Searching For The Words

Ava is 10 months old today! And slowly, with the passing of each day, the reality of our situation sinks in further and further and with it a deeper understanding of where we came from, of how we got here and of where we’re going.

Going from childless and mourning my 7th miscarriage, to being a mother, in under 3 weeks was one hell of a transformation.  It was such a whirl wind experience that when the dust started settling, I found myself dumb founded and at a complete loss for words. I could not believe the situation I found myself in and I could not find the words to verbalize what was happening or what I was feeling.

I used my blog as a place to verbalize my totally mixed up and confused emotions. I used my blog to try to find an understanding of where I found myself, of how this all happened. If I go back and read my blog postings from January and February this year, there are a number of postings that are glaringly obvious in jut how confused I was by the position I found myself in.

There were a couple of things I was sure of, but I did not have the worlds to adequately verbalize what I was thinking and feeling.

One of the statements I made, that got a few people hot under the collar, and one person in particular, very pissed off, was this statement I made:

I am infertile because of destiny. I am infertile because of fate. I am infertile because God, the universe, whatever you’d like to believe or call it, I like to think its God, always intended for me to be my little darlings mother. I was not made infertile for any other reason, other than waiting for the time to be right for this beautiful child to enter the world and be ours.This is how it was always meant to be. It’s why none of the Dr’s could ever find a reason for our infertility, there was only one reason and it was not medical, it was based on fate, on destiny, on God’s plan for W to be a father to this amazing child and for me to be a mother to her.

Some people perceived this statement to be extremely arrogant. Someone even went so far as to write a blog posting about it. She had completely twisted what I had said and many had agreed with her. People felt I was cruel for thinking that it was God’s plan that our birth mom suffer the consequences of giving up her child, in order that we became parents.

At the time, I was too overwhelmed and too confused to even respond. I didn’t have the answers, or rather, I didn’t have the worlds to verbalize what I understood and knew in my heart to be true. But with the passing of time and settling into our new roles, I have started to understand more and more our situation.

How many of you believe our babies choose us? Before they are even born, before they are even conceived, while they are still some abstract form of energy, somewhere out there, they choose us. I know a lot of people believe that, I know I believe it. I believe our children choose us and not us them.

So with that belief in mind, I can state that Ava was always meant to be our child. From before the dawn of time, from before she was conceived, she had chosen Walter and I to be her parents. What I don’t know is why she came to us on such an alternative path, I don’t know why I had to have 7 miscarriages. I don’t know why, we had to go through everything we had to go through. I don’t know why our birth mom’s destiny was ultimately linked with ours. I don’t know why she was chosen for such a heavy burden of giving up a child for adoption.

Everyday I am learning more, gaining a deeper understanding of where we’ve come from and of where we’re going.  I also, with each passing day, have more questions, that will hopefully be answered one day.

But what I do know for sure, right now, in this moment, in this place in my life, while we celebrate the 10 month birthday of our daughter. I do know that I was always meant to be Ava’s mother. That Walter was always meant to be Ava’s father. I don’t believe that makes me arrogant and I don’t know why she came to us on such an alternative path, but the point is she did.

And while I’m sure her birth mom lives with these consequences every second of every day, so to, do we live with the consequences of our life’s journey.


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  • Reply mandybrophy

    Hi Sharon

    I am overwhelmed by reading your post because I can relate to it. We have been Blessed with the most amazing daughter through adoption and we have the same view with regard to how she came into our lives. We also believe that we were meant to be Hannah-Kate’s Mom and Dad. A friend of mine made the most amazing comment once. She said that Hannah-Kate’s soul was promised to us before she was even created. This is the most amazing way to explain this miracle. Hannah-Kate has just turned two and we are still in awe at this incredible gift God has willed.

    October 13, 2010 at 10:16 am
  • Reply zamom

    I’m not sure what I believe but in every good situation and happy ending I think of all the babies that are abandoned, abused horrendously, etc. and I just can’t believe that our loving God planned that for their lives or that in some sick twist of fate they “chose” those parents to do those unspeakable things to them. I am a firm believer in Romans 8 vs 28 which goes something like”And in all things God works for the good of those that love Him.” We live in a world filled with evil and so bad, evil, awful things will happen to us all (Christians and non-Christians alike) but for those that love God, he has promised that good will come out of it. When and what that good will be, we will never know. I believe that our infertility and suffering is purely because we live in a fallen world but that possibly Ava is the good that has come out of it for you. I’m not sure about her BM but her giving you the gift of Ava may also be good coming out of a bad situation for her.

    October 13, 2010 at 11:02 am
  • Reply tan32

    I know that T choose her Parents and they were always ment to be her parents.
    Why was I choosen to be T’s BM ? Im not sure but I know that there are lessons in life we all have to learn and I feel that Im still learning my lesson from our adoption.

    but I also agree with ZA MOM “I’m not sure about her BM but her giving you the gift of Ava may also be good coming out of a bad situation for her.” I know that T being adopted was the best coming out of awfull situation.

    Huge Hugs your BM is very lucky and blessed to have you and Walter in her life.

    October 13, 2010 at 11:39 am
  • Reply mrssee2

    My beliefs are possibly even more out there! I believe that we come back again and again until we have learned our lessons. I also tend to believe that we keep coming back to the same people – they are our destiny if you will. So to my mind Ava has known you before and the infertility is part of your (and my) learning curve.

    So I can go with your thought that you are chosen to be a parent. But how you deal with that responsibility is part of your lesson.

