Ava is 10 months old today! And slowly, with the passing of each day, the reality of our situation sinks in further and further and with it a deeper understanding of where we came from, of how we got here and of where we’re going.
Going from childless and mourning my 7th miscarriage, to being a mother, in under 3 weeks was one hell of a transformation. It was such a whirl wind experience that when the dust started settling, I found myself dumb founded and at a complete loss for words. I could not believe the situation I found myself in and I could not find the words to verbalize what was happening or what I was feeling.
I used my blog as a place to verbalize my totally mixed up and confused emotions. I used my blog to try to find an understanding of where I found myself, of how this all happened. If I go back and read my blog postings from January and February this year, there are a number of postings that are glaringly obvious in jut how confused I was by the position I found myself in.
There were a couple of things I was sure of, but I did not have the worlds to adequately verbalize what I was thinking and feeling.
One of the statements I made, that got a few people hot under the collar, and one person in particular, very pissed off, was this statement I made:
I am infertile because of destiny. I am infertile because of fate. I am infertile because God, the universe, whatever you’d like to believe or call it, I like to think its God, always intended for me to be my little darlings mother. I was not made infertile for any other reason, other than waiting for the time to be right for this beautiful child to enter the world and be ours.This is how it was always meant to be. It’s why none of the Dr’s could ever find a reason for our infertility, there was only one reason and it was not medical, it was based on fate, on destiny, on God’s plan for W to be a father to this amazing child and for me to be a mother to her.
Some people perceived this statement to be extremely arrogant. Someone even went so far as to write a blog posting about it. She had completely twisted what I had said and many had agreed with her. People felt I was cruel for thinking that it was God’s plan that our birth mom suffer the consequences of giving up her child, in order that we became parents.
At the time, I was too overwhelmed and too confused to even respond. I didn’t have the answers, or rather, I didn’t have the worlds to verbalize what I understood and knew in my heart to be true. But with the passing of time and settling into our new roles, I have started to understand more and more our situation.
How many of you believe our babies choose us? Before they are even born, before they are even conceived, while they are still some abstract form of energy, somewhere out there, they choose us. I know a lot of people believe that, I know I believe it. I believe our children choose us and not us them.
So with that belief in mind, I can state that Ava was always meant to be our child. From before the dawn of time, from before she was conceived, she had chosen Walter and I to be her parents. What I don’t know is why she came to us on such an alternative path, I don’t know why I had to have 7 miscarriages. I don’t know why, we had to go through everything we had to go through. I don’t know why our birth mom’s destiny was ultimately linked with ours. I don’t know why she was chosen for such a heavy burden of giving up a child for adoption.
Everyday I am learning more, gaining a deeper understanding of where we’ve come from and of where we’re going. I also, with each passing day, have more questions, that will hopefully be answered one day.
But what I do know for sure, right now, in this moment, in this place in my life, while we celebrate the 10 month birthday of our daughter. I do know that I was always meant to be Ava’s mother. That Walter was always meant to be Ava’s father. I don’t believe that makes me arrogant and I don’t know why she came to us on such an alternative path, but the point is she did.
And while I’m sure her birth mom lives with these consequences every second of every day, so to, do we live with the consequences of our life’s journey.