Its been 13 months since I left my fertility journey behind me. 13 months of no fertility treatment, no monitoring of my cycles, no thoughts of pregnancy. 13 months of no aching in my heart for the child I desired for so long. All of those hopes were fulfilled the day that Ava-Grace was born.
And its odd, while I have gotten used to the idea and have settled (finally) into our new normal, it’s as if my brain or my subconscious hasn’t come to terms with the end of our infertility and the years of wondering whether our dream of having a child would be fulfilled.
I know on a conscious level that I have a child, we have a daughter but there are still times when a scene will play out in front of me and suddenly that old familiar pang or sense of longing will be there and then it will suddenly dawn on me, we are there, that scene playing it is ours to live as well.
This evening as I was standing in the kitchen making supper for Ava, it happened again. I heard the happy sounds of a little girls laughter and the sound of running. I looked out the open back door and saw a little girl, running at full tilt down the road, her long brown, curly hair flying out behind her as she squealed with laughter and her daddy chased her and the little puppy she had on a leash.
I felt the familiar squeeze around my heart and felt the sadness rise up from inside me. It took a couple of seconds for me to remind myself that scene could play out in our own family in a couple of years to come. That we do have a daughter and she will indeed run down the road one day, long, dark, curly hair flying out behind her, a puppy happily running along on a leash, as she squeals with laughter as Walter jokingly lumbers along behind her.
I wonder when my subconscious will catch up with my conscious mind? I wonder when, if ever, my subconscious mind will leave my infertility behind?