Last week I shared how 2015 has been a very unkind year to me and how I was really struggling to cope.
Then Monday happened and…. well let’s just say…. the break I’d been fearing…. it happened. I’m not even sure how or what caused it, mostly an accumulation of months and months of unending pressure and stress and bad luck and my sanity literally snapped. I lost the plot… I went nuts, I had a complete break with reality. My mind switched off. And shit got way way to scary and real. And I almost did something that would have had far reaching and devastating consequences.
The result…. I’ve been taking a hiatus from everything and everyone. Pretty much from my life. It was that or get institutionalized. So on the advice of my doctor and the pleas of my husband, I unplugged from my life and took a break, a mental vacation if you will. I spent last week emotionally coming to terms with my little break down, visiting my doctor, where I was diagnosed with burnout and discovered that my depression was not being controlled by my meds, nor is my anxiety. That my body is in total shut down, unsurprisingly with a nicely timed bout of flu to go with my mental breakdown.
You guys, last Monday night…. it scared the crap out of me. I never imagined that a mental breakdown would feel so calm and controlled while my thoughts and actions were completely irrational and out of control.
I’ve spent the past week mentally reevaluating my life. What’s important and how to improve things for my mental well being because I simply cannot continue on this way, not if I want to live and thrive, not if I want to live my best life.
I go back to work tomorrow, I have to reemerge into the real world of a working Mom and I won’t lie, I’m already feeling anxious about it. And when I say anxious, I’m not talking about the type of anxious regular folk experience, I’m talking full blown anxiety of the medical variety. I’m armed with a plethora of new medications which include additional anti depressants and anti anxiety medications as well as a sleeping pill for the next couple of weeks. I haven’t been sleeping and have been running high on adrenaline and exhaustion for months now. My doctor reckons the sleeping pills will regulate my sleep patterns and if we can get me sleeping properly again, then my depression and anxiety will be more under control.
It’s been a scary and frankly, embarrassing time. I’ve really had to take stock and (wo)man up about changes that I need to make within my life to help me cope. I have to own the fact that up till now, my coping mechanisms were crap and not doing me any favors, drinking too much wine every night to unwind after the kids have gone to bed and to make myself suitably drowsy so I can fall asleep. Emotionally eating a bunch of crap is not helping my body cope either, it’s making my depression an anxiety worse.
Ironically, I’m not allowed to run for two weeks, I have one week still to go. Apparently running drains your adrenals and I’m already in adrenal shut down after months of living in fight or flight mode, my body just cannot produce adrenaline anymore and so I need to cut back on the running and switch to walking until that starts to normalize. It apparently also explains why I’m constantly dizzy and feeling flat all the time…. again, feeding right into my tendency towards depression.
So from tomorrow, shits going to change around here because we are full up on crazy. Because I deserve more, I deserve better, because my husband and my children deserve the very best me, not this pathetic, crying, shaking, mess that I’ve become. A shell of what I used to be.
As a side note, we went to the premier of The Little Prince today and this movie really hit home for me. I have become so wrapped up in adulting, in chasing the essential and forgetting the magical. In work and life and money and routines and pressure and just juggling a hundred balls and constantly dropping them for so long now that I’ve forgotten what’s important in life. I got so trapped in the rat race and what that means to us as adults that I forgot to just LIVE. Even in the moments when I thought I was living, I was stressing and worrying about the next deadline, the next task, my to do list, the never ending list of requirements that are placed on me (often by myself) at any given time. I’ve become so obsessed with being a great adult that I lost myself as a person.
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Somethings got to give, and after Monday, it’s sure as hell is not going to be my sanity. So come on a journey with me as I slowly and painstakingly pull myself back from the edge of insanity and one moment as a time, try to bring myself back to my best life. My best me.