We had our second assessment on the 25th March. There was some follow up paperwork/homework that was required, nothing major, a follow up health clearance, an additional page to add to our existing home study from the last adoption, detailing Ava’s adoption and our experience of that and a few new references and that’s about it. I promised to get it off to our SW within the week.

Guess how much of it I’ve completed?

Nothing! Niks! Nada! Zilch!

Clearly something is holding me back! Right?

I kinda know what it is, but I’m afraid to voice it. I’m afraid if I say it out loud I will either jinx our chances of a second baby or… even worse, I face the judgement of my community. A community that seems to be being rocked by a lot of badness of late. A community that has a lot of veteran’s finding themselves in difficult places emotionally.

So here’s the thing…

I want a second baby, really I do. But I also can’t face having a second baby! Does that make sense? Our motivation the second time around is completley different to what it was the first time. This second baby is all about extending our family, about giving Ava a sibling, there is none of the desperation in this process that there was the first time around. I’m no longer the sad, desperate, broken, depressed infertile I was the first time around. It’s so completley different.

I’m terrified of coping with a second baby. Aside from a few issues, Ava was really an easy baby, especially in the sleep and crying department. I mean, she dropped her 10pm feed within the first month. Slept through the night for the first time at 6 weeks and started sleeping through the night consistently from 12 weeks. She has never been a cry baby and aside from some colic issues which were sorted in the second week of her life and constipation and her trying to find her natural rhythm outside of the womb, she has been a cake walk in comparison to a lot of other babies. I’m afraid of how we will cope if we’re not that fortunate the second time around. I’m afraid of how my marriage will cope under the strains of a second baby.

For anyone who has experienced parenthood will know, it does place a strain on your marriage, it does change the dynamics of your relationship and for a while there, we were on pretty rocky ground. We still catch ourselves having stupid arguments over whose turn it is to change a poo bum for crying in a bucket. How will our marriage cope when there are two bums that need changing.

How will I cope? Given that I’ve been feeling like I’m failing miserably at my juggling act of late. How will I keep up the facade of having it all together when I have a toddler and a new born to cope with?

Of course, we may also not get selected a second time and then all of these fears would have been in vain. I’ve also spoken about this to a number of friends who have 2 or more children (not twins) and all of them have assured me that the way I’m feeling is normal, that my fears surrounding a second one are legitimate and quite normal.

I suppose it comes down to experience. You can never be prepared for how having a baby rocks your world and changes every aspect of your life, until you’ve had that baby. And I suppose it’s natural that that experience would make one some what nervous the second time around. Right?

So, we’re going to take that leap of faith. If its meant to be, it will be and we’re just going to close our eyes and go for it.

This weekend, I WILL finish the paperwork!!!