Still Sinking In…

Its been 13 months since I left my fertility journey behind me. 13 months of no fertility treatment, no monitoring of my cycles, no thoughts of pregnancy. 13 months of no aching in my heart for the child I desired for so long. All of those hopes were fulfilled the day that Ava-Grace was born.

And its odd, while I have gotten used to the idea and have settled (finally) into our new normal, it’s as if my brain or my subconscious hasn’t come to terms with the end of our infertility and the years of wondering whether our dream of having a child would be fulfilled.

I know on a conscious level that I have a child, we have a daughter but there are still times when a scene will play out in front of me and suddenly that old familiar pang or sense of longing will be there and then it will suddenly dawn on me, we are there, that scene playing it is ours to live as well.

This evening as I was standing in the kitchen making supper for Ava, it happened again. I heard the happy sounds of a little girls laughter and the sound of running. I looked out the open back door and saw a little girl, running at full tilt down the road, her long brown, curly hair flying out behind her as she squealed with laughter and her daddy chased her and the little puppy she had on a leash.

I felt the familiar squeeze around my heart and felt the sadness rise up from inside me. It took a couple of seconds for me to remind myself that scene could play out in our own family in a couple of years to come. That we do have a daughter and she will indeed run down the road one day, long, dark, curly hair flying out behind her, a puppy happily running along on a leash, as she squeals with laughter as Walter jokingly lumbers along behind her.

I wonder when my subconscious will catch up with my conscious mind? I wonder when, if ever, my subconscious mind will leave my infertility behind?

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  • Reply little29

    Hi Sharon,I can only speak for myself and I have mentioned this before but my infertility has never left me. I cant understand it or explain it or really makes sense of it but it is as it is. I have 2 beautiful children that I ended up having naturally after years of infertility treatments , my oldest just turned 5! and still I get a pang in my stomach when I hear of someone falling pregnant, friend, family member, stranger….it doesnt matter!!
    I will buy any magazine/book that even remotely mentions infertility albeit a 5 line paragraph only…..I have never let go…I am drawn to it like a magnet, If I hear of someone struggling to concieve my ears immediately prick up!! I dont know why….I guess we its a part of us – it doesnt define us but still has made a mark…..
    i mean seriously?? who still buys “your pregnancy?” yip i hear you!! I sure hope my sub conscious will leave my infertility behind!!!

    January 18, 2011 at 9:07 pm
  • Reply TJ

    Sharon, they say it takes about 18months to get through a divorce (took me a little longer) – it doesn’t mean you’ll never think about it or struggle with emotions from it ever again – but that person will mean nothing to you eventually – the experience won’t.

    I think the same with any unpleasant situation – it will take time to get through it – you’ll never forget and you may struggle with emotions from it. And because we are all different – we don’t know when, if ever it will mean nothing to us anymore.

    I believe that you have overcome a large chunk of it – and its ok to have those moments in time when you get drawn back to what was. We all do it with so many other situations in our lives!

    I just hope that you find peace in it all.

    January 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm
  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    I think that IF is more traumatic than we think!

    January 19, 2011 at 3:59 pm
  • Reply To Love Bella

    I understand completely.
    The same thoughts are in my head more often than not. I am, at times, where I didn’t ever think I would be. And I mean EVER.
    It’s not as if I am ‘holding on’ to my IF, but it’s always just there.

    January 20, 2011 at 6:48 am
  • Reply Nisey

    I think it will always be with me. Its hard to describe and I’m sure this is not a universal feeling as each of us is on a different journey.

    For me, I feel like I will always have lost out on a part of mommyhood, i.e. seeing 2 lines, morning sickness, a massive belly, a birth plan and finally giving birth. No matter how much I love Jaden I will never have those experiences.

    Jaden hasn’t filled the hole of my IF – nothing can ever do that. He is completely seperate from everything else that I went through. I can’t and don’t expect him to heal me. I don’t want him tainted in any way with the pain, anger and negative feelings that my infertility brought to me. He is his own blessing and fills a new part of me that I didn’t know existed prior to my IF.

    For me IF is the thing that happened BEFORE I became a mom and it lingers but it is in no way related to where we are now.

    I have ‘dealt’ with my IF in as best manner that I can, it will however, always be part of me. I can’t imagine the green eyed monster ever taking a back seat when I hear of other peoples pregnancies, their excitement, scans, baby showers will always leave a slight pang I am sure, and that’s ok. This is my journey. Therein lies my acceptance – I don’t expect those feelings to go away but I refuse to allow them to govern me.

    January 20, 2011 at 10:41 am
  • Reply tzipieastwest

    I am feeling quite close to what Nisey expresses.
    At this stage, and my arms are not filled yet, I have the feeling I got some closure re. my desire to be pregnant, deliver and the first moments with a/my newborn but at the same time I know the whole IF yourney and losses and failures are part of me. I am thinking how I can best integrate them in my life, how I can transform them to best shape me and my family’s future. At the same time, I know the feelings associated with the whole IF chapter will probably re-surface at some time in my life.
    Let’s say that if you once had a broken legg or arm or… even if you had a cast, that the radiology confirmed that the fracture is healed, you may still experience some pain according to sudden weather change, more strenous exercice etc.
    I guess our emotional health is not much difference ….

    January 20, 2011 at 12:15 pm
  • Reply catluvagp

    I am in the same boat, I still think like an infertile even though I have two beautiful children now my heart still yearns at times for the two that I lost. My hubby is now bringing up vasectomy a lot and I just shut him down every time, I am just not ready to close the door on our fertility yet and it’s not like I want a third child – my mind is really messed up.

    January 26, 2011 at 7:42 am
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