As I sit here typing on my tablet, it is 11h06 in the morning and I am broken!! I generously agreed to Walter going away on a boys fishing weekend, never imagining what torture my toddler would unleash for this momentary lapse in my reasoning!

Ava has punished me at every opportunity this morning!

Granted some of it is due to my own stupidity! Like breaking my own rule about never leaving her unsupervised with her crayons! I left her alone for less than 5 minutes while I jumped through the shower, when I returned to the lounge, she kindly pointed out to me where she had drawn on the wall with a black crayon. I tried not to freak out, after all, this was ALL my fault. Got down on my hands and knee’s with some scrubbies, Handy Andy and a cloth and started cleaning the wall. Just as I finished I hear her saying:

“Ava naughty!”

And then she proceeds to point out to me all the places that she has drawn with a black crayon! On the walls, on the glass of the doors, on the wood floors, on her toys and all over the big flat screened TV!!!!

Now I’m crawling all over the place cleaning off all the black crayon, knowing that Walter painstakingly repainted all the walls just a couple of weeks ago and he is going to have a cow when he see’s this and a heart attack if he see’s the black crayon on the TV!!!

I’m muttering away under my breath: “Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!”

And the next thing I hear madam walking around repeating exactly what I am saying!!! Can you say mommy fail????

While I’m an hour into scrubbing crayon, I hear her behind me start exclaiming:

“Oh no! ‘matoe sauce! Oh no!”

Only to discover that while I was distracted by the crayon removal exercise she has taken the raspberries I ย gave her to EAT and has smeared them into the floors!

Que floor mopping!

I have also had to redress her about 5 times because she insists on taking all her clothes off and her nappy off every time my back is turned.

I thought it would be a good idea to take her outside to play in the garden for a bit, while we were out there I filled up her plastic pools in preparation for the play date we have this afternoon. Once again, I was punished for this act, faster than I could shout NO! She’d stripped all her clothes off and nappy off, was in the pool, holding the cat in the air and ready to give him a good dunking!

In exactly 30 minutes, it will be nap time and to be sure I will be napping to. If this morning is anything to go by, I am NOT going to make it through the next day and a half!!!

I’m going to die, slowly and painfully and my death certificate will state that I died from Death by Toddler Torture!