Second Thoughts/Thoughts On Seconds

We had our second assessment on the 25th March. There was some follow up paperwork/homework that was required, nothing major, a follow up health clearance, an additional page to add to our existing home study from the last adoption, detailing Ava’s adoption and our experience of that and a few new references and that’s about it. I promised to get it off to our SW within the week.

Guess how much of it I’ve completed?

Nothing! Niks! Nada! Zilch!

Clearly something is holding me back! Right?

I kinda know what it is, but I’m afraid to voice it. I’m afraid if I say it out loud I will either jinx our chances of a second baby or… even worse, I face the judgement of my community. A community that seems to be being rocked by a lot of badness of late. A community that has a lot of veteran’s finding themselves in difficult places emotionally.

So here’s the thing…

I want a second baby, really I do. But I also can’t face having a second baby! Does that make sense? Our motivation the second time around is completley different to what it was the first time. This second baby is all about extending our family, about giving Ava a sibling, there is none of the desperation in this process that there was the first time around. I’m no longer the sad, desperate, broken, depressed infertile I was the first time around. It’s so completley different.

I’m terrified of coping with a second baby. Aside from a few issues, Ava was really an easy baby, especially in the sleep and crying department. I mean, she dropped her 10pm feed within the first month. Slept through the night for the first time at 6 weeks and started sleeping through the night consistently from 12 weeks. She has never been a cry baby and aside from some colic issues which were sorted in the second week of her life and constipation and her trying to find her natural rhythm outside of the womb, she has been a cake walk in comparison to a lot of other babies. I’m afraid of how we will cope if we’re not that fortunate the second time around. I’m afraid of how my marriage will cope under the strains of a second baby.

For anyone who has experienced parenthood will know, it does place a strain on your marriage, it does change the dynamics of your relationship and for a while there, we were on pretty rocky ground. We still catch ourselves having stupid arguments over whose turn it is to change a poo bum for crying in a bucket. How will our marriage cope when there are two bums that need changing.

How will I cope? Given that I’ve been feeling like I’m failing miserably at my juggling act of late. How will I keep up the facade of having it all together when I have a toddler and a new born to cope with?

Of course, we may also not get selected a second time and then all of these fears would have been in vain. I’ve also spoken about this to a number of friends who have 2 or more children (not twins) and all of them have assured me that the way I’m feeling is normal, that my fears surrounding a second one are legitimate and quite normal.

I suppose it comes down to experience. You can never be prepared for how having a baby rocks your world and changes every aspect of your life, until you’ve had that baby. And I suppose it’s natural that that experience would make one some what nervous the second time around. Right?

So, we’re going to take that leap of faith. If its meant to be, it will be and we’re just going to close our eyes and go for it.

This weekend, I WILL finish the paperwork!!!

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  • Reply Nisey

    We’re in the same place only i didn’t get as far as the paperwork! Some days i feel that i owe it to jaden and others i just know that i couldn’t cope with 2.

    Obviously jaden has been very challenging and the thought of 2 challenging babies is enough to send me running for the hills!

    whatever you decide will eventually smooth itself out… good luck

    May 20, 2011 at 12:15 pm
  • Reply Christelle

    Although I cannot entirely understand how you feel…..I do know where you are coming from.

    I am terrified of having another baby. My reason….I’m afraid that Zani will feel abandoned. How, when at the moment I barely have time for her a night, will I have time for two? Surely one of them will suffer?

    I just don’t know how people cope!

    May 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    Just to reassure you – having my second child was the best decision I never made. You are a better parent the second time around, and that makes it easier than ever.

    May 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm
  • Reply darylfaure

    I hear you Sharon – although the chances of us having a second baby are slim to none, it terrifies me to think how I would cope with 2, especially after Dylan being such an angel child. I am just so tired at the end of the day now, that the thought of another one quite scares me. BUT – I know it is easier the second time round. You are much more confident and are in the rythm of nappies and sleeps etc. Trust that God knows what is best for you, and will give you what you need when the time is right.

    May 20, 2011 at 5:59 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    HUGS Shaz, what you are feeling really is completely normal. I remember nagging my dh to start trying for the second because I was terrified we’d battle to fall preggie…of course it happened in the first month and I was shell-shocked and left with a sort of ‘buyers remorse’ 😉

    We ended up with a 2yr, 2month gap and it has been perfect for us, our kids absolutely adore each other and get on so well. From the beginning it just somehow slotted into place and worked.

    I guess at the end of the day, if you are a christian you need to put your faith in God and trust that he has a plan for your life. It will all work out the way that it is meant to.

    Good luck!!!!


    May 21, 2011 at 9:24 am
  • Reply Mash

    I remember my best friend saying that she was terrified she wouldn’t have enough love in her heart for both because she loved the first child so much! But then she said when her second was born – it’s limitless, I love him just as much!

    I feel the same way you do about having the first child. All the more so because I have to take so many actions to get there. Having a child represents loss of control for me, over all kinds of aspects of my life. Of course it will be worth it, but I’m resisting a little.

    I have to keep reminding myself to let go and trust it will be OK.

    May 21, 2011 at 3:00 pm
  • Reply laurakim123

    I felt this way when I fell pregnant for the second time.

    We had no money, I had no time, my first was a very very difficult baby, my marriage was in trouble – it was VERY overwhelming!

    But then she arrived and it worked out 🙂 I survived. We survived!!!

    Trust me if you are going to do it – do it soon. A smaller gap is much better. I am now pregnant with my 3rd with a 7 year age gap and I am paralysed with fear of having a baby again.

    May 23, 2011 at 7:59 am
  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    I think this is a normal reaction. And I think you will survive. You and W have been through so much together and most importantly you seem to have addressed problems as they arrive. You will be ok….I know it.

    May 23, 2011 at 11:16 am
  • Reply To Love Bella

    People are already asking me about no 2 (grrrr!). And I keep changing my mind. YesNoYesNo. I miss the little stage – the teeny little baby. But I’m loving Isabella SO much right now. I feel almost as if I am ‘betraying’ her by thinking of another baby from time to time.
    Today it’s a NO. Maybe next week, it’ll be a YES. Albeit briefly!

    May 23, 2011 at 11:20 am
  • Reply bratty37

    You know what scares me…..What will I not be able to give Jada if I have another child? People are always telling me how I should have another because of Jada needs a sibling…

    May 23, 2011 at 1:00 pm
  • Reply antigone1022

    I understand these fears. When I was thinking of having my second baby, although not adopted….I was excited but once it became real I was scared. Scared I wouldn’t cope, scared 2 would be really difficult, scared my life was back to a kind of normal you don’t get with a newborn. I was also privately terrified it was impossible to love another child as much as I loved my first and I didn’t 100% want to share my love for her her. Once 2nd daughter arrived I realised actually you cope fantastically because you’re experienced and Oh its such fun to be an experienced mother of a newborn…really its fantastic and your capacity to love just doubles. I do understand your fears and they sound totally normal to me

    May 24, 2011 at 8:59 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    The fears that you have about possibly adding to your family are perfectly natural. I won’t lie Sharon – I found it really difficult to go from 1 child to 2. And my kids are 7 years apart so the dynamics were totally different because my now-tween could generally see to himself and was super helpful with his brother. What I will say is this:
    It will be an adjustment. Not just for Ava but for you and Walter as well. Your capacity to love doubles. Once you all get through your initial adjustment period it will be fine. Seriously. You can totally do it.
    All the best.

    May 25, 2011 at 9:09 pm
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