This miscarriage seems to be hitting W hard. He had such real hope that this was it. Since we’d had the first confirmation and then the awesome second beta, he’d started planning and arranging and genuinely getting excited. Its probably the first time, aside from my first and second pregnancies when we were still naive enough to think that there weren’t any real issues. On Thursday morning, while I was nervously eating my breakfast before going in for the repeat beta, he told me I shouldn’t be nervous, that he really believed everything was going to be fine after the fabulous beta count on Tuesday. On Friday morning, while I was sitting with him, all puffy eyed and bloated from the crying, he looked at me and asked me if there was no way that the beta would go back up again and that everything would be ok? I cried so hard when I saw the hope in his eyes, the hope he is clinging to is completely crushing me. We are praying for completely different things him and I – he’s praying for a miracle, that somehow, someway my beta would have miraculously recovered when we retest on Saturday. I’m praying that the beta will continue to drop so I can get off this roller-coaster. At the end of the day, the ending is inevitable, my beta increasing will simply prolong the eventual outcome.
October 17, 2009 in Infertility
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