    My parents are Christians and freak out when I say things like this. But I guess we can each have the belief that makes us happy and comforted!

    October 13, 2010 at 12:25 pm
  • Reply Zeu

    Wow powerfull posting.. Really makes one think.
    I can relate to most comments, so my view is even more warped than all.

    Weird thing for me is that I believe each one of us has a destiny, but it remains our choice which path we are going to follow to get there, and how long it will take for us to learn the lessons on the way.
    So to me, destiny brought you, Walter and Ava together.

    October 13, 2010 at 1:57 pm
  • Reply ttcnot2easy

    I believe in everything you have said here 100%. I too believe that children choose their parents. And I’ve told many, many people that after our long slog to get here where we are right now, adoption feels right. It feels like something we should’ve done all along. Not that I regret anything we did before as it has taught us so much about ourselves – but this just fits. Feels so damn right!

    October 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm
  • Reply Mash

    I agree with you, I’ve known it since the day it all happened, this was written. And yes, sometimes bad things are written too. “We did not come to remain whole. We came to lose our leaves like the trees, the trees that are broken and start again, drawing up from the great roots.” -Robert Bly

    It would be so much easier if we could see what all the suffering was going to be in aid of. If someone had said to you at that 7th miscarriage, this is bringing you one step closer to your baby, it wouldn’t have devastated you so much! I wish someone could tell me right now, with all the drama in my life, it is going to be OK. At the end of this road is a happy marriage and a baby or two… but it seems that I have to go through this experience.

    October 13, 2010 at 4:06 pm
  • Reply tiina1977

    All of us are living the life we are supposed to live, that is what I truly believe. It is beautiful and so phenomenal that you have understood the path that has been chosen for you and what a great goal was there to achieve, even if you did not know that 12 months ago. You did not say in your post that the purpose of your infertility is the purpose of everyone’s infertility and there will be many people who are angry with your previous statement but only because the outcome of their struggles has not yet been revealed to them. Infertility is a task some of us are given and I do believe that there is a individual reason for all of us that go through it. You are a great inspiration for all of us infertiles and an encouraging example of how the purpose of our lives can be revealed to us in most unexpected ways.

    October 13, 2010 at 6:12 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    I believe we were meant to to be our baby’s parents. I believe that was God’s plan all along. But I also don’t understand why some children have to suffer so much. It breaks my heart every day.

    October 13, 2010 at 7:25 pm
  • Reply tanyakov

    I also believe that children choose their parents (though I think children born to abusive parents is something different). I often feel that our baby specifically came to teach us our unlearnt lessons, and so that he could learn his unlearnt lessons.

    Another great post…

    October 13, 2010 at 7:43 pm
  • Reply mozzie01

    I agree 100% (but agree with Tanja’s qualification above)…I took 18 months to fall pregnant with my two little angels because they took long to find me! I have always been destined to be their mommy!

    October 13, 2010 at 9:37 pm
  • Reply bratty37

    I believe, like Mrs See, that you keep coming back to learn your lesson…with the same people. I was told that our little Jada has been very interconnected with my B in previous lives…and waited for me to end up with my B before she reconnected with us. I 100% believe that these little souls choose us and wait for the right opportunity.
    And quite frankly, who knows if the above is true….but it is nice to think that your little one chose you…smile

    October 14, 2010 at 11:59 am
  • Reply talithasmom

    A verse in my bible says “before you were even formed in your mother’s womb i knew you, and destined you..” another one says “I alone knows the plans i have for you..” This then tells me that even before you an W met God already knew the IF journey that lied ahead of you. HE knew the journey that lied ahead of little Ava-Grace , HE knew the journey that lied ahead of her birth mom.. Therefore you are 100% correct in saying that Ava was always meant to be your child and we will never know why God chose to do it this way, we just grateful HE did.
    We are told that God’s thoughts are much higher than ours and so are HIS ways. hence that is why HE doesnt answer all these “why?” questions we always ask Him, bcos even if He were to give us an answer still we will not understand.. instead like a 3yr old we will keep on saying ok but why..(?)

    To me its enough to know that God is God, HE owes us no explanation.. and for as long as we live, there are things we will never get to know why they happened in a certain way.
    Whoever thought your statement was arrogant, shame what a pitty, i have no comment.

    From me and my babyT, we thank the Lord for all he has done for you and W, the journey you had to take, the pain you had to endure on the way and all the lessons you had to learn.. It was all a preparation of a rapid turn your lives were to take in a period of 3weeks.
    You are blessed my friend and let no one tell you otherwise. Your post touched me.

    {sorry its long, couldnt leave anything out 🙂 }

    October 14, 2010 at 12:45 pm
  • Reply tzipieastwest

    I sometimes feel so small in God’s/the Universe ways of processing things and yes I do believe things happen for a purpose, good and bad things alike.
    I also stongly feel, that we are free to give sense to the events that happen in our life.
    It is your right Sharon, to feel what you feel about Ava, and you are probably v. right about what you feel. Others can not, and should not, comment about the sense you give to the events of your life, when they are not asked to give their point of view. It is as if they would live your life instead of their own !
    I like the way you do look at your life and give it sense … someone else might not like it ! Some like sweet other like salt …

    October 14, 2010 at 12:56 pm
  • Reply jonivdw

    Hi Shaz! What a powerful and awesome post! I also wholeheartedly believe God and Adam chose us as his parents.. just as God & Ava chose you and W!


    October 15, 2010 at 12:50 pm
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