dynamite

I’m still battling with major anger issues. I’m beginning to wonder when it will pass. The physical symptoms of my grief & mourning the end of this journey seem to be easing. I’m sleeping better, have less aches and pains, my hives are clearing and I’m not battling with the digestive problems I had earlier. All of these are classic symptoms of grief.  But, damn I have a very short fuse at the moment which is not like me at all. And I’m wondering when this phase will pass.

I am incapable of keeping my anger in check at the moment and its awful. I’m pretty sure I’ve pissed quite a few people off. Let me explain, for those that know me IRL can vouch for this… I’m not good at hiding my emotions, if I’m angry or upset, you will know about because  I cannot hide it and its written all over my face. The problem currently is that I’m pretty much pissed off all of the time. The small things will make me fly off the deep end.

I’ve even made my boss nervous, he asked me to do something yesterday and I had such a crappy attitude that he backed down and got somebody else to do it. On Sunday I was unforgivably rude and short tempered to my in laws. I don’t have the best relationship with them at any given time, but sheesh, after my behaviour on Sunday they must wonder what W sees in me. I was grumpy and short tempered, I felt offended by what I perceived as their lack of appreciation for the effort I’d put into preparing them lunch, I felt sidelined when we tried to talk to them about our adoption plans and shared with them the news of my 7th miscarriage, it felt like they didn’t really appreciate what we’d been through and didn’t really show too much interest in our plans. They hurt me and in return I lashed out in every way possible. Every one irritates me, I’m super prickly and super sensitive. Even the people that are trying to help me irritate me. I’m very ashamed to own up to this.

And road rage.. oh boy… don’t even get me started on the road rage! My heart pounds and I get so angry and apparently everyone is a stupid f*cker.  A guy cut me off in the traffic two days ago, I wound down my window and at the top of my voice screeched at him that he was a total w.a.n.k.e.r. NICE!

I really hope that this phase passes soon, I really don’t like myself like this. I really don’t like the way I feel on the inside, the anger and frustration that’s just sitting, bubbling just below the surface. At the same time, I feel like given what we’ve been through, I should be cut a little bit of slack, be given a small break, just to feel what I need to feel and work through this the way I need to, having said that, cutting me some slack is one thing, allowing me to abuse you is another.

Perhaps I need to hang a punch bag in my garage, then every time something ignites my short fuse I can go in there and kick and punch the crap out of the bag instead of running my mouth off or pulling on my hair and grinding my teeth.