Someties darkness can show you the light – reflections on my greatest life struggle 13 years on…..

Don’t let hope become a memory!

13 years ago today, I woke up in a pool of my own blood and later that morning, 13 years ago, my miscarriage would be confirmed. It was one of the most nightmarish days of my life. Little did I know that what would follow would be 7+ years of the same nightmare, repeated over and over again. I’d go on to have multiple surgeries to repair damage done to my reproductive organs during an emergency appendectomy when I was a little girl, I’d endure thousands of blood tests and injections, a hundred humiliating and invasive procedures, I’d field a thousand questions about our sex life, have a million injections, and 7 confirmed miscarriages & learn to inject myself and ultimately learn to live with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.

I was living my worst nightmare. It is the single biggest struggle I have faced in my life. It was to be the greatest test I’ve faced so far. It would test and tax me to my limits. At times it drove me to thoughts of suicide. At times the darkness was all consuming and I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.

When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

And all day today I’ve been thinking about  13 years ago, the 13th anniversary of my first miscarriage, the dawn of my greatest struggle. And I wanted to write about it here but the words couldn’t come to me. I didn’t know how to express what I wanted to say.

The thing is, that old cliche is true, time is the greatest healer and while I never would have believed it while I was in the dark trenches of my infertility, with no light in the tunnel, I did emerge back into the light.

Then this evening, I was changing the duvet to our summer weight one in our bedroom and listening to my iPod while I pottered around my room and my new favorite song came on and it left me inspired….

A bit of an odd source, but Disturbed’s song In The Light speaks to my soul.

Please listen to it?

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An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn’t’ where you think you’d find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don’t be afraid to turn away
You’re the one who can redefine it
Don’t let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don’t let hope become a memory 

And it really got me thinking about my infertility sisters… heck, it got me thinking about every single one of us who is facing the toughest challenges of our lives. Because NOBODY goes through life unscathed, unhurt or untouched. We ALL struggle. And struggle is relative, what I think is small and insignificant is huge to someone else.

So this is my impassioned plea…

When it’s so dark you can’t see the light, just keep moving forward. Hope was the only thing that kept me alive. Blind faith that everything would be ok in the end kept me moving forward, stumbling in the darkness, I eventually found my way into the light. And you can too.

Sometimes finding our light means looking deep within ourselves, perhaps changing direction or redefining what it is we think we want. I’ve learned that sometimes finding the light, doesn’t mean getting what we want, how we want it either. I’ve also learned that the answers I’m looking for start out as a whisper in my soul and get louder and louder the longer I tune into them.

It means never giving up. changing maybe but not giving up. And that is the single thing that kept me going during the darkest years of my life. I clung to the belief that everything would be ok in the end and if it wasn’t ok, it wasn’t the end.

I just really wanted to encourage everyone who may be struggling right now to keep trying because your effort will be worth it in the end. It was for me. It wasn’t the ending I anticipated, or imagined but it’s perfect none the less.

I’ve always believed that there was more to my infertility journey than the pain, that somehow my journey would mean something, touch someone … help someone… so if you’re out there and you’re reading this… be encouraged because for the longest time I was the barrrennest of the barren and I still got through it. And I have friends who walked the same journey as me and didn’t have the same result, but…. it was ok for them in the end too.

Be encouraged.

Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It’s not a blight, but a remedy,
A clear reminder of how it began
Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You wait and hoping it would call out again
You heard the shadow reckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked away

And lastly for my babies.. my Zoe, my James, my Jonathan, my Jessie and the others who were never named, know that you are always with me, I carry you with me for eternity, that there is not a second, of a minute of an hour of a day of a week of a month of  year, that I don’t carry you with me, that I don’t think of you, you are ALWAYS with me, always in the peripherals of my subconscious… gone but never ever forgotten. I will love you forever… till we meet again!

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  • Reply Jess

    You are an inspiration to so many and your words brought me to tears and lifted my spirit. I have had the worst year ever, financialy, emotionally and mentally. I didnt think it could get worse but 6 weeks ago at my yearly check up and after a few tests to find out what was wrong the doctor informed me I will not be able to conceive again. Im 27, I didnt see myself with more kids but I also didnt see the option being taken away. I cant give brad his own child. I cant give Aiden a sibling. People say rely on a miracle. Right now I dont see the light but hearing your words always gives me hope.

    September 11, 2015 at 9:17 pm
  • Reply Wenchy

    Thank you. I needed encouragement today although my journey is very different.

    September 12, 2015 at 10:17 am
  • Reply Heather

    Sharon this is an amazing post. I really liked the song. It’s true that darkness can show you the light because I think after you’ve experienced darkness you appreciate the light so much more. I just find myself touching Nicky, just appreciating his existence so much because for the longest time I didn’t even know if he would come. I’m sorry for all your loss and I know those angels are looking down from heaven and you will meet up with them again.

    September 12, 2015 at 11:23 am
  • Reply Gaelyn Cokayne

    This made me cry. I am so sad for anyone who has to go through what you did. Even though your ending is a beautiful one, I can’t imagine the pain you suffered. It made me think of this poem, not sure if you know it already but felt the need to share it with you.

    “I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)I am never without it (anywhere
    I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
    I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
    and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

    here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
    higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”

    ― E.E. Cummings

    September 16, 2015 at 10:21 am
    • Reply Sharon

      Thanks Gae! The thing is, struggle is struggle and it’s relative to each of our situations. No one goes through life unscathed, we all struggle in the end. xxx

      September 16, 2015 at 10:55 am
  • Reply Laverne

    I am so glad we have crossed paths even just in cyber space. I may not always comment but I am usually reading your inspiring stories. And some days I come back to read it when I need to draw strength. it ALWAYS reminds me that the human spirit is indelible. Thank you for sharing with the world.

    September 20, 2015 at 10:43 pm
  • Reply Alet Swart

    Beautiful, powerful and profound! Thank you for the encouragement xx

    September 29, 2015 at 8:41 am
  • Reply September Roundup and Linky - South African Mom Blogs

    […] Sharon has an incredible post about remembering her pregnancy loss: Sometimes  Darkness Can Show You The Light: Reflections on My Greatest Life Struggle 13 Years On […]

    October 1, 2015 at 9:35 pm
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