life without treatment is daunting to face. This is a huge decision, only those that have been forced to make it can truly imagine the magnitude. Its a bit deal, its something I’m going to have to work very very hard at.
Who am I without it? I don’t know! I have to figure that out. Identify who the new me is and get comfortable with her, find my new normal and start living it. Its a very odd place to be. To be sure, I have peace over my decision to stop treatment. I feel completely calm about it. The thought of trying again, of another IVF, of another pregnancy fills me with such dread and anxiety. Having said that, watching from the sidelines while my friends still continue to cycle is extremely difficult. I feel so dried up/used up/tired/spent that I feel I have nothing left to offer my friends in terms of support. Listening to talk of treatment is difficult, I have no words of comfort or encouragement and I feel guilty for that because these are the same friends that were cheering me all along the way, I hope my friends will forgive me for this.
I had a long discussion about this exact topic with my friend, my very wise friend, my friend who has also quit the treatment roller coaster and is CTT. She gave me some encouragement, told me she’d felt the same way when they first decided to stop with treatment. She hit the nail on the head when she said that for a while I will be a complete non entity to every one who knows me, that I wouldn’t be able to offer support, that it was difficult to say hopeful things when I had so little hope myself. And I guess that’s true. How else do you cope when all hope is gone? And my hope for treatment success is gone. Finished, dried up and evaporated, disappeared and that may even be for good, its been replaced by a different kind of hope.
All I know is that one day, when I’m an old woman, I will look at the decade of my life that was spent pursuing motherhood and I will be sad. I have spent the best part of a decade hurting, being sad, hoping and having my hopes dashed. Its not what I wanted my 30’s to be.
So now I need to find my new normal, I need to find my new me. Who am I? What is my life about post TTC? Who are W & I post TTC? As individuals and as a couple? What does our future hold? What are our hopes and dreams? What do we hope to achieve? Where do we hope to be in 10 years time? I don’t know the answer to these questions. But I guess now is the time to start exploring these questions and trying to find the answers.
Its time for reinvention.