Sometimes The Waiting Can Be So Hard!

*tick tock*

I’m going through a phase in the waiting game that is proving so hard. We had our top up assessment with our Social Worker in March last year and went officially back onto the waiting list in April last year, so in all we’ve been waiting about 9 – 10 months.

Up till recently the wait had been fairly easy but with each passing day it’s proving more and more difficult.

We’re about as ready as we’ll ever be. Ava is over 2 years old, which prior to my years of infertility I’d always felt was a “nice” age gap between siblings. Having one be at an age where they are able to feed themselves, express what it is that they need etc and then having a small baby. Obviously, on the path we’re traveling, one doesn’t really get to choose these things.

And then I always remind myself of something a friend once told me about having a baby. She likened the timing of a baby’s arrival to a scene from Lord of The Rings, when Gandolf the wizard arrives in town, one of the boys comings running up to him as he rides into town on his horse, exclaiming: “Gandolf, you’re late!” To which Gandolf replies: “My boy, a wizard is never early or late, he is always perfectly on time!”

I know this to be true from Ava’s placement. As much as I’d yearned, prayed, begged, pouted, sulked and pleaded for her. She arrived perfectly timed into our lives.

And I know I just need to be patient but it really does feel like now would be a pretty good time. We’ve sold our house and are moving in the next two months. The reason for the sale of our house is 2 fold. Firstly to have a bigger garden for Ava to play in and secondly to have an additional bedroom for the eminent (hopefully) arrival of our new addition.

Then there is the eternally superstitious infertile in me that looks for signs everywhere. I’ve been having terrible dead baby dreams lately, where I wake up with my face wet with tears and a heavy feeling of grief in my heart. Each time I’ve told someone about these dreams they remind me that dreams of  death are often symbolic of birth and I feel the little flame of hope flicker inside me.

I look for reassurance and clues from our SW’s often. I analyze everything that is said to me desperate to find a hint or a clue of what is to come. Over December our SW sent me a message saying that it was time for Ava to have a sibling. My heart skipped a beat and I’ve been clinging to that ever since.

In infertility circles, there is a thing called the “What the F*ck?” appointment. It’s basically a follow up appointment with your fertility specialist after an IVF has failed, where he runs through what went well, what didn’t go well, what protocols to change for the next attempt while you’re sitting there thinking WHAT THE F*CK?. Well, I have a similar telephonic appointment with my SW’s every second month. I call it the “where is my baby” phone call.

I always try to think of a reason to give them a call. I don’t want to come off as whiny so I make up some excuse to give them a call, mostly it’s for my own reassurance, to make sure they haven’t forgotten about us, to keep us in the forefront of their minds. Today I phoned to discuss whether or not we should update our adoption profile with newer photo’s of Ava in case BM’s are being put off by the fact that Ava looks very young in all the photo’s.  I also managed to try and subtly let them know that we are serious about this placement and have even sold our home and are moving in order to ensure that our new baby will have a room of his/her own.

The waiting to adopt is like the 2 week wait after an IVF, multiplied by a 1000 and then times-ed  by the months of waiting as apposed to the weeks. It is a serious test on my patience.

And there are times when I’m in such a heightened state of excitement for what could lie ahead. When I think back on Ava’s placement, I’m struck by what a miserable year had lead up to her birth. I had my 4th fresh IVF in March of that year, Ava was conceived right around the time that my IVF failed. I was so desperately miserable I wasn’t sure  I was going to make it. I had a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) in the October that resulted in a positive pregnancy and later a miscarriage and I was convinced the year would end on a massive low after yet another loss. All the while Ava was busy making her way to us and we didn’t even know.

Right now, there could be a child out there trying to find it’s way to us. And that fills me with hope!


    • Sharon

      January 31, 2012 at 3:52 pm

      No, couples without children are not given preference. That was one of the first questions I asked the SW’s when we had our second assessment. My understanding is that matching is done in groups, so a BM will be matched with a few profiles and ultimately she will choose her adoptive parents. Some birth mom’s prefer childless couples, others want their child to go into a family where they will have a sibling so they’ll be more inclined to choose a couple who already have a child. The magic really is that if a child is meant for you, it will be. Our SW shared with us a case they worked on where a BM was adamant she wanted her baby to go to a couple that had a child, but they put forward a few matching profiles and the BM landed up choosing a lesbian couple who didn’t have any children. It’s just the way it works out. Apparently, our BM knew were were the ones before she even read our profile, she told me she just saw the picture of of on the cover and knew we were the ones. So it’s really just a waiting game at the moment!

  • Gail K

    January 31, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    I love your positive outlook, but I also understand how frustrating it must be. I am not a patient person, either. But, we’re starting to look into adoption and so I will be following your story with much interest.

  • Megan Hughes

    February 1, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Hey Sharon, we are in our 7th month of waiting now and believe it or not we have not called our SW yet, lol we are too scared so we just avoid it. We are in the same boat with a child so hoping that we get chosen soon too as I am beginning to get impatient more for my daughter than myself, she is going to be 5 this year and cant wait any longer for her sibling! Praying your wait is almost over, its very tough…….!!!!! Do you think we should give the SW a call too….lol. I will just over analyse things thats why i dont want to…lol!

  • Nisey

    February 1, 2012 at 10:43 am

    We’re about to head down the path of waiting for no 2 – our appointment is on 23rd of Feb – hopefully by end of March we’ll be on the list and waiting.

    I’ve already started preparing J for our new arrival telling him that i can feel our baby growing in my heart – can he feel it in his heart? He couldn’t feel the baby to start with but now he tells me that he can feel our baby growing in his heart… lets hope this baby grows and finds its way to us just like Gandalf – at exactly the right time.

    In the meantime I hope that the angels will grant us serenity and peace of mind to foster patience.

  • TJ

    February 1, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    What a lovely post. Sending you big hugs as you go through the feelings and emotions and the difficult days when the waiting seems so hard.
    May your new baby find their way to you soon!

  • tzipieastwest

    February 2, 2012 at 12:00 am

    Hang on there Sharon. The waiting is long but remember, once things start rolling, it does not stop anymore …. I am not commenting much because of lack of time, but thinking about you and your family and stopping by from time to time, hoping to read that you had “the call” … S.

  • Lizette

    February 3, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Hi Sharon,
    I found your ‘Blog’ through your ‘Little Shameless Self Promotion’ 🙂 It was so sad, amazing and inspiring to read what you have had to go through. I will not miss a posting from now on!

    I am blessed with my 2 beautiful daughters (7yrs & 3 1/2yrs respectively) and every day when I read a story like yours I realise just how lucky we were to be able to conceive naturally. BUT – you and your husband are so, so lucky to have Ava be given to you by our Creator. You were meant to be her parents, and just like you say, it happened at the right time.

    I love being a mom – unfortunately I have to work (like so many of us moms) but I make every effort to enjoy every moment I am with my girls. They are my world!

    Ava is the most gorgeous little girl and really adorable. I hope and pray that her little sister or brother will share the love she receives from you very soon!

    Good Luck!

  • Julia

    February 7, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    Ah Shaz. I cannot even begin to imagine how much the waiting must suck. I do know though, that God’s timing is impeccable and perfect EVERY SINGLE TIME. Just look at how perfectly he timed Ava to come into your life.
    I will pray for you. And I will hope along with you that your wait won’t be for too long.


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