Don’t let hope become a memory!
13 years ago today, I woke up in a pool of my own blood and later that morning, 13 years ago, my miscarriage would be confirmed. It was one of the most nightmarish days of my life. Little did I know that what would follow would be 7+ years of the same nightmare, repeated over and over again. I’d go on to have multiple surgeries to repair damage done to my reproductive organs during an emergency appendectomy when I was a little girl, I’d endure thousands of blood tests and injections, a hundred humiliating and invasive procedures, I’d field a thousand questions about our sex life, have a million injections, and 7 confirmed miscarriages & learn to inject myself and ultimately learn to live with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.
I was living my worst nightmare. It is the single biggest struggle I have faced in my life. It was to be the greatest test I’ve faced so far. It would test and tax me to my limits. At times it drove me to thoughts of suicide. At times the darkness was all consuming and I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light
And all day today I’ve been thinking about 13 years ago, the 13th anniversary of my first miscarriage, the dawn of my greatest struggle. And I wanted to write about it here but the words couldn’t come to me. I didn’t know how to express what I wanted to say.
The thing is, that old cliche is true, time is the greatest healer and while I never would have believed it while I was in the dark trenches of my infertility, with no light in the tunnel, I did emerge back into the light.
Then this evening, I was changing the duvet to our summer weight one in our bedroom and listening to my iPod while I pottered around my room and my new favorite song came on and it left me inspired….
A bit of an odd source, but Disturbed’s song In The Light speaks to my soul.
Please listen to it?
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An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn’t’ where you think you’d find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don’t be afraid to turn away
You’re the one who can redefine it
Don’t let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don’t let hope become a memory
And it really got me thinking about my infertility sisters… heck, it got me thinking about every single one of us who is facing the toughest challenges of our lives. Because NOBODY goes through life unscathed, unhurt or untouched. We ALL struggle. And struggle is relative, what I think is small and insignificant is huge to someone else.
So this is my impassioned plea…
When it’s so dark you can’t see the light, just keep moving forward. Hope was the only thing that kept me alive. Blind faith that everything would be ok in the end kept me moving forward, stumbling in the darkness, I eventually found my way into the light. And you can too.
Sometimes finding our light means looking deep within ourselves, perhaps changing direction or redefining what it is we think we want. I’ve learned that sometimes finding the light, doesn’t mean getting what we want, how we want it either. I’ve also learned that the answers I’m looking for start out as a whisper in my soul and get louder and louder the longer I tune into them.
It means never giving up. changing maybe but not giving up. And that is the single thing that kept me going during the darkest years of my life. I clung to the belief that everything would be ok in the end and if it wasn’t ok, it wasn’t the end.
I just really wanted to encourage everyone who may be struggling right now to keep trying because your effort will be worth it in the end. It was for me. It wasn’t the ending I anticipated, or imagined but it’s perfect none the less.
I’ve always believed that there was more to my infertility journey than the pain, that somehow my journey would mean something, touch someone … help someone… so if you’re out there and you’re reading this… be encouraged because for the longest time I was the barrrennest of the barren and I still got through it. And I have friends who walked the same journey as me and didn’t have the same result, but…. it was ok for them in the end too.
Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It’s not a blight, but a remedy,
A clear reminder of how it began
Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You wait and hoping it would call out again
You heard the shadow reckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked away
And lastly for my babies.. my Zoe, my James, my Jonathan, my Jessie and the others who were never named, know that you are always with me, I carry you with me for eternity, that there is not a second, of a minute of an hour of a day of a week of a month of year, that I don’t carry you with me, that I don’t think of you, you are ALWAYS with me, always in the peripherals of my subconscious… gone but never ever forgotten. I will love you forever… till we meet again!
13 years ago today, I woke up in a pool of blood & the course of my life would be forever changed. 13 years on & my struggle with infertility & recurrent pregnancy loss is a distant memory. I’m blessed with 2 amazing children & my life is richer & fuller for those years of pain, grief & struggle. While my heart has healed, I will never forget!