I want to go on birth control. I’ve been thinking about it since we got the news of our 7th miscarriage and the more I’ve thought about it, the more sense it makes for me to go on birth control. One of my best friends suffered her 4th loss earlier this year and after getting through that, she too announced that she was going on birth control and at the time I thought it was a terrible idea. As I’m sure most of you will think that this is a terrible idea for me. But I guess there in lies the difference between myself and my friend and my fellow IF sisters who are still on the treatment/ttc roller coaster. While I have not given up on motherhood and am still just as determined to see my dream fulfilled, I have put behind me the notion that I will ever be pregnant again. Its not something I want for myself anymore. My focus has shifted.
Of course after more than 7 years of TTC its a very difficult notion to get my mind around and I feel that the only way to switch off the part of me that has been so focused on TTC is to go on birth control so that I can avoid those thoughts… if we did it now maybe….. maybe this month a miracle happenedd… The point is my cycles are so regular, that even if I don’t track them I KNOW when I’m ovulating and I don’t want to even be thinking about that anymore. I don’t want those thoughts in my head anymore. Last night, I cleared about my bathroom cabinet, I threw out boxes of Preseed, a BBT thermometer, Ovulation Kits, Pregnancy tests and Fertile Focus microscopes and it felt fantastic, I felt liberated, set free by these things that have held me captive for years!
And it was then that it dawned on me, I don’t want to go on the pill either, I’m going to ask my RE to write me a script (see the irony in this) for the 3 month injection. No ovulation to think about/obsess about and no periods. No monthly reminder of how my biological clock is still ticking away and that I’m missing opportunities each month. I don’t want to be hurt or insulted by my body anymore. I have weighted up the pro’s and cons of the pill versus the injection and believe the injection is the way to go for me.
Of course, I do reserve the right to change my mind at any given point before I hit the BIG 40 and consider maybe doing an IVF of a DE IVF but so what? Everything about an IVF is so manipulated anyway that I battle to see how being on the injection prior would make any bit of difference.