I’m sure you noticed, the last few weeks have been rough, really rough, they rank up there with the crappest months following my last miscarriage. So tonight, when, for the umpteenth time, W and I discussed all of this sh*t and the tears welled up again and ran down my cheeks and the anxiety balled in a knot in my stomach and I felt the panic attack almost explode out of me, when all I could think about was where I’d put the paper bag I needed to breathe into, there was one voice I could hear in my head and it just kept saying ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH.

Of course, I’m not so good with listening to that voice, my natural instinct is to want to push ahead, to keep trying, to do whatever I have to do to speed up my progress, to get to the end of this particular journey. I’ve fallen into that trap once before two years ago. After my last miscarriage, I felt the only way I could cope with my friends pregnancies and with passing my due date (5th July) without being overwhelmed by the pain and the hurt, was to do everything possible to try and get pregnant. In the space of 8 months we did 3 IVF’s and 3 IUI’s. During that time I almost destroyed W, I almost trashed my marriage and I came damn close to almost destroying myself in the process.

Tonight, in the midst of the sadness, panic and depression, I managed to listen to the voice and recognize that I stand on the presipiss of falling back into that old habit of going full steam ahead regardless of the consequences. The day after my spotting started with this failed IVF, I started temping and charting again. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to travel down that road again, I don’t want to be that person again.

So after some discussion with W, we have decided to take a time out from TTC.  We have a busy two months ahead and have decided to put all TTC plans on hold for now. This weekend my family are coming to visit, I haven’t seen my parents since December.  The following weekend I’m going to the spa with my BB buddies, the weekend after that we fly down to Cape Town for a week, the weekend after we come back we’re going away for the weekend and two weeks after that its my birthday. I’m also in the process of convincing W that the perfect birthday gift for a barren bitch like me is a “pretend” baby, my ideal pretend baby is a little Chihuahua.

So I have a busy couple of months ahead, and perhaps by the end of June I will have a better idea of how I want to progress, for now, my emotions are such a mess and my mind so busy that I can’t be still and make a decision.

Not now.