I share a similar story with many women out there, there are a lot of us who’ve had to experience some of the crappier stuff that infertility can throw your way.  I’m by no means saying that infertility of any kind is not crappy (as some people will want to accuse me of) but while infertility is defined as any couple who’ve battled to conceive for 12 months or longer, lets be honest, you do get varying degrees of infertility and yes I know it doesn’t change the yearning for a child, it does however mean, that whether you are want to admit it or not, some of us do have to struggle harder and go through more to get to our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. At the one end of the spectrum you’ll get couples who after 12 months of battling will conceive from their first or second rounds of Clomid.  Then you get the couples in the middle of the infertility spectrum, these are the ones that will conceive after a couple of rounds of IUI. Then you get those on the right of the spectrum, they may require one or two IVF’s to get to the pot of gold at the end of their rainbow. And then, you get the very far right of the spectrum, couples who’ve battled for many years, had many rounds of Clomid, many rounds of IUI, many rounds of IVF, perhaps a few rounds of donor sperm or donor eggs and then a few miscarriages or late term losses thrown in just for good measure, just to make sure you’re well and truly aware that you’re sitting way of on the right hand side of the infertility spectrum.

These women are the onesI identify with the most because this is the group I belong to as well. These women understand me and I understand them. So I was very sad this morning to hear about a fellow “Bitchy Barbie” friend who found out this am that her 4th IVF had failed. I’m crushed for her part. We share a similar history, she was also at that other crapstasic clinic where she was also misdiagnosed and pushed from pillar to post, the same old same old familiar story. I don’t want to give away the details because its not my story to share, but this woman’s heartbreak really touched me because our stories are so similar. What makes me even more sad is the heart wrenching email I received from her earlier, it scared me because it reminded me of where I was just a few months ago when my 4th IVF failed. When she spoke about not shedding a single tear, about feeling like stone on the inside, I shuddered remembering that that was how I felt. I remember feeling dead, I remember that nothing meant anything, that I didn’t care a damn about anything. It makes me really sad to see another one of “us” feeling the same way. It scares me, I’m fearful for her for what lies ahead. It was a massive battle to get myself back, to claw my way out of the deep, black pit and I hope my friend can do the same. I guess that’s what sisterhood is all about.

Speaking of sisterhood………..

Tonight is the second meeting of  The Divine Secrets of Sisterhood and I can’t wait. We’ve worked hard and gotten together a great donation for The Princess Project. I’m really proud of my “sisters” everyone is bringing dresses, shoes, bags, accessories and we have a representative from The Princess Project attending tonight’s meeting to collect everyones donations. Well done girls, I’m proud to call you my sisters!

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  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    What a beautiful post.

    I am very sorry for your friend. There are a number of times, when I read about a blogger or his/her history, and I think that my pain is sooooo very shallow as compared to them. There are depths, I have possibly never fathomed.

    One more think about pain is that it may not strike in its entirety in one go. It keeps on coming back to the shore….

    I will not make the mistake of judging you as hating everyone else, because that would be totally false and baseless.

    July 31, 2009 at 3:27 pm
  • Reply Abbey

    Your post brought tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart. Thank you.

    July 31, 2009 at 3:37 pm
  • Reply Rach

    I’m so sorry to read about your friend, a fellow sister who is having to deal with more crappy news on the If rollercoaster.

    I completely understand what you’re saying about being on the far right of the spectrum.

    While I HAVEN’T gone down the fertility drug or treatment route (for varioius reasons but mainly because getting pregnant doesn’t seem to be the issue for us, it’s STAYING pregnant and no amount of drugs or money (treatments) we throw at the situation could or would improve that), I do stand side by side with you on the long term thing.

    I think your friend is very lucky to have you to turn to in times like these, I hope that she does lean on you for support because I know you’ll hold her tightly.


    July 31, 2009 at 3:46 pm
  • Reply Gwen

    Newbie Barbie here (delurking), but I do get Bitchy Barbie’s point and I think all the furor was shameful – those responsible need to have a hard think about their behaviour and you dealt with them more graciously than I could have managed.

    Don’t forget though, that the difficulty of the journey can be measured in currency other than time and money.

    I think your strength, spirit and optimism are fantastic – maybe this is why some people underestimate your pain, but don’t let that hold you back.

    July 31, 2009 at 5:39 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    You are wonderful Shaz and I am so sorry your friend’s ivf failed.

    July 31, 2009 at 8:01 pm
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